The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Irene, yes, welcome to the show.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm, like you said, my name is Irene, and I'm in a situation that I? like I was telling the young gentleman earlier. I have a 21-year-old daughter, a 22-year-old son, a husband, and a home.

Okay, of course.

But I'm in a situation that, since my husband retired ? or even prior to that, six years earlier, seven years earlier ? he does not cooperate with anything around the house. He does not cooperate for anything.

Give me one example that irks the heck out of you.

Oh, you know what? I'm calling you, actually this morning, because I've got water leaks processed in all the bathrooms, yeah, outside, front yard, backyard ? everywhere, water leaking.

Yes.

And then I asked, I simply asked him ? Tessa, I got my brother to come and help me do the plumbing. Of course, plumbing is expensive.

Yeah.

So I asked him, ?Have you seen? have you noticed if the backyard towards the very far end is leaking?? And an answer that irritates me is that he snapped.

What does he say?

?Well, aren?t you here? Haven't you gone to the backyard? Don't you see what's leaking?? He puts everything on me. He sits here all day, since he retired.

Yeah.

He sits here at the house all day, sitting in my son?s bedroom, watching television all day.

Yeah.

In my bedroom ? because we're no longer together since we've had so many problems.

Yeah.

In his bedroom. I'm in my bedroom, my daughter in hers, and my son in his.

Yeah. How old is he?

He is 63? 63.

But very healthy, very strong?

Healthy and strong.

What does he do for hobbies besides watch TV?

Drink beer and liquor.

Okay. He's an alcoholic.

I would think so.

Okay. What keeps you with?

?himself? Me, myself, has judged and judged him to be like that. Because I would?

How much does he drink?

Well, when I get home, I see at least about a dozen cans of beer.

A dozen cans of beer?

And I get up ? I'm sick, I'm on the verge of leukemia. I have a blood problem, okay? And I get up, and I drag myself to work still.

Okay.

My daughter drags herself to work and study, goes to college.

What do you do?

I work in an office. I'm an office clerk.

Okay, do you have a good friend in the office?

Actually, no, because I think that my problem here at the house shows on me at work.

How so?

It seems like? it seems like when I snap at some of the girls at the office also, when they ask questions about something that they should know ? they've been there for such a long period of time, also.

And I think that my?

So it spills over. You're frustrated.

His problem is reflecting on me.

Okay. What keeps you in the marriage?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick Ave, and then Alan will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband?s life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints. But you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

What keeps you in the marriage?

The leukemia ? at the beginning, no, at the beginning what kept me in the marriage was that my sister had gotten divorced, and her children always threw this thing back at her like, ?Oh, you left my dad because you want to go around running around looking for a husband. We don't want a new dad.?

And how old were her kids when she divorced?

They were about 13, 14.

And how old are your kids? 21 and 22?

My kids are old now. And I was thinking of maybe? is he too old, or am I too old to get a divorce?

Oh, do you know that there are articles?

? and to lose anything that we have accomplished. Because actually, his answer today was, ?Well, if you don't want to fix the leaks, if you don't want to fix this, what are you going to do if you don't want to do anything around the house? Well then? get out.?

Okay. He wants a free ride in life. What did he do for a living?

He used to work at a company manufacturing appliances.

And what? was he in like a corporate?was he? did he use his brain a lot, or was he somebody who was a gopher and he was a day laborer?

He was a worker, just a worker. And the company was dumped out to another state.

Okay. But he? but was he a hard worker? Was he a good worker?

Work.

Did he love his work?

Yes, he did.

Okay, one of the problems ? but you said this started before he left work too. So I'm hearing at least two major problems. One is his alcoholism, which is maybe his way of drowning the fact that he's let his mind corrode. He's not functioning. He's not building any self-respect. And therefore he's hateful of himself, and it sounds like he's reflecting it out on you ? and then you bring it into work. So it's like this domino effect.

And it's not just on me. It's on my son and my daughter.

Oh, he does it with them too?

Well? because why? yeah. I feel that ? it's to say, because when you hear your? when you hear one of your children say, ?Oh, I hate? I hate my, you know? my father.?

Okay, well that's wonderful in a sense, because they're recognizing reality. How can you love someone who hates themselves? If they hate themselves and they've made themselves into a bad character, they're drinking, they're throwing their ? what could have been a wonderful life ? away. He could have made the most of retirement. He's not. He's just watching TV and basically stagnating. There's a stench in that room, the alcohol stench.

What I recommend is you asking yourself the question ? you can't change him. I would get therapy for yourself ? supportive therapy. And I would ask yourself what will make you happy long-range. And if it's living without him, make sure you can do it financially. Maybe you can find a darling little apartment.

I've worked with women who had been married for many decades, and I've just seen them so much happier on their own. There's a transition period that's sticky, but your kids will be supportive of you, because it's not like your sister ? your kids are on your side, right? And you'll be better to the people at work. You can even tell the people at work what's going on. They'll be more empathetic, and maybe you'll soften up there and make your life a little better.

So Irene, thank you so much for your call. I wish we had more time; we're right up against the break.

Okay.

I really appreciate your help here.

Okay, hope that helps. Give me a call back. Let me know how it turns out for you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

This last week with Dad, it's been a living hell. When I'm there, I feel like my territory is being violated. When I'm not, I'm worried about what he's up to. I'm a nervous wreck.

You don't still have the brochures from those rest homes, do you?

But do you really think that's necessary?

I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore.

You don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could?

Dear God, no!

Okay, that's from Frasier. And so many people that I work with now are in that situation where they've got elderly parents moving back in with them or living with them anyway, or in an in-law apartment attached to the house, and they constantly are shuttling them around, taking them to doctors, taking them to the church social, taking them everywhere you can imagine.

And the parents ? the sandwich generation ? the? actually not the parents, the kids of these parents, the adult kids, just feel like they have no life anymore. And of course that's what Frasier's dealing with. And typically it doesn't end up like with Frasier. Typically resentment spills between the adult child and the parent, and it comes out in screaming at one another or passive-aggressive actions. The parent feels like a burden if they're a good parent, and they feel ? if they're an envious parent that just feels the child owes them this ? then it becomes a nightmare, and the child can't disentangle himself or herself from this.

So what's the solution? Well, you pawn it off on your younger sibling or your older brother or your? you know, somebody else in the family. That's not a solution. That's just passing the buck.

I think the most respectful thing in this situation is to seriously look into assisted living, if you're in the price category where you can afford it, because it preserves the dignity of the aging parent and yourself, and you each have your privacy. It's just a much healthier solution. You may feel differently, but that's the route that we went with my mother-in-law, and it gave her a lot of privacy, and it worked out very well.

Of course, if you have a loving parent and you've got young kids and the parent wants to babysit for the kids, and it's a win-win situation, that's a whole different category.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

A partner to avoid is someone who tries to fake their self-esteem by using defensive actions. A prime example is the chronic use of alcohol and drugs to reduce anxiety. Getting high temporarily blurs the pain and may even yield the illusion of pleasure, but such jolts lack the quality of pleasure based on actual achievement and do not lead to action that would remove the real cause of the pain.

Another example of defensive action is lashing out physically in order to exert power over those who threaten your fake self-esteem. Social withdrawal in order to escape the anxiety of dealing with other people is another defensive action; withdrawing into a shell simply reinforces your feelings of inadequacy.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.