The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

I have a question about my boyfriend's relationship with his ex-wife. My question is, what are the appropriate boundaries he should have with his ex-wife? He's claiming that he and she are good friends, and he spends time with her. I live in New York. She, the ex-wife, lives in California. He goes to visit his daughter, but stays, you know, with her family, and they go out to eat and do all these activities together. And, you know, as the girlfriend of a boyfriend who spends a lot of time with his ex-wife and so forth, what should I reasonably expect?

Okay, so you're judging the integrity of your boyfriend, and you've got a problem with the fact that he's still connected with his ex and his kids, which he should be connected with his kids. However, it's not like his wife and his kids are in New York. So, you can get to go to these events and spend time with his daughter, and you can get integrated into the family you're making. Because you live in New York City and he travels alone to these events, you feel like you're on the outside—and you are.

So, what's going on when he's with her? Well, it completely depends on his integrity and his honesty with you. If he's sleeping with her, if he's playing family life again with her, if she's not married and pursuing her own life, then you may have some warranted concerns. If he's not, if he's just visiting with his daughter, and in no way in the world would he ever want to get back together with his ex, then your concerns are unwarranted.

But what needs to happen is that you need some evidence that would set your mind at ease. You need to raise the question in your mind and talk with him about it, and if he just shuts you down and tells you you're ridiculous for thinking this, then he's not being fair to you. Because you need facts. You don't need to just be told you're ridiculous. So you need to know what's actually going on when he's out there.

Also, you want to make a decision: do you want this type of lifestyle if you marry this man? It may not fit your needs. You may not want to marry someone who's got this baggage, who's flying across the country and possibly being very good friends with his ex-wife. If you don't want that, then that's a relationship breaker, and you have every right to, even if he has love and qualities, break off the relationship. Because this is not the type of soulmate that you want.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

Genuine love is neither self-sacrificial nor narcissistic, but rationally egoistic. This is true in three respects. Number one, being egoistic means that you have an ego, a self, that you are secure in your own person, that you have a firm sense of your own identity and pursue your own values.

Two, it means that your partner is enormously important to you personally.

Three, being rational means that you don't demand, even in trade, what is unfair or unreasonable, for example, that your partner give up a passionately loved career for your sake.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.