The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Lynette, welcome to the show. Tell me what's your question.

I need to know how to get my husband to let his mother go.

Okay, how long have you been married?

We've been married a year, but we've been together for seven years,

seven years, seven years together.

Yeah, and tell me what's the most irksome thing that happened recently relating to your husband and his mom,

the fact that she wants us to come over her house on Christmas, and Christmas is our anniversary. Actually, it will be our first anniversary this year, and I mentioned to him about doing something with us, just together, by ourselves. But I know his mom, she wants, she probably is going to want us to stay over there all day. I mean, it's been like stuff ever since we've been together, but sometimes he'll slow down like he won't call her for like a couple of days, okay? And then she'll call and be mad because he hasn't called her. Or when they're on the phone, she'll ask stuff about me. And sometimes I get a vibe that she's talking about me. I've been having this vibe for a while.

Okay? So you probably have some evidence. It's not just a vibe. You're not stupid. What's some of the evidence?

Yeah, go ahead.

They come around in the way that they look at me whenever I'm around them, or the way they talk to me.

You mean as if they're scanning you, as if they're trying to get the dirt on you, yeah? Not quite, huh?

Not quite, but it's like, we'll be talking about something, and I could say something about my husband, you know, something good, and she would, you know, try to put it down. That makes me feel bad about it. Or maybe I'll mention something to her about what we did, or what I would do for him on his birthday, or something. And she probably seems to me, I don't know for sure, it seems to me like she'll try to talk to him as if I'm not a good person for him or?

Okay. Was that an issue? I mean, did he have the courage to marry against his mother's wishes? Did he marry someone?

I believe so.

So he did have some courage. Yeah, okay,

but it seems like you weren't being his mom. And when she says something, he feels he should do it.

Do you understand where that came from in his childhood? Why he feels he has to kowtow to her? Does he feel really guilty for having given her a hard time at some point in his life? Or has he always been a, ?Yes, ma?am, I?ll do whatever you want,? type person?

No, what he said while they were growing up, is that he had to be the man of the house because his father had left.

How old was he when his dad left?

Probably about seven or eight.

Okay, so if we?re trying to recreate the picture in the few minutes that we have on radio, I may not have all the details, so I apologize for getting something wrong if I do. But if he grew up feeling like he was the man of the house, he had to step in his dad's shoes. Then he and mom had to coordinate things, didn?t they? If she?s the lady of the house and he's the man of the house, were there many other kids in the family?

Yeah, two others. Two other kids, younger.

Yeah. So he took on a parentified role at a very young age, and he's got some sort of bond with his mother that makes it much more difficult for him to feel independent of her. Okay, that's what you're saying, right? And so you need to be able to speak to how do you let him know that this is a problem?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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You need to be able to speak to how do you let him know that this is a problem,

that's the thing. I've been holding it in. Some stuff, you know, like ?you're a mama's boy, you always have to call your mama every day, or you have to talk to her every day.? It's not like that I don't want him to have any communication with her. Yeah, I would love for him to have communication with her, but it just seems like it interferes in our relationship. Okay?

So you let it get to the point where you get so frustrated that you start labeling him as a mama's boy, right? And he has got to resent that, because he's probably thinking she has no idea. Lynette has no idea what I went through with my mom, dad leaving, taking care of the kids, and ?if I want to spend time with my mom on Christmas, I'm not going to abandon her the way dad did.? There may be some thought patterns that he has like that, but he needs to be able to share those with you.

So what I would recommend is to say, ?Honey, when you have a chance?? try to catch him at a time when he's open to talking with you. ?I would love to talk about how to deal with the holidays and how to deal with your mom in a way that works for both of us. Help me understand you better.?

And then you need a skill that's called active listening. One of the hardest things to do with a loved one is to listen to them?not biting your tongue in a way that you'll never speak up, but just postponing the speaking up for a little bit. You want to draw him out so you get the story, just as a therapist would, to understand the richness of why he acts as he does.

So he shares with you: ?You know, I feel so guilty. I don't know how to say no to my mom. I want to be with you. I would love to spend Christmas with you, honey, but I don't know how to say no to her.?

So then it's skill building. Could we go to therapy and maybe learn some skills? You might suggest that. ?Could we get a book? Could we listen to some tapes on assertiveness?? To help you out, you know, to help both of us out. Because otherwise it's Mom versus you, and he's going to feel pinned in the middle. He's going to, at times, want to throw up his hands and just run away.

So you want to be very?you want to be loving towards him and then honest with him. ?Let's work together so it feels like we're the prime unit. Not you and mom, and then you and me, and mom and me at war with one another, silently, subtly?very subtly.?

You know, let's try to help mom see that the situation has changed, and help encourage her. ?Mom, I know how much you would love to spend Christmas. Let's make two Christmases this year. For this Christmas we'll spend it with you. Next Christmas, we want to celebrate our anniversary together.?

You may be able to wean him off of her that way, or both of you wean yourselves off of her. So the more you do it with kid gloves, but not by shutting up and biting your tongue ever?that will bite you so badly moving forward, Lynette. You need to have a voice in the marriage. If you bite your tongue, it comes out aggressively with everyone you know. You bite it for so long, and then you just say, ?I'm gonna tell you how I really feel now.?

So don't call him a mama's boy. Instead, work with him to see how you can both move on and have more of a private life. Thank you so much for your call.

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