The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Rob, you have a question about dating an older woman?

Yeah. Hi, Doctor. Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

Oh, you?re welcome.

I?m in a relationship with a woman who I just adore. She?s about 16 years older than me. I?m 38. She?s 54. It?s been great. We met about two years ago and have lived together for about a year. I have found that, being a very independent woman, she?s in a place where she doesn?t really need a boyfriend, but she wanted one and sort of wished one into her life. And we got to like each other at work, and here we are.

I am someone who has had a few relationships, not all of which have been successful. Most of that has been my fault, but some of it hasn?t. It?s just been bad luck and bad choices. So I?m in a place where I?d love to continue this and make it better, but I think I?ve caused some problems in the past year that have put her in a place where she wants to reestablish things, and she wants to sort of be roommates with benefits, which is objectively okay. I mean, most men would be ecstatic to live in a wonderful house with 15 dogs, with a beautiful, established, and intelligent older woman who is?

15 dogs? Yeah, okay, regular.

And then we board them too.

Okay.

So at any point, there are between 15 and 25 dogs running around.

Holy mackerel. Okay.

Which is great. I love it. It?s just been fantastic.

So the situation is that you feel very connected to her, and you want to keep that connection, but you feel like you made a misstep someplace. You caused some problems, you said, and now she wants to change the nature of the relationship to roommates with benefits.

That?s how she initially pitched it when we were talking about moving in together. She said she needed a second pair of hands around the house, and she was kind of lonely. I was in a relationship that was ending. Again, we worked together for a year, and we really got along with each other and liked each other.

I definitely was not able to deal with some of the?I guess I was just going through some things in my own life and didn?t handle some things very well. I was unhappy with what I was doing for work. The cut of it is that she?s at a point where she?s very independent. She?s been married before. I guess I?m looking for a level of daily connection, daily check-in, that she?s not naturally inclined to give, having lived alone for the previous 10 years.

So you connect on a lot of levels. You feel emotionally close to one another, emotionally intimate, and yet you?re saying she?s so used to being an independent woman and being out there on her own. She?s 54 years old. She has a career. As you said, you work together. I?m assuming it?s a career. So she doesn?t need the same amount. You?re mismatched in terms of the amount of private time you need versus togetherness time. That?s part of it. What?s another part? What?s the deeper part?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

The amount of private time you need versus togetherness time?that?s part of it. What?s another part? What?s the deeper part?

It?s kind of hard to know. I guess it?s a point where, as a man, I have to make peace with the fact that it?s not going to be exactly the way I want it. What it boils down to is I have to be able to control my disappointment in the moment and not let a momentary disappointment and maybe momentary insecurity lead to an argument.

Okay, so you?re saying it?s led to some arguments that have nicked the relationship a little bit.

It has, and I pushed it. She?s not someone who is naturally inclined to engage in negative emotions. She?ll avoid them rather than engage in them. In my previous relationship, I got really good at arguing, so I guess I carried that energy and that enthusiasm for argument and conflict into this relationship, which is just a bad match.

Okay. So basically, you need something different than arguing, because once you put your stake in the sands, it?s hard to pull it out. I wrote a book on romance with Dr. Locke, and we do talk about conflict resolution in the book. There?s a whole section on that. A couple of things that come from the Gottmans?they?re very well known?they say instead of criticism, and I don?t know if you use criticism with her, some put-downs or something.

There is criticism. Initially it started with?she?s very conscientious and very detail-oriented and also had a system for a decade that has worked for her. So bringing someone new into her daily life has been difficult. The way she managed some of that communication was through criticism of the techniques that I would use to get through my day and to get things done.

So she?s criticizing you. Do you criticize her back?

I took it very personally. Instead of criticizing the mechanics of getting through the day?the systems that a person puts in place?I would criticize her personally. I can?t take any of it back, right?

So there?s another way. The Gottmans recommend that instead of criticism, you use a gentle startup. ?I?m concerned about this. I hear you saying this. I see things a bit differently. Would you be willing to talk about this?? Something like that. That?s really hard to do on the fly when you?re used to saying, ?Why the heck did you do that?? We?re so used to doing what we did with our siblings or with our parents that it?s hard to use a gentle startup. But if you train yourself and you get it one out of every 100 times, at least you?re moving in the right direction.

The other thing I heard in you that?s very good is that we all have our defenses. We all can feel insecure at times and become defensive. But you?re honest and you take responsibility. The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility. ?I noticed myself getting upset, and I lost it with you, and I apologize. I wish I hadn?t done that. I wish I had said it this way.? So you?re repairing yourself fundamentally, and it also will help with her.

You?ve been helping me. I?ve been doing a lot of repairing and a lot of self-reflection this year, and a lot of it?s been with her encouragement. Again, she?s an extraordinarily positive and lovely person and has gone through development on herself. It was hard won.

Okay. So it sounds like you do have a nice connection. You just need to see if it will work. I wish you the best, and I wish we had more time.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Hey, Frasier.

Hi, Dad. Look, I?ve got some bad news. I guess there isn?t a good way to tell you something like this. Your god-uncle died.

My god-uncle? There?s no such thing as a god-uncle.

Yes, there is. It?s your godfather?s brother. You remember your god-uncle, Charlie?

I barely even remember my godfather. He died 20 years ago.

Oh, yeah. Well, now his brother?s dead too. So shake a leg. The wake?s in 20 minutes.

You know, as much as I?d like to pay my respects, catch up with my god-cousins, and meet the god-neighbors, I have some urgent business that just can?t wait until later.

All right. One hour. Don?t even know why I?m going.

Don?t you love Frasier? That?s Frasier with his dad, Martin. Have you ever been forced to pretend that you like somebody and you were mourning them because you lost them? Or even more broadly, have you ever been forced to fake your own feelings just to please others? In this case, Frasier pleasing Martin?

I?ll give you one case of a relative who went to the funeral of somebody who died. The person who died was rotten to his own family. He was rotten to his kids. He was rotten to his wife. Before this relative spoke?he was asked to speak by the children, because they didn?t want to speak for their own dad?there were all these tributes saying this was a man of the community. I?ll call him JoJo. JoJo was so good to his community. He was so giving.

Then the relative got up and said, ?If only he had been that good to his own wife and children, how wonderful that would have been.? That honesty is so rare and so refreshing, and it was so good for the children to hear.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

Before giving a surprise, make sure your partner likes surprises, including the type you plan to give. Linda was upset for weeks because her husband sent a male stripper to her place of work for her birthday. Beyond feeling humiliated in front of her coworkers, she hated the idea of a male stripper. Her husband, Martin, didn?t understand why she was so upset when he was only trying to give her a nice surprise. The clueless husband had not bothered to find out what his wife would actually value as a present.

Working to understand your partner is well worth the effort. To help your partner better understand you, you first need to understand yourself. If you don?t know what you want and value, it makes it much harder for your partner to understand you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.