The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com maybe somebody is doing too much for you in your life. You know, we all talk about being neglected, and it's very sad to have parents who don't care for you, brush you aside. They're indifferent to you. They lead their own lives, or a husband or a wife who does the same thing. But what about the parent or the husband and wife who does too much for you, and you feel indebted to them and you feel chronically guilty.

You want to make your own lunch. You want to figure out your own homework. If you're a kid, you want to be able to decide how the house is arranged, and this other person in your life is doing too much for you, and you feel in debt to them. You feel like you're supposed to feel gratitude towards them, but more and more, you're beginning to feel hatred towards them and shame about yourself. That is not a good pattern to get into. That is a killer pattern, a psychological killer.

So sometimes people do kill with kindness, and you need to be able to detect that pattern and not let yourself fall prey or victim to that. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here's a question I got from Joe. We've all been with people?I can remember in my dating years being with people who were too affectionate for us. You know, you go on a date and the guy or the gal is slobbering all over you and you're not ready, or not affectionate enough; they just feel distant, icy, cold, and you can't melt that ice and you don't know what to do. Joe's struggling with his fiancée, and see what your take is on this.

Dear Dr. Kenner, my name is Joe. I'm an affectionate person. I like to hug, kiss, cuddle, and any other activity that involves my fiancée, Marge. I enjoy being physically close. Marge, on the other hand, is a distant person. She likes her space. She rarely initiates affection and does not want that type of contact initiated by me unless she is in the right mood, which, of course, I respect, but I can never tell when she desires it. This is causing a lot of tension. How can we both get what we need to be happy without me feeling neglected and her feeling smothered? Thank you so much, Joe.

Joe, that is a common, common problem. And my guess, if the visuals I got initially with just that?now, you come home from work and you want to give her a hug and go out in the backyard and maybe mow the lawn or do some paperwork, or you want to just give her a kiss, or you're sitting watching a movie and you want to cuddle?that was my initial view of what you were asking me. You know, she just doesn't like any physical contact, and that raises some red flags.

So like, what was her past? What was her family like? Were they cold and distant? Did she never get that affection, and this is odd to her, and is that what's going on? Or did she suffer from some trauma, some abuse, and you know, giving her a cuddle, coming up from behind her and just hugging her, cuddling her around her ribs, makes her feel?remember?the trauma. Is that what's going on?

And then I thought, as you went on, it seems like you're talking about sex. Seems like you're talking about intimacy, because you're saying you don't know when she's in the mood. When is she in the right mood? So that is a very common problem.

Let me describe what may be the pattern, but it's a very typical pattern: your invitations for intimacy?and typically this is true of guys?maybe?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband's life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

?is that your invitations for intimacy?and typically this is true of guys?may be too fast for her, not the right type of invitation, not the type she wants. It may be at a time that she's not interested in intimacy. It may make her feel enormously guilty??I'm not satisfying him??and so she may say she needs her space, this isn't a good time.

But then if she starts to develop a pattern of feeling guilty that ?I can't please him, and I should do this to please him, but I don't feel it right now,? then she's making a common, and I want to say tragic, mistake. Because the woman should be able to keep that sense of intimacy alive for herself, not to dutifully please the guy. If she dutifully tries to please the guy, she will begin to hate sex, and that's not healthy for either of you.

So here are a couple of questions. Do you know what turns her on? Does she know what turns her on? Would you guys be willing to have a conversation about that? Would she be willing to tell you what's a turn-off? Would you be able to address this topic lovingly, without any demand for sex? If you're in a place where you can't have sex, that would be a good place to do it.

What it sounds like is set up is called a distancer-pursuer relationship, where the more you pursue her, the more she distances you, and then you pursue her even more because you don't want to feel rejected.

So listen, you can read The Sex-Starved Marriage. That may help you. That's at my website, DrKenner.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal-setting.

Another emotion that is important to understand and to detect both in yourself and any potential romantic partner is envy. Envy involves resentment of and/or the desire for objects or qualities possessed by another. Jealousy is similar in meaning. In the best sense of these terms, they refer simply to wishing that one had what another has. In the worst sense, they refer to wanting the destruction of another person's values, including virtues of character?virtues and values which one lacks. ?If I can't have X, then nobody should have it.?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.