The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Rebecca, you have a question on how to choose between two boyfriends?

Yeah. I guess none of them are my boyfriend right now. I broke up with one, and I did break up with the other one like a while back, and now both of them want a chance right now, and I'm single, and I have no idea who to choose, because I care about them both so much, but I don't know who I'd give a chance to.

What caused you to break up with the one that you broke up with a while back? In a sentence, what made you break up with him?

I guess he never wanted to settle down and get married, and the other one together for like eight years, and I was getting impatient. And the other one, I broke up with him because he was a little too wild and would definitely get married like on the side of a road, or you know, randomly at an Elvis church. They were just complete opposites.

It sounds like you need to know yourself better, because it's not just boyfriend one or boyfriend two. There are other men out there that might be even better suited for you. So that's why I asked, why did you break up with them? Because there are things that you can love about individuals, but part of the excitement and joy and thrill and anxiety of dating is learning about one another, and more fundamentally, learning about what you're looking for in a partner. So how old are you now? Are you ready to get married? Is that what's changed?

Yeah, I'm 25 right now, and I have been married before, and it only lasted like four years. Okay? And that's what I'm looking for, somebody to settle down with and then I can spend the rest of my life with.

So who broke that off?

The last person that I was with? They didn?t want to actually have a ceremony, and when it came time to do it, they backed out. They got scared, and they didn't want to do it.

Okay, but you said you were married before?

Yes.

And did he leave you or did you leave him?

I left him because he didn't want to go with the marriage ceremony. We got married in secret.

Okay?

And then he backed out right beforehand, like three weeks before the actual wedding was going to happen with all the ceremonies, and he got cold feet.

Yes.

What do you know about yourself? Do you know what you're looking for in a partner?

Yeah. I know that I want a partner that can ride with me and that can just be as wild as me and wants adventure, and yet wants a family as well. If I could meet somebody with all those qualities and not just one or two of those qualities, that would be amazing.

Okay, so you may have to broaden your search a bit, because you have someone who's wild, and you have someone who's not wild, and it sounds like you want adventure in your life. So you're wanting to find someone who shares those interests, and as you get to know another person that you're dating, you learn about them in layers and over time. So people usually put their best foot forward first. And you feel that infatuation, you feel that love. It's the love of your life, and in some cases, it is the love of your life. That happened to me, so I can speak from experience. In some cases, it isn't. You know the saying ?let your hair down.? You find other aspects of them that kind of puncture that initial bubble. ?Oh, he doesn't like any adventure,? or ?he doesn't want to settle down,? ?he's got commitment issues,? or ?I don't like his habits,? or ?I don't like his anger management problems.?

Like the first one, he's almost perfect when it comes to safety, being a family man, and just being dependable, but he has no adventure to himself, and he's the type to always be home.

So he's the good house husband, he's the good guy at home, but you would feel unfulfilled. So it sounds like neither of them are good candidates for you, meaning both of them can be wonderful guys, both you can you?ll always love what you love in both of them. It sounds like if you're willing, you could do a search. If this is the choice you're giving yourself, then it is either the Elvis, you know, getting married at the Elvis church, or having the guy who is settled and wants a family.

And many times there are trade-offs in relationships. Like when I married my husband, he danced before we got married. We got married, and then he had no interest in dancing, and I just said to myself, I love so much about him that I'll dance occasionally at a wedding or whatnot a few times a year, and that's okay because I love so much else about him. But some things would be a terrible mismatch. If you do love a sense of adventure, then someone who's a stick-at-home person, you know, who's settled, is a mismatch for you. But if you love a sense of adventure and the other guy is off running around with adventures and you want to get married and settle down too, you know that's a problem.

What I can recommend: I don't know if you know, but I wrote a book with Dr. Ed Locke, and it's about how to value yourself in a romantic partnership. And we have a whole section on how to make yourself lovable, and then another section on how to choose, how to find the right partner for you. And we have things to look at, such as what's fundamentally important to you. Is that important to them also, or to the guy that you're interested in? What personality can you live with? What would make it a nice, comfortable home to come home to, rather than a stormy one? What about habits? Do they have habits that would drive you nuts? Or time management? Are they always late or always need to be an hour early? Finances? You know, that's another consideration. Appearance. You know, sometimes looks can grow on you, but you need to somewhat be attracted to the person that you're going to be with. Fitness. Do they take care of their health and fitness?

Yeah. Such an important thing to me.

You know, having a family: how many kids, who's going to take care of them? Sexual visibility and emotional visibility: do you feel seen? And of course, if there's any drug abuse or physical abuse or infidelity or they're a control freak, that would definitely be a no.

We have a whole section in our book, so you could get our book on Amazon.com, if you're interested. We titled it The Selfish Path. It's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love With Passion and Reason. And selfish, we mean self-valuing, not the mean rotten way to romance, but the self-esteem.

So I wish you some luck with that, and I would consider other options too that you'll read about in the book.

Okay.

Okay, I appreciate your time.

Oh, you're very welcome. Thank you, Rebecca.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Frasier, are you actually so desperate that you're trying to impress these people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend? Why, in order to win the approval of a group of virtual strangers?

I know it sounds foolish now.

It's not foolish. I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school. You're a successful man. You have an opportunity for real growth here, not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.

And of course, that's from Frasier.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and this is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And think about who in your life have you tried to impress over the years? I can remember back to junior high school when I felt inadequate, insecure, and I can remember taking out a calendar and writing down what I would wear every day of that month. And partly I just loved to dress up, but partly I needed to impress, and I needed to learn that I didn't need to impress. And of course, I've come a long way since then.

But I also observed that when I was dating, experiencing what it was like to go to the door and see a guy who wanted to obviously impress me, and it didn't impress me. They might have been dressed with patent leather shoes and their hair slicked back, and it wasn't even their clothes. It was something in their mannerism where I could feel that insecurity.

And I know when my husband came to the door, we obviously weren't married. He was so different. He was relaxed. He felt at home with himself. He wasn't trying to impress. He wore dungarees. He used a coupon to bring me out that night?dinner for two for the price of one. So he obviously wasn't trying to impress me, and that impressed me. I just felt so at home with him, so relaxed with him.

And you want to figure out who do you feel relaxed with in your life and who makes you feel insecure? Who are you trying to impress? And maybe you don't need to impress them. Maybe you can challenge that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook, by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal-setting:

When looking for your soul mate, you want a partner you are attracted to both physically and mentally. You will spend most of your time with this person. Why would you want to be with someone whose appearance displeases you? Does this mean you can never let your hair down and have a casual day? Of course not. But if you don't value yourself enough to care how you look, you're not making yourself fully lovable, and you are announcing your lack of self-value in a revealing public manner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.