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Changing self-doubt into self-confidence
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Mary wants to trust her husband. He's been a good provider and she has no reason to suspect that he's been unfaithful or would do anything harmful to her emotionally, financially or otherwise except…he's coming home later than he ever did in the past with some dubious excuses. He's not been putting his whole paycheck into their joint account as before. He's not been giving her the attention he did previously. He gives her plausible excuses for his behavior but they seem different from in the past – the excuses are vague such as ``well, it makes sense not to keep all that money in our checking account".
His answers to her puzzled queries raise many questions in Mary's mind: ``Does he have our best interest at heart? Is he not telling me because it's financially complicated? Is he siphoning off funds to spend on drinking? On drugs? On gambling? On a lover? Is he planning a divorce? Is he hiding some other serious problem?" He tells her more and more that he needs some form of relaxation; he needs to play tennis or go sailing or go to the football games with his buddies. She is excluded since this is his ``unwind time with the boys".
Here's the problem. Mary is living with chronic doubt and anxiety. He tells her he was at work late. Then she hears that a friend saw his car at a local restaurant. He explains that away. Every time she finds a discrepancy between his words and his actions, or she hears contradictory statements from him, her anxiety escalates. What if he has a lover? Or what if he's a closet drinker? What if he's a gambler? What if (fill in the blank)? Those what-ifs leave her with a chronic sense that her world is messy.
The upshot? Mary begins doubting herself. Maybe he is fine and her questions are unreasonable. Maybe she is driving him away. Maybe, in some way that she doesn't understand, she did something wrong. Maybe she's too sensitive or too suspicious. She hates living with this anxiety and self-doubt. She doesn't know how to answer these questions. She tells herself ``Don't think about it - it only stresses me out. I can't deal with this." Mary tries to bury her doubts; she soon finds herself suffering from depression. Why?
What can you do when you doubt the sincerity of anyone who matter's to you, for example, the honesty of your partner, the genuineness of a friend, the integrity of your boss or of a co-worker, the sincerity of your child or relatives?
When people such as Mary have real evidence to raise questions in their minds about another person's character, too often, instead of pursuing those questions until they get clear answers, they start doubting their own judgment ``Maybe I am too suspicious. Maybe I am too sensitive." Why does this happen?
Mary starts by doubting her partner. She asks him questions. He gives her vague answers and he shifts the focus to her. He accuses her of being ridiculous and paranoid; he reminds her of times she thought she was right in her judgment but she was wrong. So far this is not a problem if Mary can retain her own independent judgment. Suppose she thinks ``Yes, I've been wrong in the past – but there are also times when I've been right. I still deserve to have my own questions answered. These are not questions I manufactured without a shred of evidence; these are questions arising from his contradictions. (He's at work – but his car is at a restaurant; money is disappearing without a good explanation; he is playing tennis more often than in the past; he excludes me more and more with no good reason.)"
Unfortunately Mary shifts her focus to herself. ``Maybe I'm too sensitive. I read into everything. I make a mountain out of a molehill. What if he's innocent and I'm driving him away with my questions?" When Mary shifts her focus to self-doubt, rather than to fact-finding, one typical effect is that she emotionally gives up. She feels trapped – she still has her doubts about her husband but she has abandoned her means of resolving them – her thinking mind. The upshot: an ever-growing sense of helplessness, anxiety and depression.
Now for some help for Mary: she needs a means to judge whether her own suspicions are reasonable. If they are, if she has some evidence to suspect her husband, then she needs to pursue this evidence responsibly and tenaciously. She has a right to know the character of the man she is married to – her wellbeing and happiness depend on this.
Here are some tips for dealing with a situation in which you are doubting someone close to you (e.g., your partner, your child, your friend):
1. Make sure your suspicious are valid: i.e., that you have some evidence that makes you doubt the other person's character.
