The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Cindy, you have some difficulty in a relationship, a romantic relationship? Yes, that's right, yeah. Tell me what's going on.

I met him seven years ago, okay, but we started seeing each other after he got out of rehab. He had, like, a drug addiction. Okay, he's been clean for four years, but he has an alcohol problem, and he's been in and out of rehab last year, a few times, twice, I think. Okay, right now he's in a sober house.

And your question? Are you happy in the relationship?

I was until something happened. What happened? I'm happy? Yeah. What happened, though? I saw him, like, two weeks ago, after, like, five months. I drove three hours, like, back and forth, saw him for like five minutes or something. He told me he was volunteering at an animal shelter. And he said he asked the sober house, like the manager or the person there, they cannot?he said I cannot visit him. So for five months I haven't seen him. We just text almost every day. So I went there to volunteer so at least we can see each other, right? Yes. I went on Saturday for orientation, and Monday I drove there for dog training, and then I went there Thursday. That day was when I saw him.

But how did he hurt you? You're saying something happened?

Yeah, so this is what happened. Like, I don't trust that I cannot visit him, because he was in rehab before the sober house, and I went to rehab, and then I met his social worker. Yeah, he let me visit him, actually, eventually. So what?

The trust is broken in the relationship. You have someone that you haven't been able to spend time with. I mean, you do text, I hear that, but he has an alcohol addiction. He had an alcohol addiction, right? You don't have one, right? So what are your reasons for possibly leaving him?

He was really rude to me. He said I embarrassed him. He told me he got his car back a week ago, or I wouldn't go to the animal shelter. He said he asked me not to go.

So you're going way out of your way, Cindy, to try to connect with him, and he is not reciprocating. He's pushing you away. He's rude to you. He said that you embarrass him. I would not want my husband to say that I embarrass him, you know.

But I never told anyone at the animal shelter that we know each other, you know, right?

But the trust issue is gone with you. You're mad at him, and it's sounding like you don't currently have a romantic relationship. You have a connection with somebody that you cared about, and you have very mixed feelings about it now. And so you're deciding, is this good for your long-range happiness? Will he be in and out of rehab over the years? Because even though he was clean for four years, he's in and out of rehab again, he's in a sober house, you can't see him for months on end. Is this what you want for a romantic relationship? What's in it for you?

He promised we will be together, you know, in the future. And he was living with me for a week last year, and he was drinking all the time, and eventually finished all my wine.

Do you come from an alcoholic family?

No, my parents got divorced.

Are you worried about divorcing him? But you're not married.

No.

Oh, so do you have children together?

No.

So what's keeping you with him?

I don't know. A promise he made that we will be together.

Okay, but he already broke the trust. There are such things as sometimes, if a person lies to you because they have a surprise party for you, that's not a problem. But if they lie to you and they've broken the trust, and they're rude to you, and you feel like it's a wobbly relationship, it's been up and down, and he has major psychological problems, the question is, would you be happier without him and maybe finding somebody else?

Yeah, I think you're right, but we've known each other for so long.

So what I recommend is you sitting down and figuring out what's keeping you in a relationship where you are not happy.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? When it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book, The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

So what I recommend is you sitting down and figuring out what's keeping you in a relationship where you are not happy, because sometimes it's a promise that you've made and you feel like you can't possibly leave because you'll hurt the other person, or your hopes and dreams for the future, or guilt. You know, how can I ever leave them? Or memories, good memories that you have. There are a lot of reasons that people stay in an unhappy marriage for many years, or in your case, a relationship for many years. And so you want to figure out what is it that's keeping you in an unhappy relationship?

And I can recommend a book that I've actually written with a co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke, and it's got an odd title. It's The Selfish Path to Romance, and by selfish we mean self-esteem, your self-esteem, Cindy, your self-respect. We don't mean the mean, rotten way to romance. We mean the self-valuing way to romance. And that's the whole theme of my show, self-valuing for both partners. He's obviously not doing it, and you can't control him.

In the back of our book, we have a section?you could skip right to it?How to Part Ways and Start Over If You Cease Being Soul Mates. And I'll just briefly tell you what they are. You identify the reasons you're considering leaving. You identify what's keeping you in an unhappy relationship. You put all the information together and you make a decision, which is not always easy. Then you need to break the news to your partner, and you need to figure out an action plan. How do you leave? And then you learn how to live independently again, because you have been living independently on and off because he's been in a sober house. So that might help you. You can get the first chapter free online, but that's at Amazon.com.

Well, I also want to say the physical part was good, you know.

So you're figuring out?you?re saying the sex was good?

Yes, sometimes I am happy. You know, at the end, before he went to rehab, we were good. Bad, but we were pretty good together. Like, we were happy.

So you need to do some thinking. I recommend doing it on paper, but then throwing away the paper so nobody finds it because it's private. But write down: Why am I staying with him? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks? Why am I hurting? Because you called up because you're in pain and you're trying to make a very difficult decision. Would I be happier without him? Will I miss the intimacy? Of course you will. But you may not miss the downside of what's going on, his alcohol problems.

Yeah, I saw he was in the sober house. Everything would be, you know, there was hope. And then?

Right. So it's hard to have your hope crushed. So you need to be willing to look at all the facts, look at the whole picture, and make your decision based on all of the positives and all of the negatives. You'll make a much better decision for yourself privately. So I wish you the best with that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Well, what did she say? I couldn't do it. I was about to ask the question. Then suddenly all I could think of was, what if she said no? No surprise. After all you've been through with Maris, you were just scared of another rejection.

I was more than scared. I was terrified. I can't go on like this, worshiping Daphne from afar. You know how frustrating it is to be completely in love with someone and not be able to tell her how you feel?

And that's from Frasier. Have you ever been in that situation where you are just passionate about someone? I remember having a crush in?oh my gosh, it was early high school. I had such an enormous crush on the guy who sat next to me. His name was Alan. Of course I'm going to remember his name. He was in my Spanish class, and I made collages back in the day. My whole room was covered with Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan. And I would leave him little secret notes at his home, and he knew it was from me, but he wasn't that interested in me.

So could I deal with rejection? Well, yeah, I had to deal with rejection. Alan wasn't interested in me, but he thought I was a very nice person, and that felt very good. So it's really good not to have to go the secret note route in my youthful years there, and to just not be afraid to say how you feel, because what's the worst that can happen? The person can say, I'm not interested, but you need that knowledge. Or they may say, let's just be friends. You never know whether let's just be friends can develop into something a little better and more in the direction of what you want. And even if it's just let's be friends, hey, you still have that value in your life. You still have that person. You just won't have the intimacy with them.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Another way to nourish a relationship is by spending meaningful time together, giving full attention to one another. How you spend your time together is a volitional choice. Quality time says to your partner, you're important to me. Another way to nourish your relationship is giving gifts. We do not recommend buying expensive gifts, even if affordable, except for special occasions, and especially not for the purpose of making up after an argument or for neglect or poor treatment. To fix that, you need to change a whole pattern of behavior. Small, thoughtful gifts as a symbol of your love are ideal. If you've discussed this, you'll know what type of gifts your partner values. On a special occasion, buy something that your loved one truly wants but would never buy. But usually just a card, flowers, candy, or a love note on the pillow is the perfect gift.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.