The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Here is a woman who is tired of being attracted to men who drink. In this episode of Romantic Choices, we explore why unhealthy attraction patterns form, how alcohol and relationships mix, and practical steps to break free from toxic cycles. Learn how to stop falling for drinkers, set healthy boundaries, and start choosing love that supports your well-being.



Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Erica, you're having difficulty with, is it your daughter?

No.

Oh, okay, relationships. Okay. And I was asking, when you grow up in an alcoholic home? Yes, and your father is an alcoholic, and you grow up and you have relationships with men, and they all seem to have a similar personality as your father.

Yeah, and I have just stopped dating because I want to attract healthy men, but I don't know how.

Okay, so you need to do some detective work for yourself, don't you? If I kept attracting the wrong men, which is very, very common, many times we are so familiar with what we grew up with that even though we've vowed to ourselves, ?I will never marry anyone like my mother or my father,? you end up in the same type of situation because you're with the person and some dynamics are taking place. But you need to know yourself.

What do you know about yourself that would draw you to people who have similar characteristics? In your case, it?s a dad in your case, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, I tend to be controlling, and I want to be able to dominate the male. I can control the relationship.

Tell me more about that. Where does that come from? Give me a story from your childhood that just rings true to that. Why did you want to control the male? Why did you want to? Yeah, go ahead.

I could never?it was a hard thing to be able to see my father and to have a relationship with him because aside from his job, he had other jobs, so I had very little time to be able to see him. And I used to stay up very late. And of course, he would go drinking to the bars, so he'd come home really late. And sometimes I would sit on the front porch with my brother, and we'd wait and wait and fall asleep on the porch, and he'd never get home, and my mother would put us to bed. So days, weeks would go by before we would actually spend time with him.

So very, very sad. You're so hungry for time with your dad as a little kid, and you and your brother shared this?that you would just be going instead of just writing him out of your life and just saying, ?The heck with him, if he's not valuing us, give up on him.? Instead here is a father who could have had two lovely kids who adored him, and he's making them beg for crumbs of affection, and he's running his own life into the ground if he's drinking and at the bar. And it sounds like he was working?I don't know if he had just a job that he didn't like or a career.

So you're saying that it was very sad. So how does that lead to you being in a relationship with a gentleman now and feeling like you need to control them?

Well, I always want to know if they love me, if they care about me. Are they, you know, do they like me? You know, what is it about me that they like? And are they going to stay with me or not stay with me? I'm always wanting to know what their emotions are towards me.

And so they experience that as what?

Well, I guess like I'm very?I?m always constantly calling them and ?Where are you? What are you doing?? But what I do also is I control myself. I won't call them, yeah, and so they're always calling me, ?Where are you? What are you doing?? This and that. So I do both things. Or I call them a lot, or I just don't call them at all.

Okay, so you've tried two different strategies. You have what sounds like a fundamental feeling that your father left you with, which is, ?Am I lovable or not?? Just that doubt: am I a lovable person? If Dad loved me, he would have come home earlier. He would have hugged me. We wouldn't have to sit on the porch and wait for him, and Mom wouldn't have to put us to bed. And he would leave us little notes, or bring us little toys, or show us how to do something interesting?how to, I don't know, build a birdhouse or something.

And my guess is, you didn't have a lot of those wonderful experiences as a child with Dad, right?

Right.

And so you have?in cognitive therapy, you would?do you know what cognitive therapy is?

No, ma?am.

Okay, it's a type of therapy where?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon, or at SelfishRomance.com. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Do you know what cognitive therapy is?

No, ma?am.

Okay, it's a type of therapy where you focus on doing similar to what we're doing here. Your thoughts are going to really drive your behavior and your emotions. So if you're thinking, ?Maybe I'm unlovable,? and you've got some doubt about that, then that's going to drive you to want some reassurance.

And so you have a strategy. One strategy to get reassurance is to just ask the guys, ?What are you thinking? Do you like me? What do you like about me?? You're wanting evidence that you're important to them both to feel important for yourself, I'm assuming, and to evaluate them: ?Are they people that are worthy of having in my life?? Right?

And then it also sounds like you don't trust them?kind of the thing of, ?Is Dad at the bar?? And so you have to keep tabs on them. So it's like you're constantly vigilant, and you're always on edge feeling, ?Oh my God, what if I get proof that I'm unlovable from them? Yet another man in my life hurts me.?

And then another strategy you have is almost like throwing up your hands and just playing hard to get. And then they call you, and that gives you some reassurance, but then you feel like a cold person.

So the question to give yourself is, do you love yourself? And if you could collect evidence, maybe two or three things a day of things that you like in yourself, apart from anybody else in the world, and jot them down in a book, to the point where you gain some confidence and a growing conviction that ?I'm a lovable person, and Dad should have loved me. I can't do anything about it now, and he's not my issue. My issue is to find a wonderful value in my life, another man who I don't have to play games with.?

But you need to feel that you're a lovable person. The most important person to convince is yourself. Other people can give you feedback too, but fundamentally it's yourself?that's why we call it self-esteem.

Then you need to build trust that there are men who are lovable, who don't run like your dad did away from the family. And so you want to collect examples of men who are lovable?people you've known, whether it's someone you worked with, or somebody that you saw on TV or in a movie, a father who is a good dad as a role model, or a man who's a good husband. And collect good examples, because that will help challenge that idea that ?There are no good men out there.?

You can go to a website, academyofct.org, Erica?

Yes, sir.

Or my website, DrKenner.com, and it'll give you?you can find a cognitive therapist that may be able to help you through this. But those are some ideas of how to value yourself and then to see that there are better men out there, so that you gain more confidence when you get into a relationship.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay, that sounds good.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome, Erica.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

It's almost beyond belief. She's funny, she's smart, and I would never believe a girl that's beautiful could have such a great personality. Ugly Duckling syndrome. What, she probably didn't get pretty till high school, thus the personality had to develop out of necessity. It's an evolutionary thing.

You know what? I bet you're right. She's way too pretty to be so nice.

And it is possible to be pretty and nice without the ugly duckling syndrome, meaning to have tended to your looks. Whatever your looks are, you can always make them a little better?not that you have to always look glorious. If you saw me right now, I'm sitting here in just some comfy clothes. But it is nice to tend to your looks because there's a psychological component to valuing the way you look, valuing your health, valuing your fitness, valuing the way you dress?and not being obsessive about it, but enjoying it, coming at it from a good perspective.

And that was from Shallow Hal.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It's claimed that sex and money are the two most frequent sources of marital conflict. Learn about your partner's attitude toward money issues before making a long-term commitment. Certainly, there's no future in marrying a gold digger, someone who wants only your money. It's also a mistake to marry a wild spender who thinks only about today but not about tomorrow when the bills come due.

Barring these types, money conflicts are normal and do occur among decent, responsible people, and strong differences of opinion can arise about spending priorities even when there is agreement on the amount to be spent.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.