The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. To make a long, depressing story short, I met this guy two and a half years ago when I was about 17. Everything was okay at first, until the first time he hit me and I went back to him. So, notice your own choice-making there. What did you say to yourself that made you go back to him?

This is from Lisa. After that, we continued to be on and off for about two years. He would threaten my life, my family life, and he’s kidnapped me before, out of my parents' home. I had lived with him at one time, and within three months, he destroyed my whole apartment. In one word, he was abusive—mentally, physically, verbally, financially, and emotionally. For two years, I still loved him.

Now, I notice when people use past tense, notice you say "loved him." I still loved him. I have been through so much with him. Now, when people usually say, "You know, we’ve been through so much together," you think, "Oh, parents have died," or "You’ve struggled through college," but he’s been the cause of your problem. So you’ve been through so much with him because he’s the problem.

Okay, let’s continue here with Lisa’s email. He has choked, spit, punched, pushed, kicked, tied up, and even thrown me in the trunk of my own car before. He is bipolar, and he drinks. No excuse for his behavior. I don’t let people get off on the bipolar excuse. There is a book by Corey Newman, Bipolar Disorder: A Cognitive Therapy Approach, that I highly recommend for his therapists if they don’t use it already.

Actually, let’s continue, because he does not have the luxury to just go down the street and go to a therapist, because guess where he is right now. He has been in jail now for the past six months. The day he left, I found the spiritual strength to leave him and to look at the whole picture—not just the sunny side.

Help me understand what the sunny side was. Maybe the sunny side was the kidnapping. "You always hurt the one you love," I guess. So that’s my husband. I am still processing. Is something wrong with me? If I still miss and love him after six months, I don’t want to be abused. But why do I think about him every day?

Lisa, Lisa, what you need is some heavy-duty introspection and some therapy. ASAP. You need the self-understanding. You need to do the introspective work to find out why you went back to him, even the first time after he hit you, let alone all the other things he’s done to you.

So, you want to look at: Did you have a history of abuse in your family? Maybe when you were being abused by dad or mom, that was the only time you were getting attention. So this is a very familiar pattern for you. Is it that he was your first love? He was 17 years old, and it was just so painful to have this happen to you, and he came on so hot and heavy, and then turned negative but would periodically punctuate it with the hot and heavy that totally you—you mangled your own mind. You couldn’t see straight to the fact that you need to judge a person by their rationality, not by the fact that they occasionally are nice to you. Criminals can often be very charismatic. So you need to look at the principles. Is he rational or not?

Imagine this.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So you need to look at the principles there. Is he rational or not? Imagine this: Can you imagine a prisoner of war being released, or people from Nazi concentration camps being released, and then wanting to go back for more abuse? Now, if they were psychologically very, very damaged, there may be some outliers who would do this, but most people would hate the Nazis for life. Hate that whole ideology and embrace America, embrace individual rights, and embrace their own life and work to achieve their own happiness.

So notice this is not an optional moral issue. This is not optional. He is very, very abusive, and you want to set your own moral compass—your deepest ideas, your deepest premises about yourself, other people, and the world—to be passionate about achieving your own happiness. That’s what my show is about: the rational basis of happiness, not the rational basis of being a masochist. You don’t want to be a masochist for life.

Self-understanding is a must. So give yourself the benefit of professional help. You can go to the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, AcademyofCT.org, and see if there are any therapists in your neighborhood.

The premises you might need to challenge—I’ll name a few of them. Premises just means the ideas you hold deep down about yourself. You may be thinking, "I’m not worthy, therefore I should stay with this brute. I will settle for any attention." Or you may be thinking, "I’m bad and deserve the punishment." Or, "I can change him; if I change him, then I’m a good person." Or, "He makes life thrilling." Yes, it may be very exciting to be with someone who throws you in the trunk, but that’s like horror movie excitement. Get into adventurous, heroic excitement.

You may be thinking, "He would be sunny all the time if only I were a better person or could change him." That’s the typical abuse mentality from the victim. You might be thinking, "He’s got an illness—bipolar or alcohol. He’s a troubled person, and so I’ve got to be empathic and understanding of him." He’s got free will, volition, like all of us. It’s not his fault? You may be thinking, "Yes, he does face alternatives. He can focus. He can get the will to change. He can get professional help."

You may be thinking, "No one will ever love me if I let him go. I’ll be lonely for life." Think again. Make yourself lovable. You may be thinking, "I’m not capable of caring for myself. I need to depend on someone," or "I feel fundamentally guilty." You may have the Catholic sin view of the world, and therefore this is your cross to bear with this awful guy. Get rid of that. Get rid of the Catholicism.

You may have a misplaced autonomy. Your parents may hate him because they see the damage he’s doing to you, and you’re saying, "But I’m my own person, and I’ll date whoever I want." So, I throw out a lot of possibilities. You need the therapy, the private time to introspect and to see what’s going on inside of you. And you may have some of your own identity issues. Who are you? What do you love in life? You may need to discover who you are, what you love, and your values.

Notice the importance in this example of judging others. It’s not "Don’t judge and you won’t be judged," but rather, "Judge and prepare to be judged." Judge rationally, not from insecurity, but you need to judge other people rationally and act on that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this that.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories on goal setting.

Your ability to value romance can be helped if you have a rational relationship with your family. Know which relatives you would choose as friends, regardless of family ties, and make time to enjoy the pleasure of their company. They are gems. Limit your time with family members you don’t enjoy. Don’t fake a love you don’t feel for abusive relatives. Doing so would be unjust, and you would be devaluing yourself. There is no duty in life to re-traumatize yourself by pretending that an unloving or cruel family member was otherwise. Don’t toss away precious hours you could enjoy with those dear to you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.