2. Think of reasonable alternative explanations that might explain his discrepancies in a positive manner (e.g., maybe he has been secretive because he's planning a surprise party for you). This does not mean that you know this to be true. At this stage of your suspicions you are drawing a mental range. At one end of the range, he or she is deceitful and dishonest -- someone you need to write off. At the other end of the range, he or she is a decent person who is planning a surprise for you or has understandable and rational explanations for the discrepancies. You are trying to identify where this person falls along this range.
3. Don't accept vague answers to your questions. Rephrase and repeat each question until you get answers that make sense, until you gain clarity. Fine-tune your questions to the specific concerns you have. Don't apologize for asking questions (e.g., ``I was just wondering…" ``I don't mean to be nosy but..."). Be confident (``I am disturbed by...").
4. Don't let the other person shift your focus to self-doubt. When people try to get away with something, they become masters at shifting the focus away from themselves and focusing it on the questioner's vulnerabilities. They often try to induce self-doubt and unearned guilt in their victims. (Many politicians are experts at this.) Don't fall into this trap. If you doubt your own mind it will mentally paralyze you. If you believe the motor in your car is not working, you will give up trying to use it. If you think your own motor, your mind, is broken, you may also give up. The result? Depression.
5. Be aware that if the other person is guilty of doing something underhanded, then he or she has methods to cover this up. What methods? Such people minimize or deny their own behavior. They may try to case you out. They figure out what you want to hear and tell you just that, to throw you off the trail of their deceit. Be one step ahead of them by knowing their typical methods.
6. Ask yourself how you would answer someone asking you the same question if he found discrepancies in your words or actions and you were innocent. What tone would you use? How would you clarify any misunderstandings? Then compare this to his behavior. Is he behaving as you would behave if you were innocent? Or is he behaving as a deceitful, crafty person would behave?
7. Don't be afraid of mental effort. The feeling of self-confidence, ``I have a right to make sense of my world," and the willingness to clearly think things through, earns you a sense of inner confidence and gives you a means to deal with others – it's the best help for anxiety and depression.
When you have doubts about another person's character, you want to hold your own head up high and respect your own mind. Instead of passively drowning in ``what-ifs" with no clear answers, you become a fact-finder par excellence. You know you have a right to the truth and you have a right to pursue contradictions in another person's words or behavior until you can make sense of them. If you have this mindset, you will be much less vulnerable to anxiety and self-doubt. You will know that you have a right to make sense of your world, to pursue the truth and to act accordingly. Then, even if you find out bad news, that the person you care for (a husband, a child, a friend, a boss) has been deceitful, has drug or alcohol problems, is gambling, etc., you can manage this truth so much better – because you will judge him rather than damn yourself. You will not be swallowed up by self-doubts.
If Mary followed these tips, she might say to herself ``I was a mess before. I sensed something was wrong but I didn't have solid evidence – so I doubted myself and I remained passive. I was anxious and depressed. When I realized that I have a right to know, to have my questions answered, that I don't have to passively live with my doubts, I felt much stronger, much better. My mind could relax even as it went on a hunt for answers. I no longer doubted myself. My anxiety lifted. I didn't have to remain in the dark. I was in full gear. When I found out that my husband was a closet drinker and that he was having multiple affairs, I didn't swim in self-doubts. I didn't waste my energy thinking `Maybe it's me. Maybe I was driving him away with my questions. Maybe I was too sensitive or imagining things.' Instead I thought – `He is wrong! I don't deserve to be treated like this. I deserve respect.' ``
When you have doubts about someone, become a detective and pursue your clues. In doing this, you win the major battle – you are respecting yourself, your own mind, and you are working to protect your happiness.
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Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder
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(A question from a listener:)
I run a children's theater group. One day, four sets of parents advised me that their kids had ADHD (Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder). I noticed that some of these ``wild kids" were able to stay in control when they wanted to. I sat the children down and asked them what would be acceptable behavior for rehearsals. The children came up with the following:
1) They need to show up for every rehearsal…….on time.
2) There is to be no disruptive behavior during the rehearsal.
3) The focus is on working together, not trying to undermine one another.
