The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. DrKenner.com

Jackie, you're deciding whether to stay with your husband or not.

Yeah, it's something that I've been thinking about for several years, actually.

Yeah. How long have you been married?

We've been married for 11 years and but have been together for 20.

Okay, yeah, so it's a long, long-term relationship. How many kids?

We just have one daughter. She's 11.

Okay, hence the marriage.

Yeah, oh, that's?I get it. I didn't put two and two together that quickly, right? Yeah. So tell me what's been going on the last several years that makes you consider leaving him.

I feel?

I'm losing you a little bit? oh, can you hear me now?

No, you're very faint. Okay, we'll continue though. I'll try very hard.

Okay. His behavior is getting out of control, I think.

Yeah, in what way?

Well, he's very irresponsible. He doesn't work, he doesn't take care of me and my daughter. I'm the one who takes care of everything. I work, I pay the bills, I take care of her, and he's just? I don't know. He just?he sometimes doesn't come home at night and?

Oh, that's suspicious. What's going on there?

I'm sorry, what was that?

That's suspicious. What do you suspect is going on there?

I feel like it might be drugs.

Any paraphernalia?

I haven't found any recently, but I have? like, three years ago, I found some in the house.

What did you find?

I found a pipe for smoking.

Okay.

And, you know, I of course confronted him immediately and he denied that it was his, and I haven't found anything like that since. But his behavior is just so erratic that I just feel like?I've been staying for my daughter because I know how much she loves him and how much she needs him, but I feel like I'm setting a bad example for her.

Now, you mean that she will think that relationships involve staying with somebody who's not taking responsibility, right?

I don't want her to think that's okay. That's my problem?is it more important for her to have her father, or is it more important for her to see me take care of myself?

It's more important for you, to be honest. That's the bottom line. And it sounds like?have you been happy? Obviously not in the relationship, right?

No. It's been a long time since I've been happy.

And it's not that he fought in the war and came home and had an injury and you're dealing with that. It's something that's within his control. He can choose to go out and use drugs or not. I mean, I don't agree with the disease model of drugs. These are choices he's made.

He can choose to find work and pick up some of the slack, or even be the man of the house?you know, try to be the man of the house. Or he could choose not to. And the fact that you're doing all of this makes him much less lovable by his own choices, right?

Right.

And that's exactly what we judge people on. We judge people on what's within their control. Could he have chosen otherwise in any of these? Could he choose right now to sit down and talk with you and open up about what's going on behind the scenes so you don't have to live with this big huge question mark or dark cloud looming over you saying, ?I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing, and I'm not telling you?but I'm not going to tell you?and I'm also not taking responsibility. I'm not acting like a husband. I'm not acting like a friend. He's certainly not acting like a soulmate,? right?

So if your daughter has a view of him as a good daddy, does she also see some of the things that you're seeing?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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If your daughter has a view of him as a good daddy, does she also see some of the things that you're seeing that you do?

Yeah, and I used to cover it up a lot, but I just felt like I couldn't do that anymore because I just felt like now I'm lying to my daughter. And so she's been starting to see the behaviors herself. And I guess that's why I'm feeling like now she's seeing it, and I'm letting her see it, and now I'm condoning it by staying.

Would he go into counseling with you, or have you tried that?

He suggested it, but he never follows through on it.

If you made an appointment, what would happen?

Let's see?in the past I did make an appointment once, and he didn't show up.

Okay, go ahead.

I mean, I could try it again. I'll do anything that would benefit my daughter.

Okay, and yourself. You want to keep yourself in?you?re benefiting your daughter by being honest. Actually, that's getting back to my first point: if you're looking at the facts and saying he used to be a better guy, and he let himself go? I'm assuming 20 years ago he wasn't this way.

No, he wasn't. He was a different person. And when my daughter was born, he was working and he was?you know, he seemed like he was proud to be the breadwinner and the family man.

How did he lose his job?

He started?there was a back injury involved. He did heavy construction and it put him on disability for a while. But then he got over it and tried to go back to the same kind of job, and it didn't quite work out. I guess the pain was too much for him.

Yeah.

And so he tried to do other things, like his own business?like a maintenance business?but he just never completely committed to it.

So it isn't that he tried his darndest and it fell through. It's that you didn't see him energetically trying to make it work?when he could have, right? So whether?if he didn't like the maintenance business, he could have looked for other businesses. It sounds like when this all fell apart 11 years ago, he could have made much better choices.

So when you sit back and evaluate him and compare him to other men you know?you can see the difference between men who do take responsibility for their lives. My guess is, your emotions are different towards him now too.

Oh yeah, definitely. I don't see him as my partner.

So the marriage is dissolving even though you're both remaining married.

So, I know we're winding down here, but basically you want to show your daughter that achieving good things in life is possible?including, especially, your own happiness.

But what does happiness involve?

It involves having a good romantic relationship, or at least living alone where you're not trapped with somebody who's not supportive of you and you could move on and find someone else eventually. It means having a career that you enjoy. It means having good friendships. It means having interests or hobbies that you enjoy. It means spending wonderful moments with your daughter and having maybe some hobbies with her or doing something together.

I think that's the fuel that we all live for. That's what makes us look back on any particular day and say, ?Wow, that was worth living. That was fun.?

I think now that your daughter?s older and has more facts, it would be important to maybe? go to a therapist for yourself, even if he's not willing to go, and to figure out how to strategize maybe moving out.

Listen, thank you so much for your call.

Jackie, for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Is romance possible with an abuser who abuses only sometimes? No. Abusers may initially act nice in order to con their partners into a relationship. Then they gradually escalate their abuse and insidiously undermine the confidence and trust of their partners until none is left.

Abusers do not value their partner's happiness because they don't value themselves. Their goal is destruction. Frequently, a partner will put up with abuse or otherwise bad behavior because the abusive partner sometimes acts in a respectful, considerate manner. The victim rationalizes that ?the abusive behavior is not the real him or her.?

This is an unfortunate mistake. Abusive behavior is just as much a part of that person's character as the considerate behavior?and a very dangerous part, because unless corrected, it always undermines the rest.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.