The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com
Justin, you're? you have a question on romance?
Yes, I do, Dr. Kenner. I appreciate you taking my call.
Of course.
First off, and thank you. This is a great service you provide.
Oh, thank you.
Could you define romance?
Oh, romance. Define it for what purpose?
For the purpose of dating, for the purpose of marriage, for?I mean, just in its essence, so to speak?what is romance?

Okay, I don't have a definition of romance at my fingertips. I've written courses on it, and so if I had to do it just off the top of my head, giving me a little leeway here, it would be a very close, intimate bond with another person who shares your values, who shares your same way of coming at the world, and who gives you a profound pleasure?including sexual pleasure?that you don't get in just a friendship relationship.

It's? it has a different quality to it. I mean, there are some things that are similar with a friendship. So I don't know if that's what you're referring to. In what way does it come up in your life?

Well, I guess if I was?let's say I knew a lady at the office, so to speak, and wanted to be?wanted to ?romance? her, so to speak?I guess I'm looking for, I guess? and I think you kind of answered some of it. The difference between the friendship and romance would be a closer, intimate bond with somebody. It wouldn't be just a friendship. So yeah, above a friendship.

And even though I said I met my husband and I wanted to marry him the first night, I'm not a fool?I didn't go off and marry him. You need to learn a lot about another person's character. People can fake well on a date?or a few dates, sure. And so if you're interested in this woman at work, you want to figure out how to court her. How to figure out? you want to, not so much romance her in the sense of having sex with her right away, but you want to figure out how to get closer to her. Have you already been doing that?

I think I've been working on it. I guess maybe that goes into another question, if you don't mind.
Yeah, sure.
It seems like women put you kind of through little tests. Why do they do that?

Oh, you have to give me an example.
Maybe something that?let's say if this woman at work says that we're talking about the weekend or whatever, and she says that she knows that I'll be there to? let's say there was a company party or something, and she knows that I'll be there, in essence, to see her, almost like saying that she's telling me that she knows that I'll be there. But I noticed? kind of a dumb example, and I apologize.

Let me be the woman for a minute. If I say to you, ?You're coming to the company party this weekend. I know you're there because of me.? Is that what she would say to you?
Yes, that was almost exactly how it was. But?

And if she said that with a wink in her eye, that's giving you some information, okay? And if she says it with a playful wink, what's that telling you?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance?

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where's that ad I saw? Here it is.
The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance?that is interesting.

And if she said that with a wink in her eye, that's giving you some information, okay? And if she says it with a playful wink, what's that telling you?

I guess maybe, hopefully, that she thinks that I'm going to be there.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like a test. That sounds like a little? that sounds like ?Hey, I like you. Take the next step,? meaning come talk to me.

Okay, what about if it was?let's say we had a company project, and let's say there were four projects, and we did two of them together. And on the third one she says, ?I know you'll be there on the third one,? without a wink or anything, but just kind of?

Well, amazing?you don't want to try to read her mind. You know, I don't even know her. You can drive yourself batty by trying to figure out, ?Well, what did she mean by that? Does she like me? Does she not like me?? Have you dated a lot in the past?

Sure, yes ma'am, I have.
You know, it's not like I've never dated. I mean I've dated, you know, several women?probably upwards of 50 or so. And it's nothing new.
Anyway?40 to 50 women?
Yes, ma'am.
And how old are you?
I'm 37.
You're 37, and are you looking for a long-term relationship?
Yes ma'am, I am. I want to have kids and?
And how long have you known the woman at work?
Approximately eight months or so.

Okay, you need to be a little careful with the work situation. I'm not sure what type of a job it is. Is she the type of? I know that some people? a guy could go up and just crack a joke with me that has sexual overtones and I would laugh. Another woman would report him. And you know what would happen? You know he might?
Yes ma'am, and I haven't done any of that because of, you know, today's political correctness.
Yeah. What type of? you don't have to tell me the specifics, but in what area is it? Health care, or what type of an area are you in?

Let's say in the construction industry.
Okay, so you're working in construction. You're very attracted to a woman, you've known her for eight months, right? And she's?why can't you go out for coffee with her? What have you thought of doing?

I've actually thought of doing the whole, you know, trying to go out on a date thing, and it hasn't evolved to that yet. But I keep getting these signals?you know, ?The next project, let's work on it together.?

Oh, that's nice. So instead of making it a formal date, you can just try to get to know her better, because that's what people do on a date. You can just go out for coffee. You're working on the project, and you stay a little later, you talk. You go out for coffee, you might grab a bite to eat for lunch with her, or grab her something for lunch, and you get to know each other.

When you're with each other, you don't want to always talk about work?find out a little bit about each other's past. You know, you can ask questions: What type of music does she like? What does she like to do for vacation? Does she have kids? There may be big questions like that that you want to ask her. And just notice your own emotional reaction. It may get better and better and better for you?you may feel closer to her. Or you may find it mixed. She has answers, or you talk about some areas that put you on guard?you don't like her.

Okay, so you can?
I've written several dating courses. I know they're at the Ayn Rand Bookstore?A-Y-N-R-A-N-D Bookstore dot com. But you can go into any bookstore, and there are very good books on dating that could be helpful.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com?and please listen to this ad:
Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

It's important to identify the emotions you're feeling?such as sadness or loneliness. Then you can proceed to identify their specific causes. If a strong emotion is based on mistaken ideas or values, you can proceed to change it by consciously correcting the wrong ideas each time you feel that emotion.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.