The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

You have a date, somebody that you're so attracted to in terms of their character, but there's just something about their looks that drives you batty, and you start to feel guilty. You should love them. You should. You should feel like you should be able to just push aside the looks, but you can't. Every time you open your eyes, the looks are right there, and the thing that you don't like about them is there in your face. How do you deal with that situation?

This George is having that problem.

Good afternoon, Dr. Kenner. I am 48 years old. Recently, I have fallen in love with an incredible woman. Shelley is everything I could ask for and more?my number one. Let that set for a moment.

Now, here comes the second part. Although she's a beautiful and young-looking 54-year-old woman?six years difference between them; he's 48?some parts of her body don't fully attract me. My dilemma is that I think I should be picturing my ideal partner and not settle until I find her. The problem is I know Shelley is the ideal woman when I consider her inner beauty, but not quite when I consider the outer beauty. Yet our sex life is phenomenal. I am absolutely paralyzed by this and can't seem to be able to decide what to do or think about it. I spend so much time thinking about this. On one hand, I think I should end the relationship and pursue my ideal, but I fear I may never find someone like Shelley. On the other hand, I just want to continue with her, but fear I may wake up one day and feel I betrayed myself. Gosh, I hate having these fears.

Thank you for your advice,
George.

Okay, my guess is that my husband has a picture of the ideal woman, George?an ideal woman that doesn't quite match what I look like. Even though I'm pretty and even though I'm perky, the ideal may not have my skin. She may have younger skin. The ideal may not have an age spot on my face. Actually, that's something fixable. I actually had liquid nitrogen when my dermatologist took off that little spot with liquid nitrogen. But my husband has an ideal image of who he would like me to be, and I can't compete with that ideal. There's no way I can compete with it, because it's in his head. He can imagine it. He can imagine me being much better endowed. He can imagine me maybe having a little more weight in some places. He can imagine different eyes. He can imagine that.

I can't compete with that, except for I have one big advantage over my husband's imaginary partner.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

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He can imagine that, and I can't compete with that, except for I have one big advantage over my husband's imaginary partner: I exist. She doesn't.

So partly, you need to recognize that we all have ideal partners?images that we've grown up with from childhood. I fell in love with a lifeguard named Saul. I was a little tyke at a swimming pool. He was my ideal, and I wanted to marry someone like Saul. Does my husband look exactly like Saul? I don't even know what Saul looks like now. It's been so many years. Actually, I do know what he looks like. It's coming back with that warm smile. My husband doesn't look exactly like Saul. I love my husband, and I love my husband's looks.

So when you get to know a person, looks can matter less and less with time, or you come to love the looks of someone whose looks you didn't initially feel so attracted to. So character is fundamental. The fact that your sex life is phenomenal, the fact that you love so much about her?it puts a big question mark in my mind. You don't want to drive yourself crazy thinking that there's some imaginary woman out there, some real woman who matches your ideal.

Now I'm wondering if the age isn't a problem. A six-year age difference? a lot can happen to skin in six years. A lot can happen with facial hair around the age of 54. Women can start getting facial hair. I'm wondering if there aren't some things that are actually fixable if you have the courage to speak up very lovingly to her, like my husband did with the little brown spot on my face. It's gone.

If you're projecting forward and thinking, ?Oh my God, a six-year age difference might be a problem moving forward,? yeah, it may be. She may age faster or slower. Some people do age more slowly.

So the physical?it's not terrible that you're focused on the physical with her, because you wake up with the person you're with. That person, day in and day out. You want to like their looks. The figure skater Scott Hamilton?I never liked his looks. But when I got to know him as a skater and as a person, I loved him. And then I started just loving his looks because it was Scott. So that can change over time.

I'm wondering if there is something more?if you're focused on the physical because it's covering up other problems in the relationship. Maybe fears of commitment or communication problems. Maybe you're wanting out. Sometimes people focus on physical problems when there's really something deeper.

You can also watch the movie Cyrano de Bergerac because it's exactly the theme you're talking about.

So I would sit down with paper and pencil and write down everything you don't like about her looks and everything you love about her. And then, then wait.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

One reason why partners should communicate constantly is that partners often assume their loved one is or should be a mind reader and then become annoyed when their partner doesn't know what they're thinking or feeling. Also, conversation can be threatening. Partners sometimes believe that their loved ones won't understand what they're saying or that it will be ignored or rejected. Maybe they're afraid or embarrassed about disclosing what they want or how they feel. Giving in to fear and keeping silent will undermine their closeness and cause them to feel less visible and more distant from one another. Partners need encouragement before and during communication and positive feedback afterward.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.