The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

And right now, I want to welcome Jim to the phone. Jim, you're having some difficulty with insecurity and trust.

Yeah, that's one way of putting it.

Okay, what's going on?

Well, I'm in a relationship with this guy. It's going to be almost a year now since we met. For the first five minutes, you know, we were just friends, mostly because I felt very friendly toward him and I didn?t want to have sex. I wanted to just keep it platonic at the time. But that changed in December, just before my birthday, and I opened up, saying, you know, hey, we?re both kind of promiscuous. We?re both very sexual people. But I?m looking for something romantic, but at the same time not necessarily monogamous?just something special, though, where what we do with other people can still remain casual, but we have something special for each other. And that?s been pretty much flourishing for the past, I?d say, gosh, about six months almost.

Okay.

And the issue has come up, though, where he has a friend, which is something a little bit different to me?not the same as a casual sex partner?but a friend that he is now also having sexual interaction with, and that is not sitting well with me. And the whole thing about insecurities is that I?ve been working through tremendous insecurities from the beginning of this relationship because I?m a terribly insecure person. I?m terribly jealous, and I fully acknowledge that about myself. And I guess my thing now is, because I?m so aware of the insecurities that I have had and still have, I don?t know if my concern?my focus on this issue with him and this other guy?and this is casual, you know?that his love is for me and that we?re still the special pair, I don?t know if my doubt and my insecurity that beats me up inside is really just insecurity, or if it?s more of a personal standard that I may have. A personal standard that I might have. You know, maybe it?s just something that I?m learning?it?s a standard and expectation that I have. I can?t tell if I?m just insecure and I don?t want him to do it, or if it?s something that I need to listen to and actually say, hey, wait a second, this isn?t okay with me. I?m torn.

Okay, so what I?m hearing is your ambivalence. You?re trying to decide, what do I want in a relationship? And that?s not clear in your own mind. That?s what I?m hearing. On one hand, you?re trying to structure a romantic relationship?more than a friend?but someone where you have a unique shared universe with one another. On one hand, I?m hearing your hunger for that?that what I would love in life is someone who means the world to me, and I mean the world to him, and we share a life together, and we?re each other?s top priority. Unquestionably, we can lie back at night, go to sleep, we can make love with each other, and we?re not torn, we?re not rattling with doubt. Correct? That?s one side of your ambivalence.

The other side of your ambivalence is saying, hey, we?re both cool. We?re both adults. Isn?t it cool to just be able to be promiscuous a little? That?s how we both met. We?re both enjoying relationships, sex with other people?casual sex, the way you?re phrasing it. And why can?t we continue just having sex on the outside and having that confidence that we?re in the target of each other?s love circle?

Yes.

Okay, so what you?re asking for is a contradiction. You can?t have it both ways, and you will continue to torture yourself. And I have yet to hear of a case?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it?a very quick ad?and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

I have yet to hear of a case where people wanting not just casual sex, but wanting a romantic relationship where they are cherished?which is a very unique friend, different than just a friendship, because you?re sharing the most intimate part of your souls. Notice I?m not even saying bodies. You?re saying it is through you that I experience my own psychological mirror. You?re the one that makes me feel most valued, and I make you feel most valued, and this is a treasure for both of us to have this relationship. If you then go and shake hands with somebody else, it?s not a threat. If you go and have a conversation, have coffee with someone else, it?s not a threat, as long as you give evidence to your partner that that?s all it is. But if you play around with getting between the sheets with another person, Jim, and having sex, it?s hard to just mutually masturbate?if you want to be graphic?or self-pleasure. It?s hard to do that without looking into the other person?s eyes, which means you?re connecting psychologically too.

So I think that the basic problem that you?re having?and I?d love to get your feedback on what I?m saying?is that you?re asking your mind to accept a contradiction: that you can both have sex with many people and feel unwavering trust that you are each other?s special person. So we?ve got a minute left. Tell me what your thoughts are on that.

Well, interestingly enough, to put it plainly, casual sex?and when I say casual sex, I?ll be straightforward. We?re very casual and even sometimes anonymous. I?m not going to play around with that. That has really never been a problem. We?ve actually played together with other guys, and it has never once been a problem. The first time it has become an issue for me is because this other person is becoming more than just casual sex. They?re actually becoming friends. Okay, still having sex. So that changes it for me.

Okay, well, here is the problem. Whenever you play around with casual sex, you are dealing with intimacy. There are books for male-female partners called Not Just Friends. Whenever you play around with sex, you are dealing with intimacy. Maybe you can keep it casual with some people, but you?re always at risk of undermining your unique bond. That?s the fire you play with, with the lifestyle that you?re leading. Apart from other things too, you hear it all the time, I?m sure?the risk of AIDS and other risks.

So listen, thank you very much for your call, and I hope it gave you some food for thought to explore that ambivalence.

Very much so.

Okay. Go back and listen to this.

Yes, I will.

Yes, you will. If you hold on, I?ll talk to you after the break.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

You can?t leave yet. The doctor said it takes 48 hours to get that stuff out of your system. I wonder how long it takes to get someone you?re stuck on out of your system.

I know how you feel, Miss Kubik. You think it?s the end of the world, but it?s not. I went through exactly the same thing myself, and I was mad about it, but I knew it was hopeless, and I decided to end it all. You know when I finally shot myself? Where? Here in the knee. It was a year before I could bend the knee, but I got over the girl in three weeks. Still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids and gained 20 pounds, sends me a fruitcake every Christmas.

And we?ve all gone through those experiences where someone that we love or we value tells us that they no longer value us, and then we feel discarded, tossed away, just useless. That?s when we?re at high risk. Because if you draw the conclusion when someone breaks up with you that there?s something defective about me, that there?s something fundamentally wrong with me that I don?t know about and that this person knows about, that?s going to cause the most pain. But if you say, I know my good characteristics, and I know there are things I want to work on, and maybe they messed me up in this relationship a little bit. Maybe I can work on those and improve myself, make myself more lovable so that in the next relationship I will be even stronger and I will enjoy living with myself, whether or not I find a partner, that?s a much better outcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

One romance killer is when one or both partners are too often in a bad mood. Sometimes the causes are obvious. Often they?re hidden. Hidden issues typically center around one of two things, or both: my partner doesn?t understand me, or my partner doesn?t value me. Establishing a positive relationship environment presupposes communicating, identifying, and resolving these issues. If you can succeed in this, create and maintain a positive climate daily?not just in terms of important issues, but also in many small ways. A song from the 1950s says little things mean a lot. Small gestures, like a hug and wishing your partner a good day at work, and later asking how the day went, may seem simple, but they make both of you feel valued by the other.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.