I wrote these points down in a contract. Each child's signature on the contract meant that he or she understood and would adhere to the rules. Three violations of the contract and they were out of the play. If they kept the conditions of the contract, they were welcome to stay. If they chose not to keep to these rules, they would have chosen not to stay. They opted to sign the contract and I have had no problems with these ADHD kids! Is there anything to ADHD?
Answer: Come back with me to my son's birthday party. He was about 7 years old. He invited several buddies to sleep over. All would have gone smoothly, except for Joey. Joey could not sit still for one minute. He saw a couch and full speed ahead, dashed towards the cushions and somehow landed on the backside of the couch – multiple times. He raced around rooms touching whatever he pleased at lightening speed. While my son's focus was on his party, my focus was on Joey. He was fidgety, he was excessively noisy; he looked as though he were driven by a jet engine. He would interrupt me. I tried the time out technique; it served only as a temporary commercial break from his high-speed activity. I pitied his mom. But that night, I pitied me! His mother came over the next morning (after my husband and I had a frantic night monitoring Joey) and said, ``I hope he wasn't much trouble. I forgot to give him his Ritalin. I didn't want to drive back." I was ready to lambaste her! How dare she know how disruptive he is and not bring his medicine back. After this experience and after experience with young children in therapy, I think there is some merit to the ADHD diagnosis.
ADHD has gone through several name changes including ``minimal brain dysfunction" and ``hyperkinetic reaction of childhood". The current name, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, denotes a developmental disorder with several of the following symptoms for at least 6 months in a manner that is developmentally inconsistent and maladaptive:
Inattention symptoms:
- fails to attend to details
- has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
- doesn't listen when spoken to
- has difficulty organizing activities
- has difficulty following instructions (e.g., chores, homework)
- is easily distracted
- is often forgetful
Hyperactivity – Impulsivity symptoms:
- fidgets, squirms, leaves seat in classroom when expected to sit still
- restlessly runs about or climbs excessively
- has difficulty engaging in quiet play
- acts as if driven by a motor
- talks excessively
- blurts out answers before questions have been completed
- has difficulty awaiting his turn
- interrupts or intrudes on others
(Source: DSM-IVTM)
One doctor commented that some of these symptoms describe Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. So is there any merit to this diagnosis? Here is the problem. One cause of such behavior may be biological. ``My sister is impulsive and uncontrollable…she never listens. Ritalin is a lifesaver. She's wonderful company when she's medicated. Her uncontrollable behavior does not seem intentional. It seems like a biological mishap."
Another cause of such behavior may be psychological. I worked with many seriously abused and traumatized children. I observed that several of the most ``ADHD" looking children had major sexual abuse or traumatic experiences in their backgrounds. Such children would ricochet off my office walls. Over time, as they disclosed the abuse, their behavior became less impulsive and less agitated; their ability to focus improved. Someone had heard them; someone had understood them and would help them. They no longer had to silently struggle with the abuse. Why did such children have difficulty focusing in school? When asked, many said that they were so worried about going home at night that they would spend their time at school thinking up ways to avoid the anticipated physical or sexual abuse. Most of their mental focus was siphoned off to survival tactics rather than to the less important material, math or spelling.
Another cause of ADHD behavior may relate to less life-threatening family issues. Sometimes children are trying to cope with their parents' marital tension, or their father's drinking, or their mother's rageful reactions, or their parent's pushy behavior. Children may be rebelling against their parents' irrational, controlling or neglectful style. Their level of restlessness and hyperactivity may be the way they express their anxiety and frustration with family problems. It may be a cry for help. Their parents may be unwilling to face the family problems openly. They might resort to scapegoating a child. For example, when there is hidden marital conflict and one child speaks out bluntly, naming the issue, the parents might label such a child as ``the problem". Since the parents refuse to face their own conflict, they prefer to blame a child for family troubles. They have a vested interest in giving the child a label (such as ADHD) to whitewash themselves and to shift the blame to the ``problem child".
