The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com.

Amanda, you're having some problems.

Yes.

Yeah, tell us, ma'am.

I am. Yeah.

What's going on?

Okay, well, I'm dating my ex-husband. He left me a year and a half ago, or almost two years ago. We got divorced, and he said that he wasn't in love with me anymore. You know, he just became real cold and distant. He became cold in my life. He became cold and distant.

Okay.

And then he came back four months later, and he tried very hard to get me back. He cried. He sent me flowers. He always made sure I had flowers when the old ones died. He played with my kids. You know, everything was picture perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Yeah.

Well, he had a very, very rough childhood. His grandmother wouldn't let him get up and play with all the other kids. He just had to sit down on the couch. He and his sister were in a really bad car accident when he was 15, and he blamed himself for that car accident because they were arguing. His brother died when we were married, and he blamed himself for the death.

What did his brother die of?

He died in a really bad car accident.

And was he driving?

Yeah.

Okay. He was only 15?

Okay.

He was 15 years old. Yes.

Oh, the brother. The brother was 15?

Okay.

He blamed himself for that death because he said if he would have never moved away from his dad's house, then his brother wouldn't have been bouncing from hometown to hometown, and he would have had a stable environment. His brother looked up to him, okay? And he's never talked about it. He would cry to me a little bit, but that was all before the divorce. Now, you know, I can't get him to open up. He doesn't talk. He doesn't have any friends to hang out with. He thinks life is boring. He goes to work and comes home. He'll play his PlayStation. He says when he plays his PlayStation that it feels like he's accomplishing something.

Okay, so he's escaping?

Yeah.

Meaning he's running away from facts. What are you going through, then? You've let him back. This was a man who divorced you, right? Or he left you because he became cold and distant, and that was a year and a half ago. And then he came back into your life four months after that, which was how long ago?

About a year ago.

He came back into your life, and he begged and he courted you again, sending you flowers and playing with your kids. How old are your kids?

They're 12 and nine.

Okay. They're not his kids, right?

No, no, but he's decent with them.

And now he's back in, but it's like you don't have him there. The man who was so expressive, who shared his inner life with you, has disappeared. You're back together, but for you it's very lonely, because you're alone in a relationship. I'm assuming you didn't remarry, right?

No, but basically we had talked about getting remarried when we first got back together. But now he says that he wants to wait until I finish school, because I'm in nursing school, and he wants to see how the relationship goes. But the other night we got into a fight, and I told him to leave. And he stayed gone for maybe 45 minutes. He took off walking, and then he came back, and we talked. And that's when I found out that he feels empty inside, and all he feels is anger. He told me that he wanted to punch something until it either broke or he started to bleed, because he likes the sight of his own blood, because that's how he releases his stress.

Has he— that's called self-mutilating if he does something to himself to bleed. Has he done that before?

Not that I know of. I mean, he gets hurt a lot at work.

And you think it's actually intentional? What does he do for a career?

He is a technician for a healthcare facility here. He fixes power chairs and wheelchairs and sets up oxygen and stuff for those who need it.

Okay.

So here's the picture that I'm getting. And again, we don't have the advantage of him verifying this, so we're just piecing the picture together as you're saying it. He went through a very rough childhood, very traumatic. So he can play with your kids, but he himself had to sit on a couch. His grandmother forced him to sit on a couch. He has a lot of guilt that he carries and buries away. He plays PlayStation instead of trying to figure out: Did he cause the car accident by arguing? Did he cause the death of his brother by moving away and abandoning his brother? And his brother was moved from home to home. He's carrying around a ton of unresolved guilt, from the way you're describing him. And a lot of times when people damn themselves, they don't know what to do with that. And instead of resolving it, they escape into alcohol or gambling or sexual escapades. Or in this case, it may be playing video games, right? PlayStation. And it gives them a sense of relief, but it's not long-lasting relief, because it's only temporary. The minute the game's over, the minute you finish the drink and the alcohol wears off, you're back to the same situation.

So now let's shift to you.

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

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So now let's shift to you. You, Amanda, are in a situation where here's this guy who has courted you. You've hung by him even though he divorced you and was cold and distant. Is this what you want for your romantic relationship moving forward? He may have some pieces of it, but is this the partner that you want for life? You don't have to win, okay? If it's the case that you don't want him, it is not your responsibility to make another person's psychology your lifetime project. Now, if it's your child, that's a little different. You work with them to a certain age. But if it's another person, an independent person who's already dumped you and is psychologically dumping you at times, don't look at it only from his view. I mean, it's good to look at it from his viewpoint to make sense of things. But the ultimate judge is you—your happiness, your long-range, enduring happiness. Do you have a good shot of achieving that with this particular man as a partner?

No, not if he doesn't get help.

Okay, so already you're clearing the fog. I love the—can you hear the smile or the little laughter in your voice?

Yeah.

It's not a mocking laughter. It's a recognition that you got the right question to ask yourself, the right perspective, and now your mind is connecting the dots better. What would be the next step for you to take? If you want to leave him or let him know, what would be the next step for you to take?

I just have to make the decision to get him out so I can move forward and be successful with my life and my children.

Yeah. Now, you could get counseling for yourself. You need to prepare your children, because they've had him bouncing in and out of their lives. But if you could get some help for yourself, you could go to a cognitive therapist, which I would recommend. You could go to the website AcademyofCT.org for Cognitive Therapy and find a therapist in your neck of the woods so you can get the help for yourself. But your happiness matters.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Even though you may already understand a lot about your partner, knowing him or her is a continuous learning process that takes years. Here are some aspects of your partner you'll want to find out about. What are your partner's intellectual interests? What does your partner like to discuss, learn, read, and think about? What hobbies and sports does your partner enjoy, and why? What types of art or recreational pursuits does your partner like, and why? Asking why helps you and your partner define some of your core values. What are your partner's favorite and least favorite foods and drinks? What is your partner's personal style? Do you know his or her favorite color, style of clothing, and decorating preferences?

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.