The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Welcome to the show, Kate.

Hi.

Dr. Kenner, hi, welcome. What's your question?

I have a marital question. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and basically my question is, we've he's had a lot of problems with time management. He commutes to work. He puts in long hours. He's a high-level executive. He also is a recovering alcoholic, and he goes to meetings three days a week. And I've always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt with his time, and tried to be as understanding as possible, okay, but recently he accepted a position as a basketball coach, okay, which took up Friday afternoons, which he, a couple months ago, got Friday afternoons off, and that was wonderful. Is really helping us out a lot.

And you mean as a couple, I'm sorry, as a couple, it was helping us as a couple.

Yeah.

Okay, so your question is, you want disappeared, and then Monday evenings, like right now, at this moment, he is coaching basketball.

And who is he? Is it an adult team? Is it with your kids?

It's my child's school, but my child is not on the team.

Oh, that's interesting. Why would he do that?

He loves basketball.

Okay, so it's his passion.

Yeah.

And how old is your child? Male, female?

I have a nine-year-old daughter, and I have one-year-old twins.

One-year-old twins. Is he escaping responsibility?

He's escaping something. I feel like he's trying to escape me, and I just and every time I try to talk to him, he is so defensive, and then we get in a fight, and we never get anywhere. And I'm just getting I'm starting to really get so frustrated and so depressed. I just don't even know what to do.

But you have one-year-old twins.

Yeah.

So this was unplanned. Did you want did both of you want children?

Yes, we did.

Oh, you did. So you did plan this?

Yes.

And why is he not on board with you? Why is he not taking more time off to be with the twins?

I don't know.

Is it more than he bit off? I mean, he didn't expect it to be as much work as it is.

It's not that much work for him, because he really doesn't contribute that much taking care of the twin.

He's a high-level executive. Do you get any help?

I recently hired a babysitter who comes in three afternoons a week after school, and that does help me out, but?

Oh, I would definitely do that. So you get some respite for yourself.

Well, you know, I'm driving my older daughter back and forth from ballet classes, going to the grocery store and helping the babysitter with baths and get dinner on the table. So it's not like, you know, that's the same thing he thinks. It's not like I'm out shopping or going to the spa, okay, to get everything I have to do done, because physically, it's impossible for one person.

So you're still stretched real thin with the three children, and you're wanting to revitalize your romantic relationship, or to figure out what's going on with him?

Yeah, I would.

And what if you try to?when was your best time with him when you first met? What period of time did you feel like now you were soul mates?

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When was your best time with him? When you first met? What period of time did you feel like, yeah, you were soul mates?

You know, dating was very good, but, you know, he pursued me aggressively.

He did, yes, okay, what did he do during that period?

Well, I was not interested in having a boyfriend, and and he called me frequently. He would bring me flowers. Anything I wanted to do is what we did. We had a good time together.

And what happened?

After we got married, it gradually slowed down, and then I found out this was a very revealing conversation we had one night. I asked him if he wanted to go to the movies, which we had done frequently when we were dating. And he said, No, I don't want to see that movie. And then I asked him, Why don't we go to the movies anymore? And he said, Well, I really don't like the movies. And I said, What are you talking about? When we were dating, we went all the time. And he said to me, Yes, that's because we were dating. So he just did it because he knew I liked it. And, you know, I sort of feel like it was false advertising.

Okay, so it's like my own husband, who danced before we got married, and once we got married, he dropped it like a hot potato. He wasn't going to dance anymore. And he said, I'm not jealous. You can dance with anybody else, but not me. For 19 years, he did that. Then one day he came home and said, I've been in the arms of another woman, and I've loved it for the last three days. He did not have an affair. He took dance lessons to surprise me, 19 years into marriage, and he hasn't stopped dancing since. It was wonderful for our marriage.

But getting back to your situation, the question is: in a soul-mate relationship, one of the key points, one of the key the key values, is that you feel valued, you feel important, you feel visible, you feel like you're cared for, like your partner will call you a few times during the day. Your partner will buy you something, and I don't mean a big gift. It could be the flowers that you're talking about, or it could be a new salt and pepper shaker, if that's what you needed. But there's a sense of being connected, of sleeping closer together in the bed, of feeling that you're squeezing each other's hands and having those looks pass back and forth with one another. Most couples end up settling. They end up becoming more functional roommates rather than loving partners, and then they look back and say, What happened to us?

Now, you've got the complication that he's been in AA. He's been sober, though, for several years, or he's been on and off?

He's been sober for three years.

For three years, so you still have a long history of him having been an alcoholic, right?

He was not really an active alcoholic when I married him. It happened years into the marriage.

Okay. You don't think there's any hidden information, like he had affairs and he's trying to hide them, and he feels so guilty, and he's afraid to get too close to you, because it may come pouring out, and you may up and leave him.

No.

You don't think he's had any affairs. So he's just escaping. He's like a type A?well really not a type A, okay?

Interesting, because I'm a little bit more of a type A.

I don't know, but it makes me feel like I'm totally not a priority, and neither are the girls.

Yeah, and that's the two twins are girls too?

Yeah, everyone's a girl.

Was he disappointed? Did he want boys?

No.

Okay.

No, he was happy. I mean, he lost the girl.

Yeah, my dad wanted a son, and ended up with three girls.

He loves them.

Yeah, but it's just yeah. You know, I just don't understand why he doesn't want to come home, why he doesn't want to be?

And if you asked him that directly, what would he say? Help me understand you, honey, we're not spending the time together that we did before, and I feel like you've chosen basketball over me. Help me understand that. What might he say?

Well, the first thing that is a problem is that he gets very defensive, and he's like, well, do you not?he'll automatically go into defensive mode and start a fight. What would he say? He would say, so do you want me to quit? Or he would say, you know, it's just one fun thing I get to do, and I don't get?I work so hard.

You know, I would love you, honey. I would love you to be able to have basketball. I'm wondering why it's a higher priority than me. And if there's anything that you want to do about that, I definitely would like to feel closer to you. I don't know if it's a joint effort, though, if you want to feel closer to me. So you can't force his mind. If he prefers basketball over you, what are you going to do? I mean, you can decide to leave the marriage, but that's tough. You can try to intrigue him. You can develop interests of your own. You can go take dance classes?boy, that may make him sing a different song and suddenly decide he likes the movies, yeah?

But I'm not saying you want to do any game playing with him, but you can have a life apart from that. Yeah?

Then that's the problem. I feel like he has a very full life outside this house. And I really?

Oh, don't?you will be so resentful towards your kids. So you know how you tell?you jumped in to tell me, listen, the time I have off those three days when I get the sitter, I'm really with my other child. I recommend that you must take time for yourself. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Emotions vary, not only in type, but also in intensity, from mild anxiety to severe panic attacks, from mildly sad to seriously depressed, from mildly happy to exuberant. Hormones aside, the intensity of your emotions depend on the importance of the value at stake. If you are feeling a powerful emotion, the intensity indicates: this is really important to me. If you sense that your emotion is too intense for the situation, ask yourself, what mistaken interpretation am I making here? Did you blow your top when your partner was 10 minutes late? You initially may be thinking, If my partner is late, it means the whole evening will be ruined, or my partner doesn't care about me. Then do a reality check. Is this really true? Is anger the appropriate response? Even if it is true, you?

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.