The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

Gina, welcome to the show.
Hi, thank you.
And tell me your situation and your question.
Well, basically, I had an issue with my boyfriend still being best friends with—

Your boyfriend is best friends with whom? With an ex-girlfriend?
Oh, okay, with an ex, okay.
The ex-girlfriend, yes, that he dated. He actually has known her for over 12 years, and they were friends before they dated. And he dated her for six years. Broke up a year and a half ago now, and I started seeing him five months ago and discovered a couple months into the relationship that the dynamics of the relationship were what I perceived to be as very unhealthy.
Okay, give me one visual—one of the ones that pained you most.
Well, what was happening was I discovered that she called him every day and was also inviting him to spend time together with just her, and they have alone time together and wasn’t factoring me into the friendship—even after she discovered that I was upset over it and feeling insecure and jealous over it.
Okay, you're how old?
I am 31.
31. And your boyfriend is in the same ballpark?
Yeah.
Okay. Have you been married before? Any kids?
None.
So this is a first romance for you—or I’m sure it’s not a first if you’re in your 30s—
Serious. The first real serious relationship. Like, first relationship where I really felt like I really, truly connected and could actually—actually felt like I was meant for this person. It’s—yeah, just to feel like he’s perfect in every way, and then to find out that this is one major imperfection.
Okay, but he’s deceiving you. What did he tell you about the relationship?
He’s always been honest from the beginning of the relationship, and he said what he did, but early on in the relationship, when I discovered he was still friends with the ex, we did discuss the history. He was very open and honest that they were still friends. I just didn’t realize the extent of it. I didn’t realize the dynamics. I thought when he said he was still friends, it was, you know, talking every so often, you know, eventually I’d meet her, you know, in the same circles.
But this is an intimate friendship. I mean, not only have they been intimate because they dated for six years and they were friends before that, but if I was seeing a guy—I’ve been happily married for over—I forget how many years, I’m on the spot here—and if I was seeing a guy on the side that used to be an old friend and telling him what’s going on in my life, telling him about my day, what I did, then who am I not telling that to? Or who am I less likely to tell that to?
Right.
Your partner. An intimate relationship has an exclusivity around it. Now, whether or not he’s having sex with her—I mean, that’s another big question mark, isn’t it?
That’s the thing. I don’t question that. My issue is more with trusting her and his perception of her. You know, his friends and family felt that she was toxic, feel that she’s keeping him on the back burner. And though she’s been with somebody for a year now—someone else—I still tend to believe what everyone else thinks of her and feel like he’s blinded to it. Like he sees—
What’s toxic? Yeah, what’s toxic about her, Gina—
Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.
Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.
Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where’s that ad I saw?
Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook.
Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.
Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting. Yeah.

What’s toxic about her, Gina?
They feel that she only calls him when she needs him, is only calling him, you know, because she is keeping him on the back burner, is using him, manipulating him, and after her actions—after I spoke to her on the phone, after he’s expressed to her how I felt—and she still didn’t make an effort to include me and factor me into their friendship, I tend to believe that she is selfish and—
Well, she’s selfish—
Working out for him. Not really being a true best friend to him. You know, it’s hard to believe she’s really his best friend if she didn’t care to meet me and didn’t want—
Okay. And there’s always sexual tension. You know, they dated before. They know each other intimately.
And he says—
That part of the relationship is dead, and that the love and care that he has for her is out of friendship now.
It sounds like he needs to make a decision though, because—
That’s where I’m at.
Yeah. It’s in his hands. And I know we can blame her. We can call her toxic. But he’s not passive in this situation, and he needs to make a decision. How much of a value are you to him? Is he keeping her on the back burner in case things don’t work out with you because you have a relatively new relationship? Well, if he’s doing that, then he’ll have a split focus and he won’t be able to invest himself fully in the relationship with you.
Well, he tries to tell me that he is working on distancing himself and that he just wants a few months—you know, telling me now that he’d like a few months to eventually be able to cut her out of his life for us. But I feel like so much damage has been done, and I feel so resentful towards him and feel—
Yeah, notice it’s towards him now. That’s proper. It’s not towards her. I mean, she can be the best person or the worst person. He’s the one that’s in charge. Nobody can force him to have a relationship.
But why do I want so much for him to see her as negative as well? Why do I feel this need for him to say, “You know what? Yeah, she was wrong.”
He’s going to have a very different kind—yeah, he’s got many different memories. I don’t know what she served, what she provided in his life that makes him still keep her on the back burner, you know—still admit it.
On some level, he did like, that’s all he knew. I mean, I told him, I feel like she’s an addiction on some level to you, and that you couldn’t let go of that. He admitted that he really hadn’t started moving on until I came into his life. And at the same time, that makes me feel good. He feels like I’m the only one that he wants to call when he wakes up in the morning and call before he goes to bed at night.
Okay.
But every day with me is not enough because I feel like she’s still there. He wants to still be a comfort to her and be—
Okay. I’ve worked with men who’ve had like three different women going at once, and they just couldn’t make a commitment to anyone, and they had to make sure they were loved by someone, and there had to be a backup. This may not be the case with him. It may be that he’s still severing ties with her emotionally. But if you just—if you—
I’m sorry.
If you just let him go on like this, you’ll never get anywhere, and you won’t be serving your needs. So if you tell him, “Listen, you’ve got it—it’s totally in your ballpark. If you want me, I want an exclusive relationship. If it’s going to take a few months, let’s break it off for a while while you make that—
Solid.
—I tried that, but he feels like I’m now turning my back on him and cutting myself—
Don’t look at it—no, don’t look at it through his perspective. Say, “This is important enough to me. I so want the relationship with you. I don’t want it on these terms, and I don’t want to start off our relationship this way. It seems like you’ve got some unfinished business with her. Take the opportunity. See if she’s good for you. If you do want to stay with her, fine. If you want to—
I did tell him that. I said, “If there’s real friendship there, and it can be just really friendship and nothing more—”
You know, but I don’t think that’s possible. As much as I would like to say that that’s the case, given the dynamics and the toxicity that you talk about, I feel like—I’m not toxic.
Yeah. You know what? We’re right at the end. I wish we had more time to talk about this. You need to be true to yourself and decide what—under what conditions would you be willing to stay with him. And I wish you a lot of success. There are other men—as painful—I know you’ve searched long and hard for more.

Dr. Kenner podcast—go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories and goal setting:

What if, as is often the case, you learn that you and your partner do not like exactly the same methods or techniques of intimacy? This is a common situation. Consider occasionally stepping out of your comfort zone and try experimenting with things your partner likes. There is great selfish pleasure in giving pleasure because you treasure your partner. But if you strongly dislike some activity, your partner needs to fully respect your right to say no. Finding different ways to give one another pleasure is an exciting part of your relationship, and when the relationship is trusting and passionate, partners are usually more willing to experiment.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.