The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

A raw and honest conversation about the painful roots of jealousy in relationships. This episode explores why feelings of insecurity, anger, and control can take over ? and how to rebuild trust, self-worth, and emotional balance in marriage.



Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Omar, you're dealing with anger. Omar, yeah, yeah, you're dealing with anger issues. This is Dr. Kenner, yeah. Tell me what's going on.

I basically just get really angry and I cannot control my anger. I mean, I throw stuff around and I turn into a really mean person.

Okay, and how old are you?

I'm 35.

Okay, so this has been around?I'm assuming this isn?t a problem that recently developed, but this is dear and true to your heart. It?s been following you around or shadowing you for your whole life, or am I wrong on that?

No, it really started for the last year.

Oh, so you were okay before then? You could manage difficulties better? What happened last year? You didn?t get bent out of shape?

I didn?t get?I became really possessive and really jealous and very angry for like, for nothing. I just get really angry.

Okay, so we?re talking about a relationship. Is this?and this is not the first time?you? are you married?

Yes, I am.

You?re married. And the woman we?re talking about that you?re feeling possessive of, is that your wife? Or is that someone else?

Yes, my wife.

That's your wife. And you've been married for about how many years? Just ballpark.

13 years.

13 years. Oh, you know how many?I don?t know how many married years I?ve been married. So tell me, what is your?You know yourself best, and instead of stomping around, one of the things you don?t want to tell yourself is, ?I cannot control it,? because what does your mind hear when you say you can?t control it?

That I basically just even giving up and getting angry for nothing.

Yes, you give up. It?s like throwing your arms up in the air?what?s the use, why bother? So instead of saying, ?I can?t control this,? you can tell yourself?you can just ask a very gentle question: ?What would help me control this?? And of course, your phone call to me is a wonderful step that you?re taking.

So tell me just in a nutshell: what happened that you became? what happened a year ago that made you go from not feeling jealous to feeling jealous? Something happened.

Something happened. I like discover a little lies, like little lies, and I think that that?s how everything started.

Okay. When you say little lies, were they lies?give me an example of one that bothered you the most.

She would tell me, ?Okay, I'm over here,? and then later on I found out that she wasn't there.

Okay. So where was she? Was she at a bar? Was she carousing with a friend, a male friend?

With a friend. With friends, yeah, with friends.

So she was lying to you. She?s concealing this, right? And that didn?t just happen once. Why do you think she?d be lying? What would?you know her. I don?t know her at all. So what do you?why do you think she would be lying?

I think she?s covering up for something.

Okay, so you felt like she?s doing something really?

She shouldn?t be doing.

Such as? What? What crossed your mind?

Basically with another guy.

Okay. So you?re thinking not that she?s doing drugs, but you?re thinking that she?s having an affair or a relationship, or at least a flirtation, right? And do you have?what is your strongest evidence that your wife of 13 years is doing something with someone else?

Well, there?s basically no evidence. There?s just little lies that I find out. And I just hate when people lie to me. I just get really angry.

Yeah. But did she lie to you for the first 10 years of your marriage?

No, not necessarily. Yeah.

So what?did you ever have an affair at all?

(Omar)

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it?s good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Did you ever have an affair at all, Omar?

If I did, yeah.

Did you ever have one?

I did, but she doesn?t know.

Okay. Okay, so here's?let me tell you what?s crossing my mind now, Omar. If you cheated on her, then?you? if my husband cheated on me, or if I cheated on my husband?let's put the burden on me here?I might think, Oh my God, if I could do this to him, maybe he could do this to me. Because you?ve had to hide your affair, correct? You?ve had to hide it from her. Was it just one affair you had, or more than one?

Just one. Just one.

Is it still going on?

No.

And she never found out about it, right?

No.

So do you feel guilty at all about it, or you feel it?s okay?

Okay, that guilt comes out haunting you, not in a?not in a? go ahead.

Go ahead, Omar.

Oh no, I do feel guilty about it.

And do you think she suspects it at all?

She felt probably?yes, probably did.

Do you think that she would feel happy about that? Or do you think she would feel kind of brushed aside and what?

Not happy at all. She would be not happy.

Do you think she might want to get you back?

I think so.

Okay. So it sounds like?have you ever been to counseling before?

No, I haven?t.

Would you consider that at all?

Yeah.

Okay, because instead of carrying this and trying to figure out how to deal with anger, it?s deeper than just a surface anger. It?s that you?ve betrayed her and you don?t know where to go with it. And now you?re watching: Is she betraying me? What does she know? What doesn?t she know?

And if you're wanting to work on the relationship and see if there?s a chance of repairing it, number one, I would go to my website, and there is a book called After the Affair on my website. And my website is DrKenner.com. I would get that book, and you could privately read that to see where you want to go with the affair, because it talks about mending relationships.

And then the second is your anger toward her. Both of you need to be able to open up. So you could go to individual therapy, and there may be couples therapy. So I would recommend that. There?s also another book on my website?Dr. Weisinger?s Anger Workout book?that would give you some tips for the anger too, like putting yourself on pause, seeing what?s legitimate and what?s not. So thank you so much for your call, Omar.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke:

It's unlikely that even an ideal romantic partner will be what you want in every detail. So to be happy, ask the question: What?s essential in a romantic partner for me to be happy? Well, you can start by eliminating certain potential candidates. Newspaper love columns are filled with letters beginning, ?My partner is a wonderful person?except for one thing.? Almost inevitably, this one thing turns out to be something very important, such as drug abuse, infidelity, making parents more important than the partner, neglect, being a cheapskate, being a control freak, or psychological or physical abuse. Any type of abuse is most certainly a deal-breaker. Any serious, uncorrected flaw will almost inevitably undermine other qualities that are good.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.