I have had parents bring a child into therapy and tell me ``He (or she) is the problem in the family. If only he would obey us and never question us, we would have a lovely family. But he never obeys. We punish him firmly too. He is the whole problem in our family. Get him to listen and obey us. That's all I want."
What's your gut reaction to such a parent? It makes me feel as though they are hiring me to teach their son or daughter boot-camp etiquette. My gut reaction is that I want to learn a lot more about the family. I encourage family therapy and I try to give the parents better parenting skills.
Another cause for ADHD type behavior may be boredom. If you force a child to spend day after day in a classroom with a dull, boring teacher, he may be ``driven to distraction". I recall sitting with my husband and a physician at a lecture that was approximately 75 minutes long. The lecture was the most painfully boring lecture I have ever attended. I was trapped. We sat front row center so there was no escape. I felt very fidgety and anxious. When we were finally released from the prison of excruciating boredom, all three of us went outdoors and had the same reaction – we were jumping up and down, giddy, hysterically laughing and looking rather revved up. ADHD behavior? To onlookers it could certainly look that way. Imagine being a bright, ambitious and energetic student and having to sit day in and day out for a full year with a boring teacher. If you suspect your child is ADHD, unobtrusively find out what his days at school are like. Volunteer at the school for an event, or for a class field trip. Listen to what your child's friends or their parents say about the teacher.
How can you tell whether your son's or daughter's problem is biological or psychological or some combo of the two? The answer given most frequently is ``we don't know". We know that the mind can affect the body (e.g., we can consciously decide to relax). We know that the body can affect the mind (e.g., my mental clarity is dimmed when I have the flu). We don't even know whether ADHD is a single condition, a broad range of problems or a misdiagnosis of a bright, spirited, energetic kid; it's an ill-defined diagnosis.
So with the ADHD diagnosis, buyer beware! If you have a child who has been labeled ADHD, run through some checkpoints:
1. Is your child disruptive in all situations or only in a specific situation (home, school)?
2. Is your child disruptive with all people or only with particular individuals?
3. Are there marital or other family issues that could be causing distress in your child?
4. Does your child have the capacity to focus well in some activities (e.g., video games, softball) but not in others (e.g., school)? If so, what might account for this difference?
5. Is your child's schoolwork motivating, challenging, creative and bringing out the best in him?
6. Do you have the sense that your child's behavior is not a ``cry for help" for wider family problems but truly beyond your child's control? If so, medication may be the best cure. Structured interventions to help your child focus and attend better may be in order. One book that offers some advice to teachers is Attention without Tension by Edna Copeland and Valerie Love.
You may be lucky and discover that your child doesn't have ADHD. He just needs a more stimulating teacher. Or you may realize that it's to your benefit and to the whole family's benefit to address other pressing but previously ignored areas of family dysfunction. It's very anxiety-provoking for a child to hold in family secrets. If you know this to be the case, do yourself a favor and get the whole family in to see a good family therapist. In any case, beware of the recent trend to give the ADHD diagnosis too freely.
Many parents lapse into focusing on the functional aspects of childrearing (e.g., clean clothes, clean room, meals). My mom was terrific. She was a fabulous listener. I would tell her all about my day and she was my friend, not my critical judge. To become a close friend with your child is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What are his strengths? Let him know that you notice them. Enjoy special time with your child. Ask him to tell you about school. What does your child enjoy at school? What does he dislike? Are there any problems – with kids? With teachers? What feels fair? What feels unfair? What suggestions does he have to improve things? What does your child enjoy at home? What works well? What feels unfair? What would he suggest to solve the problem?
This is the method that the questioner used with her four ADHD theater students. These students identified rules of conduct that would be reasonably expected of them as a basis for participation in the play. They voluntarily agreed to adhere to these conditions, and they succeeded. The questioner had a wonderful directing experience in what might have otherwise been a disaster.
And remember to always medicate your ADHD kids before dropping them off at a pajama sleepover birthday party.
