The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Joe, you're having problems with your girlfriend. You drink and then don't call her. Tell her not?

Yeah. Thank you for taking my call.

Oh, you're welcome.

Yeah. And so what can I help you with?

Okay, I've known Tammy for about eight years. She's been married for the most part, the whole time.

Oh, she's been?yeah, she's having an affair, right?

We have been, yes. I met her before she was married, yeah. And she remarried her ex-husband about a year into it,

okay and but she's staying with you. She's having a relationship with you on the side of her marriage,

we probably saw each other two to three times a year throughout the marriage and contact via email, okay? And recently, in last three weeks, she decided to divorce. And you know, we've started seeing each other on a more regular basis, couple, three times a week. And you know, when I don't hear from her, I will, you know, after a couple days that something just doesn't feel right about it. And like I said, that I'll get intoxicated and tell her I never want to see her again, because I just?I don't know if she's using me or what's going on there, and I don't know. She says now that I finally have a chance with her, I'm blowing it, and I need help.

Okay, so you're getting mixed signals. Part of you feels very self protective. Oh my God, is she using me? Am I being used? And if you don't hear from her for a little space of time, it may be only a few days, but you get that this isn't right. You get that feeling that this isn't right. It's off base. And the feeling is, am I a sucker? That's what I'm hearing.

Exactly.

Am I a sucker? And when you?oh, I'm sorry?when you feel vulnerable, when you feel like you're being had, you drink, and when you drink, then you just go by that feeling. You let the feeling rule you, rather than sitting back and looking at the evidence, the facts. You let the feeling take charge, and you conclude that the feeling is accurate, and you dump her. You guard yourself. Is that accurate?

That is accurate, okay?

And you're wanting a different pattern, or what? How can I help?

I would think that now that she's finally somewhat free, that she'd want to be together more. And I guess she says I'm insecure about it.

Is that true?

I guess to a point. But I mean, I guess if I'm not feeling that this is real, what can I do about it other than to just cast it away?

If you cast it away first, are you ambivalent about being with her?

Well, I love being with her. When we're together, I'm happy.

Are you ambivalent about living with her, having a relationship? Are you afraid she'd cheat on you, like she did with her husband?

No, but at this point, her life is very involved. I mean, she has four kids and no income at this point. And that's, I think, where the using part comes in.

Okay? So it's like, do you have an income?

Oh, yeah, so spending more on her than I can afford.

So there's a red flag that goes up for you that says, Watch out. Does she genuinely love you, or is she loving the security and the safety of having someone she can turn to to get out of a marriage and turn to?and maybe it's a mix. Maybe it's both. Maybe part of her values you and part of her wants the security that you afford. But then the decision is?you know, people have complex relationships. If you look at it as unidimensional, then it's hard. And so it sounds like you're properly looking at it. Tell me, if you didn't drink, what would you do differently?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Tell me, if you didn't drink, what would you do differently?

I still?obviously I think I have somewhat like the same feelings, maybe not as strong. And I've always heard the myth that alcohol is somewhat like a truth serum. And you know, when I don't drink, I control those feelings. I don't let it out.

Okay.

I think I still kind of feel the same way.

Okay. Well, the truth serum?you do want to be able to analyze your emotions, but alcohol is going to not give you clarity. It's like trying to drive in a snowstorm when you drink alcohol, okay? Meaning you may get some glimmers that there's something out there you need to take a look at, and it will lower your inhibitions, granted, and you may say?you may allow yourself to hear self-talk that's genuinely there, meaning, Oh my god, what if she's using me. But you can hear that without the alcohol, and you're able to solve it without the alcohol, okay? Meaning, the alcohol?if you want clear windows and a nice spring day to go for a ride and do your thinking, that's a much better gift for yourself.

So, there's a book I'll recommend. I know this isn't your main focus. It is the focus, though, if you want to value yourself. Because if I try to solve my problems when I feel overwhelmed by drinking, how am I going to feel about myself? What happens to my self esteem?

It goes down, I imagine.

Down the toilet, right? I don't feel good about myself, even though people do use alcohol to self medicate. The book Sober for Good is a very easy, enjoyable read, okay? It talks about?the woman looked for, I forget, 222 people or something. I forget how many people it is. But she interviewed people who had been alcoholics or at all levels of drinking, and were able to give it up on their own, without even help. So it's a wonderful read?Sober for Good, by Anne Fletcher. That's on my website. Anne Fletcher?F-L-E-T-C-H-E-R.

And what I would say for you is that I think you definitely need to take a closer look. She's got four kids, no income, and you need to look for what is the evidence that she values me, and how do I feel about her? How do I feel about her four kids coming into my life, assuming they would, with no income? So those are just some of the questions that you want to ask yourself to be good to yourself, and no snow storms.

Okay?

Okay, that's your choice obviously. Thank you so much for your call, Joe.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner: Do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, okay? Because it makes me uncomfortable. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and is not afraid to be funny, and I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, okay? And I never will be, and I'm fine with that, you know.

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not, it's just?it's not nice.

And that's from Shallow Hal.

And have you had people in your life tell you, Oh, you're the best dancer, or you're the best musician, or you're the best cook ever. And they overstate things. They tell you you're gorgeous, or you're the prettiest, or you're the most handsome, and they pinch on the cheek, that type of thing, and you just feel like it doesn't ring sincere. It doesn't feel right. You know yourself. And most people?I mean, some of us exaggerate our flaws, granted?but most people have a fairly good understanding of what we look like and what we've accomplished. And when people overstate it, it doesn't make us feel good, it makes us focus on that we haven't reached the compliment that they're giving us. And so if they tell me, You're the best dancer, I know I'm not. I've seen hundreds of dancers that are far better than me, and so that doesn't work.

So, when you're giving praise, make it accurate. Make it as?if you had a laser pointer?make it as accurate as a laser pointer, and the person will appreciate it much more. Just say what you observe, say what you feel, say what you think. But make it accurate. Don't try to inflate it.

For more Dr Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr Edwin Locke.

It's important to share an interest in at least some activities with your partner. One partner might enjoy hiking, surfing, swimming, bicycling and movies, and the other might enjoy gardening, reading, cooking, tennis and opera. Partners rarely share all interests, but it's important that they share some. Otherwise they?ll spend less time together and may drift apart emotionally.

Do you and your partner like to talk about the same things? Although most communication between partners is about personal matters, as it should be, most people like to talk about other matters too. If their intellectual interests are very different, or if one partner is interested in intellectual issues and the other is not at all, this can create distance between them.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com