The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm 17 years old and five months pregnant. Seventeen years old and five months pregnant. I've been with this guy, Gus, for a year now, but I love him so much that I can't leave, and I want the baby to have a father. In the past, Gus has choked me and hit me. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought he wouldn't do it again, but he has. He hasn't choked me in two months, but he's hit me twice. Two days ago, in an argument, my arm was bruised. He always calls me a bitch and a slut and other hurtful things to make me cry. I am very emotional at this time in my life. I'm pregnant, and he knows it. Today, out of nowhere, I was resting on the couch at his house, and he came inside from stacking firewood and yelled at me, saying I'm lazy. I never do anything. I told him I'm pregnant, and he yelled, ?Is that your excuse?? I told him I didn't want to stay the night and I was going to leave. He said, ?Leave before I get out of the shower.? I called my mom to come take me home. She saw me crying in the cold at the end of his driveway when she picked me up and told me it was wrong of him to treat me this way all the time and that I need to leave him and not answer his calls like a fool. I did answer his call, and I sent him a text saying, ?You hurt my feelings a lot, and I'm getting tired of it. I want you to stop being mean to me, but you can't.? His response was, ?Stop being a bitch, and I will stop being mean.? Help!!! I don't know what to do. I am very confused, and I need help.

Megan, you needed help a long time ago. You are in a very bad situation. Not only are you pregnant at such a young age, but you're living with a guy for over a year who has been abusive and who has gone so far not just to call you names and insult you and call you lazy, but to choke you?to choke you. That is something where you want to be able to pick up the phone and dial 911 and get legal protection from him. This is not a loving partner.

Now, I know it's very confusing. You are so young. You haven't had a lot of experience with life, and you're pregnant on top of that. Let me say a few things. You say you love him. You need to really get some therapy to work on that, because genuine love, Megan, is?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then I?ll be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband?s life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Edwin Locke and Dr. Ellen Kenner. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

To say you love him, you need to really get some therapy to work on that, because genuine love, Megan, is a response to what you value in another person?whether they?re loving and caring toward you, attentive to you. You?re pregnant. Is he bringing you food, making dinners for you, rubbing your feet at night? Or is he telling you you?re lazy and calling you names and threatening to choke you and bruising your arm? There is nothing to love in that. Nothing.

So if you feel dependent on him, that?s a very different experience. Many people in your situation feel dependent. They feel like, ?If not him, then who? Who would want me? I?m damaged goods. I?m pregnant at such a young age.? Think again, Megan. If you can get some rational counseling?not somebody who?s going to tell you that you have to sacrifice and put up with this and grin and bear it?but someone who values your mind and your life and tells you to leave this guy, that?s what you need.

You need to have a safety plan. When you?re dealing with someone who?s been abusive?and he has been abusive?you need a safety plan. So number one is you need to recognize: Do you love him, or are you afraid? Are you afraid that your child won?t have a father? What type of father would he be to your child? Do you even want a child? If you?re pregnant and it?s very painful and you?re not ready, and you have those questions but keep them hidden, you need to go to a counselor and bring them out in the open.

There are options. One of them is adoption. Another one?though it may be getting late in the game?would have been abortion, or possibly still could be, but you may not be open to that option. Certainly adoption is there.

You need a safety plan. If you Google domestic violence, even the Mayo Clinic talks about how to create a safety plan. You can call a women?s shelter or speak with your mom and see if you can live with her. I can?t believe she?s known this has been going on and hasn?t insisted that you get help.

Pack an emergency bag. You need to know where to go and when to leave. You may have to leave in the middle of the night. Make sure he doesn?t have access to your cell phone or computer. Use your computer cautiously. If he sees you looking up domestic violence information, he may become more violent.

You can talk with your doctor. If you?re seeing an OB-GYN?an obstetrician and gynecologist?speak to them right away. Tell them what type of situation you?re in. You can get counseling. You may need legal protection or a restraining order.

Safety comes first. Your happiness comes first. Your mind comes first. You are right to seek help, and I encourage you to get therapy for yourself.

Megan, for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

You do not need to personally value everything that your partner or spouse values in order to encourage action. For example, he might enjoy watching action movies and playing golf, and she might enjoy reading mystery novels and hiking. This is not a problem as long as each shows respect for the other?s values, assuming that the values are rational. Of course, if you have no values in common, the question arises: Why are you partners at all? You cannot make your partner into something he or she isn?t. You cannot make your loved one into your image. You need to find the right person for you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.