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Inoculating yourself against sarcasm
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Sharon, age 16, comes home from a date at 2 a.m. She and her mother agreed that she would be in at 11 p.m. Her mother is outraged: ``I worried about you! Why didn't you call? You didn't even answer your cell phone. I was about to call the police." Sharon shoots her mother a sarcastic look and retorts: ``Mom, you worry your little head too much. What do you think I was doing – drinking, snorting cocaine and having unprotected sex? Get some sleep mom. You get yourself all worked up over nothing." Mom is tired and angry. She wonders if she is unreasonable with Sharon. After all, Sharon's sarcastic way of naming mom's worse fears implies that Sharon would never do such things.
But Sharon's sarcastic comments are highly purposeful. She is well aware of why she didn't call her mother. She had been drinking, snorting cocaine and having unprotected sex. So what does her use of sarcasm accomplish? It throws mom off the track. It induces a self-doubt in mom (e.g., maybe she's too hard on her daughter; maybe her daughter is making healthy choices). Sharon uses sarcasm as a distracter to keep her mother off-guard and doubting herself.
Do you use sarcasm? Does someone use it with you? From your earliest childhood memories to your current day adult experiences you've probably had many encounters with sarcasm…and you may have dished out your fair share of it over the years. None of us like being on the receiving end of it. And why would we? The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines sarcasm as ``a bitter or wounding remark", ``a taunt". It is derived from the Greek language, originally meaning tearing the flesh, gnashing the teeth or speaking bitterly. Some of us handle it better than others. What are some reasons for using sarcasm? What can you do to protect yourself when you are the target of sarcasm? Let's take a closer look at sarcasm using the following conversation between a husband and a wife. As you read this, pretend you're the wife:
W: ``Honey, I'd love to go back to school."
H (with sarcasm): ``Should I buy you a backpack and some colored crayons." (His sarcasm is saying, ``I'm choosing not to take you seriously. I hope you'll drop this subject".)
W: ``No I mean it…. I'm bored. I want a career."
H (with sarcasm): ``Good! Because then we'll be able to pay for your phone calls to your mother." (He attempts to distract her by indirectly expressing his anger towards her frequent phone calls to her mother. He is attempting to shut her up by making her feel guilty.)
W: ``You're not listening to me…I want a degree in business. I saw a program that interests me."
H: ``You! In the business world? Don't make me laugh!" (He attacks her as a person incapable of entering the business world. Notice he doesn't give any reasons – just a hit and run attack.)
W: ``Will you listen to me? I want your permission to take two courses this fall. I'd enroll as a part-time student."
H: ``Should I write a permission slip to the principal?" (He resorts to his first tactic, imaging her going back to school at the grade school level. He is using sarcasm to demean her while seeming to be a jovial jokester.)
W: ``Oh…you make me so angry! You never listen! I hate you!"
H: ``Boy, you never did have a sense of humor did you. Can't you take a joke!" (He tries to make her feel as though her outrage is proof that he's the funny guy and she's an out-of-control, stuffy woman.)
From the wife's point of view, what is happening? She has made an important decision. She is no longer willing to live with her boredom and she wants a focused challenging purpose. This is a major life decision. She wants her husband to listen attentively and supportively. She does not find his joking funny -- she finds it maddening. Yet if she tells herself, ``Maybe I`m too serious. Maybe he is just a light-hearted funny guy" then his sarcasm will have been effective. If she doesn't see the situation clearly and understand how sarcasm works, his sarcasm may cause her to doubt herself on multiple levels:
``Maybe he's the lighthearted jokester and I'm the serious one."
``Maybe it's foolish to consider going back to school - after all, that's what young kids do."
``Maybe I'm not cut out for business."
``Maybe I spend too much money on phone bills."
``Maybe I'm too close to my mother."
`Maybe I'm a mean wife, after all, I told him I `hated' him."
