The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and @amazon.com

Linda, you're having some difficulty.

Yes, I am.

Yeah. Are you dating now?

Yes, I've been divorced for 19 years, and I've been seeing the same man for 12 years. I'm 61 years old. When we first started seeing each other, I had three daughters, but they've all grown and married, and now I have eight grandchildren. The man I date doesn't want to have anything to do with the family, so I'm always torn between the two.

You're totally conflicted between two of your top values, your kids, your family, and the man that you've been with for 12 years.

Yes, so you've tortured yourself for 12 years.

Sometimes, yeah, that way.

Tell me, what is his problem with your family? Why would he want to keep you away from them, or keep himself away from them?

Well, he's a bit of a recluse, and he only has one son who lives out of town, and he is of that philosophy that once children are grown and raised, they're on their own and you help them if they need it, but that's pretty much it. And one of my daughters is a doctor, and she lives in North Carolina, and the other two live close to me, and we've always been close, like sisters, so there's just always a conflict there.

Yeah.

If we have a family get-together, of course he never comes. So I don't do as much as I used to.

I can hear the emotion in your voice. I can hear how painful this is. If you could be 100% true to yourself, meaning what do you want to do? Don't worry about your kids. Don't worry about him. What would you choose?

I guess that's my problem. I can't. I would like, I would like to be able to strike a happy balance. So my children are going to the beach and invited me to go, and it's one of the daughter's birthday, and I think that's reasonable. But I was afraid for two weeks to tell the man I see because he doesn't get angry, he just gets cold.

Yeah, but that is the same, isn't it?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance ? that is interesting.

He doesn't get angry, he just gets cold.

Yeah, but that is the same, isn't it? Cold is even worse than anger. Anger you can deal with. You can talk back to cold and distance and withdrawn and trying to take the moral high ground. You have every right, Linda, to be with your kids. They're your kids. They're your family. And his philosophy is not your philosophy. His philosophy of ?once they're grown, they're on their own.? Well, some kids you want to be on their own because you don't like them. Some kids you love dearly.

My son?s hopefully coming home tonight. My son's in his 30s, but he's coming home either tonight or tomorrow. I can't wait.

That's the way I feel, too.

And in loving relationships, if you've been able to carve out loving relationships with your kids, and the price of your relationship with this gentleman is that you give up one of your topmost dearest values? a day ? you said you're how old, 61? You're 61. A day at the beach with family and for a part ? was it a party you said?

No, they rented a house in Hilton Head. Two of their daughters and their children, and one of them's having a birthday. So I'm planning to go down there for her birthday.

Unapologetically. You have every right to go. Now the question is why do you feel you have to hide it? What's going on there? What have you given up to be with this man?

I?ve given up a lot of me. He's a good man. I was married to a man who cheated on me, and this man doesn't?

Well, people can cheat in different ways, you know. Meaning people may not have an affair and violate your trust that way, but it's still something to take a close look at. Is the relationship making you happier? Or are there red flags? Are you chronically stressed? If you're in a relationship that you want to remain in, can you strengthen yourself? Can you go to even a cognitive therapist that would teach you thinking skills, that would help you ? assertiveness skills ? you know, being able to hold your own, not in a mean way but in a confident way. And then you could stay in the relationship. Or is it that you've wanted to leave but feel there may be nobody else, and/or just feel like you're trapped there. I'm not sure where you're at.

I'm not sure where I am either. Okay, there are times when I think ? I'm a high school teacher. I have confidence in the classroom. Nobody puts anything over on me. But when it comes to men, I just am sort of laid-back, pushover, and I have trouble being assertive when I'm easily hurt.

Were you that way with your dad?

You know? I don't think so. I was the oldest in the family. I don't think I was that way with my dad. I always felt I had to please my parents all the time because I had two young?

Okay, that is the killer in any relationship. If I felt I had to please you, I couldn't think clearly. I would have to keep thinking, ?What does Linda want? What does Linda want me to say? How does she want me to smile? What does she want me to do for her?? And I make myself into a slave. Technically, that's called other-ism, altruism, and that is the killer in psychology.

So you're suffering with what many people suffer with. I would recommend reading ? it's going to sound odd ? The Virtue of Selfishness. And it's not a mean selfishness. It's not a hurtful one. In fact, you have much better relationships when you can value yourself. And that's by Ayn Rand. That's on my website, DrKenner.com.

Okay.

But I also recommend you can go to my website again, DrKenner.com, and there are books you can read. You can find a cognitive therapist who may help you through this period. Because being true to yourself is the best gift we can give ourselves and the hardest thing to learn. Linda, listen, thank you so much for calling.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free @selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance ? that is interesting. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Your looks matter. They convey your attitude toward yourself. You can make two errors when it comes to your looks. You can believe that looks are everything and spend your life in front of a mirror trying to look just right, or you can disregard or deliberately ignore your appearance, or even intentionally make yourself look unappealing. You are neither a body without a mind, nor a mind without a body, but both of those errors say something about your evaluation of yourself and potential partners. Don't fall in love with a mindless body or a disembodied mind. They fall in love with you ? an integrated person with a body directed by your mind. How you take care of yourself and present yourself physically says a lot to a prospective romantic partner, as well as to a long-term partner.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book @amazon.com.