The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Facing the truth about falling out of love can be heartbreaking. In this episode, we explore how to approach a difficult conversation about divorce with honesty, compassion, and emotional maturity ? and how to navigate the fear, guilt, and sadness that often come with it.

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com. Here is a question I received on a very different topic from Amy, who also wants to know how to speak up, but it's a bit different.

Hi, Dr Kenner, my husband and I have been married for 10 years and have two beautiful daughters. The problem is, I am no longer in love with him, and don't know how to tell him. Please help, Amy.

Amy, if you've been married for 10 years and you're no longer in love with him, either you've been able to camouflage very well and fake a love that you don't feel, which has done no good for either of you, or he already knows it. Maybe you haven't said it in words, but he's felt the distance just as you felt the distance. You may no longer hold hands, you may no longer look lovingly in each other's eyes. You may no longer make those phone calls to one another that you did when you were dating, or think of each other and have each other in your mind, each in one another's mind, and bring home that special gift. It might be a small gift. It might be a pizza that the other person likes, or maybe some flowers or something that shows one another that you value one another. It may be the case that he already knows.

So the question for you is, what you're asking me is, how do I manage this? How do I let this man know that I no longer love him?

So number one, he may already know. Number two, what happened that changed it? Did you love him recently, and then that changed? It isn't that you grew out of love over time. Is there someone else in your life? That's immediately what came to my mind. Is there someone at work or someone you met, someone who's just made you feel feelings that you haven't felt in a long while, and you just long for that with this other person, and don't think you can get it back with your husband, and why bother trying since you're failing it with another person? You need to know your own reasons as to why you're leaving a relationship.

Couples do tend to grow apart. The sameness can be dull over time. We take one another for granted, and one of the skills that you want in a good romantic relationship is how to keep it thriving over time. How to keep it flourishing over time.

Know that since you have two daughters, there are consequences to your actions, and it will affect the daughters if you split up. I would recommend getting the book Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce, so you can get a firsthand glimpse of children's drawings, what they go through if their parents do not manage a divorce. Well, even if parents do manage a divorce, it's never an easy transition for kids. So one of the consequences of telling him that you're no longer in love with him is that obviously you'd be moving towards divorce, or you could go to counseling. Can you get the love back? If there's someone else in your life, it would be hard to get that love back. How do you tell him?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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How do you tell him? You could just sit down someday, privately, away from the kids, away from work, not before he has a big business meeting or something, and just sit down with him and just say, "It feels like we've grown apart. I don't know if you felt it too. I've been thinking, how can we connect again? And I don't see a possibility." If that's the case, if there's someone else in my life that I'm interested in, you can tell him. If there's someone else, he will find out anyway. Will he get very upset? Of course he will, but that's part of the consequence of leaving him.

You can let him know what you love about him. You know, these are the things that I've always admired in you. We have grown apart. I don't feel like we've been paying enough attention, and I don't feel we're close anymore. Keep open the possibility that maybe you can both go to couples counseling to try to mend the relationship. If you feel like it's beyond that, don't fake going to couples counseling. You can go to divorce counseling, meaning the same therapist can help both of you manage divorce better if he's open to that.

So Amy, I wish you the best with this. It's possible to fall out of love with a person, but it's also possible to not tend to a marriage, both of you, to keep it thriving. And then temptations are everywhere.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner. Anything that you would ask a counselor or a therapist or wish you could ask one, sometimes it's very difficult to talk with your own best friends or family members, because even though you say to them, "Listen, I've got to confide in somebody, but please don't tell anyone else," they're not trained necessarily not to tell other people. Psychologists and counselors should be trained not to tell other people. That's a psychological skill, a commitment to yourself that you keep information very private. And many times, they themselves have heard this juicy story and they want to pass it along, and you find out that your mother betrayed you. She told your very private information to an aunt, or your best friend told it to another best friend. And of course, it goes through the grapevine, and the story may change over time, and you just feel violated. But when you go to therapy, one of the gifts of therapy, if you use it properly and if you have a good therapist, is that you're able to basically talk uncensored, hear your own thinking, change your own thinking, see your own thoughts from different aspects, and learn new skills. Learn new skills.

For more Dr Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke. If you are rejected by a partner you like, you can ask for honest feedback. Use your own judgment in evaluating the feedback. For example, if your ex-partner attacks a good quality, such as telling you that you are too intelligent, then you know what to do: find a more intelligent partner. Anyone who is too insecure to appreciate your mind is not for you.

In contrast, if your ex-partner makes a valid criticism and points out that you are dishonest, unhealthily overweight, domineering, narcissistic, drink too much, or some other legitimate complaint, then acknowledge to yourself that you are less lovable than you could be and take steps to correct such problems.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.