Notice what he accomplishes by his sarcasm. Unless she clearly identifies his methods and has the certainty that he is wrong, she will fall into the sarcasm trap. On one hand, she is furious with him for not taking her seriously. On the other hand, she feels guilty for having told him she ``hated" him when he was ``only joking". What's the typical upshot? She will toss up her hands and end up doubting herself. Maybe he's just a good guy and she just doesn't like his humor.
It's her self-doubt, her uncertainty about who is right and who is wrong in this situation, which has the power to undercut her. If she doesn't understand how sarcasm works, or how to handle it, what will be the likely outcome for her of his sarcastic behavior? She may back off from her attempt to have an enjoyable interesting life. She may think: ``Who am I to try to change the status quo at home. I give up. What's the use…it'll cause too much trouble if I try to go back to school. He'll give me a hard time day in and day out. I can't stand his teasing. I might as well just stay put. I'm bored. He doesn't care. I feel so dependent on him…and so furious with him. There must be something wrong with me."
What's the likelihood that they will have a romantic evening after their conversation? Zero. My guess is that this is a long established pattern and that secretly, she hates him. He certainly doesn't value her happiness.
Let's look at this situation from the husband's vantage point. What does he ``gain" by his sarcasm? His wife wants to become ambitious. He knows she's bored. He's bored with his life too but unmotivated to change. So why would her going back to school bother him? Perhaps he`s afraid that if she discovers a world outside of his domain he will have less control over her, she may become less available or she may have more ambition than he does and become more successful. It's important to him that she doesn't make waves in his life. But then why doesn't he tell her his concerns openly? Why does he resort to sarcasm? Imagine that he told her the following: ``Honey, I'm worried that I may have less control over you if you discover any outside interests. You may discover that you are more competent than I have led you to believe. You may realize that we are not compatible, that you are more ambitious than I am. I will feel pressure to re-examine my life and I don't want to have to do that. I don't want you to rock the boat. I can't say that I love the ``boat" that we're both in …but at least it's a familiar boat."
Were he to speak directly and not hide behind the intimidating sarcasm, he would be admitting to:
- his own fear of ambition
- his desire to throttle his wife's choice for achieving happiness
- his desire to control her
- his envy - he doesn't want her to succeed more than he has
- his passive attitude toward his own life rather than wanting an exciting life.
Who has the courage to admit that openly? Most people won't even admit that to themselves. Instead he shoots sarcastic barbs at her, which give him the illusion that he's a good guy who simply teases his wife. He tells himself that she's obviously too sensitive, that she comes up with foolish ideas and that he knows what's right for both of them.
Sarcasm allows him to keep the veneer of a good self-image while throttling his wife and evading his own bad character traits, his self-betrayals (e.g., his willingness to control others, his lack of ambition, his passivity, his envy). Sarcasm is used effectively here to avoid self-knowledge and to control anyone who threatens to expose that negative self-knowledge. How might she deal with his sarcasm?
When someone is sarcastic:
1. Address the sarcasm openly: ``Every time I bring up going back to school, you make fun of me. Help me understand why you do this?"
2. State your concern: ``I'm concerned that your sarcasm is putting a big wedge between us."
3. Show him a contrast. Demonstrate how you would like him to respond: ``I would like it if you said to me `Honey, I know that this is a big step for you and I can see you're enthused. Tell me more about your plan…' "
4. Encourage him to vent anger openly, not indirectly: ``Honey, if you're upset about my calls to my mother, let's talk about that openly. What bothers you most about them?"
5. Let him know what you feel when he's sarcastic and how it revises how you feel about him, i.e., the cost to him of his sarcasm: ``I feel put down when I hear your sarcasm. I feel frustrated and furious with you."
6. Let him know how you plan to respond to him in the future: ``When I hear your sarcasm in the future, I'll let you know that I'm uncomfortable with it and hopefully we can talk about your real concerns."
If you find these methods don't get through to him, it may be that there is no getting through to him. You might try couples therapy. If he is unwilling to talk, the alternative is not to give up your goals, but to give him up and pursue your goals. Don't let sarcasm intimidate you out of having a wonderful life.
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