The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Tanya, you're having difficulty with your spouse, your husband.

I am. Yes, ma?am.

Yes. What's going on?

Well, I thought that in different times of our marriage that we were really happy, and then found out that he was lying to me over some different issues. And he says, of course, that's just to protect me, but I have a hard time trusting him. Thinking, you know, that he may lie at any time, and I won't know when he's going to do that when I think things are okay.

So basically, he was lying. How long have you been married?

It?ll be six years in November.

Six years, and you're thinking that things are hunky-dory, that things are going well, and then you get evidence that he lied. Did he lie about romance? Did he lie about finances? Did he lie about the kids or family or what?

Finance, as well as I caught him texting another woman that he said he was just helping her in her marriage.

Okay? And that's called not just friends, huh? ?Hey, I'll help you in your marriage,? and you start talking. And of course, she's divulging not information about math or accounting, she's divulging information about her private, intimate life, right?

So he's?

Go ahead.

And then he wouldn't?you know, he hid the fact that he texted her, but then I caught him.

And he owned up to it.

He did.

Okay. And did you get the nature of the text? You're sure that he was flirting with her?

I really don't know if he was texting her to, quote-unquote, ?help her,? like he says, or if there were other issues behind it.

Okay, but it's raised a big question mark. How can I best be of help to you, Tanya?

Well, I have thought of leaving him. We do have two children together. However, I have a hard time wanting to stay in the relationship knowing that, in the future, he may lie to me about whatever issue it is, and I'll have no idea until I find out about it.

Okay, just to settle your own mind: if you have this question, your anxiety about his potential lying is accurate. It's earned. Meaning it?s a signal from your own mind saying, ?Hey, be on the lookout. He may not be telling you the truth.? You can't go by his word anymore. And if he were a stranger in a convenience store, you walk away. What do you care?

But if he is your chosen romantic partner for life, then it really, really matters. Everything should be transparent. The finances?he needs to share information with you. If he's flirting with another woman, if he's genuinely just helping another woman?if you found out she was an 85-year-old woman who was having problems in the marriage, you'd just laugh.

Well, she's about 50. And that is older, but they've worked together for years and years.

Yeah, so it?s not giving you a settled feeling. And he lied about the texting. So even if it was all above board, even if she's an older woman?I'm saying older, I'm in that age range, okay, guilty as charged?but even if she is. How old is he? He's in his 30s or what?

Yes, he's 33.

Okay, I know, but that can happen though. So even if he is older, if I talk to somebody, I go home and tell my husband?meaning I keep everything out in the open, right? And not in therapy obviously. But if it's in a relationship, and I've talked to my sister about something that I think I need to share with my husband, I share it right away. If a guy flirts with me, guess who I share it with? My husband. Because it totally builds trust, just like ?I'm not going to play around with this type of thing,? and it's the same with you.

So what can you do from this point on? Well, the burden is not in your court. The burden is in his court. And there is a book that could help you. It?s actually a book about affairs, but the theme is: how do you rebuild trust when a partner has been unfaithful?

Now he hasn't been unfaithful, but the methods of rebuilding trust are important. He can't just say, ?Oh, just get over it. It?s not a big deal.? He needs to understand why he lies, what motivated it, what are the contributing factors?from both you and him in the marriage?that would lead him to text another woman and maybe connect with somebody who he works with.

So your kids?you can't give him a big hug.

How old are the kids?

Well, my youngest is three, and then we have my? I have a stepdaughter through him as well, and she's 14. She's about to be 15.

Okay, so you're very busy at home. You could talk with him and just say, ?Listen??

Hey, I?ve gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon, or at SelfishRomance.com. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

You could talk with him and just say, ?Listen.? What does he say when you say that you feel like he's broken the trust?

He tells me he's sorry and that he'll do better.

What do you need from him at that point when he says he'll do better? Is that good enough?

No, because he said that before.

Oh, he?s lied multiple times.

Okay, and so you're considering leaving him. Is that an option? Do you have family to help support you with the kids?

Well, I work full-time as well, and I could definitely do it. I just?to me, it seems like it would be stupid to stay in a relationship where, you know, experience says that he?ll do the same thing no matter what he says.

Tanya, given that you're at that stage, it would be great if you could sit down with paper and figure out: What?s going through my mind? What are the reasons? What's my best argument to myself for leaving the relationship? What are the repercussions with the kids? What's the best argument for staying? What would need to change?

You can see if he'd be willing to go into counseling. I will recommend cognitive therapy in a moment. I?ll give the web address for that. Or you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. You could go there just for yourself, to help guide you through the decision of whether or not to stay with him.

The book was ?How to After the Affair.? But if he hasn't had an affair, it may seem like an odd book to read, so you could take a look at it. It?s how to rebuild trust between couples, and the methods are pretty good. But it may not completely apply if he hasn't had an emotional affair at least. But he has been lying, and that is a relationship-breaker, and so you have a right to leave. And the burden is on him to repair that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Why should he lie? What?s he got to gain? Attention. Maybe this is a quiet, frightened, insignificant old man who has been nothing all his life. Nobody knows him. Nobody quotes him. Nobody seeks his advice after 75 years. That's a very sad thing to me. A man like this needs to be quoted, to be listened to. Very important to him.

And that's a desperate situation. When you have someone who's older?it doesn't have to be 75 years old?but who experiences themselves as older, and they have not achieved in life what they've wanted, either in romance or in career or in friendships or in hobbies or interests. They just haven't pursued it, and they've let themselves down. And then, in order to compensate for letting themselves down, they create a lie, or they fake something, or they do something to gain attention nationwide, as if they're the hero in some situation. Or worse, it can go in the other direction.

But that is called pseudo-self-esteem. They're pursuing not genuine self-esteem?quietly valuing yourself and doing things that better your mind, that better your character?but instead they're faking a character that they don't have.

Now that was a drop from Twelve Angry Men, a fabulous movie, an older movie, but one that you don't want to miss. Twelve Angry Men. A lot of famous people in it. Henry Fonda is one of them.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Discover a potential partner's actual values. Don?t just listen to what this person says. Also look at their choices, their actions and their responses over time. Observe what a potential romantic partner responds to emotionally and why. For example, do they show passion, indifference or contempt for certain events, objects, activities or individuals? Notice what makes them happy, excited or angry. Observe how they make difficult choices?with careful thinking, by weighing the pros and cons, or going by emotions only.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.