The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Here's a question from Joel, and we've all felt lonely at different times in our lives. But what happens if you're 30 years old and you feel very lonely and you've never had companionship and you want it. Is it too late to start? See what you think.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, what would you say to a man in his 30s who doesn't date and has never had a girlfriend? I have been plagued by loneliness my whole life, and I don't consider myself physically repulsive. Joel.

Okay, Joel, notice the way you're framing the problem. If I framed a problem that I was having like that, it has a feel to it. It feels very heavy. And if we look at the details, you say you feel plagued. Plagued is a really heavy word. If I felt plagued with a job-loss problem, or that I didn't have a romantic partner, it makes me feel powerless and helpless. So when you frame your desire for companionship, you want to reduce the loneliness. This is a lovely value you're going after. When you frame it as being plagued by loneliness, it makes the problem seem unsolvable.

So one skill you can take from cognitive therapy is just recasting?reframing. Reframing is the term that is used in cognitive therapy?the way you state the problem. State it in a more self-respecting and more optimistic manner, more hopeful manner. So you could say the same thing. You could say: Hi Dr. Kenner, I'm in my 30s and I've never dated and I've never had a girlfriend, but I would like to change that and gain the courage and confidence to try dating. What would you recommend? Do you see it no longer has that heavy feel anymore?

So the next thing is?what to do? What action can you take? Well, psychology is causal, and you want to discover by asking yourself?Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, I live in the shadow of my husband's life, or I feel invisible to my girlfriend. These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance, by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or selfishromance.com.

So the next thing is?what to do? What action can you take? Well, psychology is causal, and you want to discover by asking yourself: What are the barriers that have kept me from dating till now?

You say, well, how would I answer that question? Listen to your own self-talk. What you say to yourself?your inner monologue?when you think about the prospect of dating someone. You see a lovely girl. You're in a library, you see a lovely girl there, or you're shopping at the store and you see a nice woman. Or you go on a dating website, internet dating website, and you see someone you're interested in, and then something kicks in for you because you're 30 years old and you haven't dated.

What do you say to yourself? Do you say to yourself something along the lines of: you know, my parents were always fighting, and relationships will never work out. What's the use? Why bother? Is that what kills it for you? Or do you say something like: oh man, I grew up around three sisters and we fought all the time, and I just don't know if I can make it in a relationship. Or I'm afraid I'll be rejected. Well man, if you don't try, you'll never succeed. You'll always feel rejected anyway. You'll feel like a loner.

So you want my husband's attitude. His was: nothing ventured, nothing gained. And he dated a lot. So you want to understand your self-talk, your unique self-talk, and figure out: is it accurate or not? Can you change it at all? Can you make it more reasonable?

And then ask yourself: what would it mean to succeed? How would that change your life if you had companionship in it? Make yourself hungry for that value.

And also know that romance takes learning some skills. I actually wrote a course: Courting Success in Romance, and you could read books on dating, or you could get my course at Drkenner.com and give yourself the skills and the courage to try dating. Or just try going out to a coffee shop with somebody. Or try having a conversation with them.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Now my husband and I were recently at a restaurant. We went out for a romantic meal together, and at the next table, very close to us?you know how you go for a romantic meal but you end up almost sitting with the people next to you?was another couple, middle-aged couple, and they were with a middle-aged guy, and the guy?s wife wasn?t there. And they shared their regrets. You know, we couldn?t not hear anything.

And then the guy just starts talking about how: you know, my high school reunion's coming up and boy, I would love to go to that reunion. And, oh, you know, I had such a good time at my last reunion. Yeah, I had a really good time. You know why? Because my ex-girlfriend was there. My girlfriend from high school was there?Suzanne. She was such a sweetheart. And yeah, I drank a little bit too much that night. I was really happy. And boy, we had a really nice time together. And I never told my wife, but I think my wife suspects something?s up because she doesn't want me to go to the high school reunion this year.

And I started to get calls from Suzanne, and Suzanne finally said, I guess this is going nowhere. And yeah, I guess. Well, should I go to that high school reunion or not?

Now of course this is no longer a romantic dinner for my husband and I, because we're involved in somebody who's obviously either had an affair?and I think he had?or was considering it.

Your choices matter. What choices he makes really matters. Even if he could get away, in quotes, with an affair, can he really ever escape the fact that he?s living a double life, that he?s cheating on his wife? Now, if it?s a bad marriage, he needs to have that discussion with his wife. But what image does he have of himself if he gets drunk, sleeps with a former girlfriend and then goes back to his marriage, and then is tempted to do it again? What type of a mind is he creating for himself? What type of values does he have? And what effect does it have on him long-range, on his own self-image? That?s the core. And it does take a toll on him and on anyone who?s been in that type of a situation.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Some seemingly innocuous habits can be a real source of annoyance to a partner, such as leaving the toilet seat up, ignoring crumbs on the floor, throwing dirty clothes about, or driving recklessly. Both partners have to decide how dangerous or important negative habits are, and they should make a serious effort to change those that are a real source of friction. Bad habits can be changed more easily than bad personality traits such as impoliteness or tactlessness, because although habits function automatically, they are more limited in scope than traits. Changing habits, however, still requires a deliberate, conscious focus.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com