The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here is a question I received from Cassie, and this brought me back to my own dating, very early dating years.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm overanalyzing and obsessing about Joe. I don't obsess when it comes to other important things in my life, like my future or my family. I know that it always works out. I don't have that attitude toward dating. It's been a major weakness and problem in my life.

I've been seeing Joe for a month, and he has all the qualities I'm looking for. He takes me on this romantic date. He holds my hand and kisses me. I was in a daze for days, then he started to back away. I saw him at an event and asked him directly, "Hey, are we just friends, or is there something more going on here since we kissed? I want you to be upfront and tell me how you feel."

He paused and said, "That's a good question. How do you feel?"

And I said, "I like you, and I see this going somewhere."

And he answered, "I like you too, but I'm in a weird place right now. I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I'm not ready for a relationship."

He had been with his girlfriend for two years and wanted to marry her. She dumped him and is dating someone else, and he's pretty heartbroken.

I asked, "Well, do you see us going somewhere in the future?" And he said, "Yeah. Eventually."

I then get a text from him saying that he should never have kissed me, and he apologized for leading me on. Then I don't hear from him.

My problem is I want answers. I want things to happen now. I have no patience when it comes to guys. I want to be calm and wise about it all, but it's so difficult. I like him so much, and I want things to work out. What should I do? I need advice.

Cassie.

Cassie, you just brought me back to my early years, my early dating years, and you know so much you just, you're you've got that feeling, "Oh God, I'm really have a crush on this guy. I really like him. I'm infatuated with him. He's everything that I ever wanted."

Of course, how can you know that? You're just meeting him, but you feel that way, and you want that chance. And here's the bottom line: you cannot force his mind. It will backfire. The more you put pressure on him, the more he's going to resent you and say, "Phew, I'm glad I got rid of her."

And when I said I brought it back to my early dating years, I think I was in 10th grade, and I had this,

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

And when I said I brought it back to my early dating years, I think I was in 10th grade, and I had this amazing, wonderful, delicious crush on a guy who sat next to me in my Spanish class.

Next subject— that happens to be my husband.

And so I went home and I covered my whole bulletin board with his name. I mean his first name, his last name, you name it; I cut it out with collages. Were popular in the day.

I then went another step. I sent him secret pal letters in the mail, and he knew it was from me. And he told, you know how they speak through your girlfriend of mine and whatnot, that he liked me and that he's not interested in dating me, at least not at that point.

And so what do I do? He never dated me. He never asked me out. I just had this crush for the longest time. Now, do I regret the crush? No, I love the crush, but I could have moved on earlier if I knew there was absolutely no opportunity.

So with Joe. Joe did give you an answer, and you know, it's not the one that you want. It wouldn't mind the guy that I had a crush on. He didn't give me the answer I wanted, either.

But I need to act on those facts, and the same for you right now. He's telling you it's not a good time to start a relationship, and he's not connecting with you. He's shut down.

So he's hurting. He needs time to process a two-year relationship. You know, he was dumped. The woman he wanted to marry went off with another guy. He's not ready yet, and so you don't want him on the rebound.

So your whole problem of obsessing is only a problem because you want to pretend that reality isn't what it is. You want to be able to force his mind. When you can grasp that you can't do that, it'll be much gentler on yourself and easier for him.

He could turn around. Joe could turn around and decide that you know what? You're a sweet girl, and he is kind of mending from the injury from the betrayal and the hurt of being dumped, and he would like to date you.

But how long will that take, Cassie? It could take weeks. It could take months. It could take years. It might be never. Maybe he only wants you as a friend. If you're demanding a yes or a no, you're going to be your own worst enemy.

So what I would recommend is learning the skill in dating of thinking longer-range and currently giving yourself permission to act on your current knowledge, which is giving yourself permission to date other people to move on.

Also, I want to recognize that you do have a strength. You are direct. You went right up to him. You didn't just guess, "Are we?" You just went up to him and said, "Hey, are we friends, or is there something more going on here? We did kiss. Now, give me a little more information."

So you want to keep the good aspect of that because it's very refreshing to hear, rather than people hinting or beating around the bush or expecting someone else to read their mind. That's not good communication.

You could learn even more assertiveness skills, if you'd like that, but it sounds like you've got some good ones to begin with.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Look, I hate to cut this short, but I told some guys I'd meet them down at Dukes.

You're leaving?

Yeah, whenever you're ready, I'll walk you out.

Dad, I haven't seen you in two years.

I stopped by.

You're leaving in 10 minutes?

Oh, why don't we stop getting ourselves? You don't really want to be here, and we don't really have anything to talk about.

At least I'm making the effort.

Oh, yeah, it's an effort to talk to me, huh?

Well, I guess that's why you only bother coming home once a year at Christmas, bud.

What the hell?

I didn't go visit you in Boston, either, did I? So why don't we just drop this?

That's a very poignant moment from, of all places, Fraser, and think of it in your own life. You know what goes through your own mind?

If someone came to visit me, if my kids came to visit me and I just felt like they were doing their time, putting in community service, how am I going to feel? I'm going to feel like I'm an object of pity, and I don't want to have that type of a relationship with my kids.

And on the other hand, if they come and they're real eager to see me, and I treat them that way, the way that dad treated—what's dad's name? Not Eddie. Eddie is the dog.

Oh my gosh. This is a brain freeze here. Well, I can hear you saying it through the radio, but I forget it.

Martin?

Marty, the way that Marty is feeling, if you see the eyes, and you've jumped to the conclusion that your kids don't want to be with you, and they're just putting in time. What if you're wrong?

How sad is that?

And if it's awkward to talk with one another, if you've got a relative, your parents, or if your kids, your grown kids, you just feel like you can't talk with one another. You want to at least sit down with yourself and say, "Hey, what's going through my mind? What are the barriers? What do we need to talk about that would open up possibilities for us?"

How can we clear the air?

If we can't do it with each other, if I'm afraid that, you know, everything's going to unravel, whatever we do have will unravel. Can we get some help?

Can we get some therapy together? Maybe some family therapy, where it's just you and your parents or you and your kids, kid or kids, and just talk things through so you don't have to go through the rest of life carrying the emotional weight of tension with a child or with a parent.

And that goes even with young kids. You want to figure out how to clear the air. It goes for everyone, doesn't it? It goes for situations with your friends or with a partner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Many differences between partners' interests that conflict with one's own preferences can be ignored if they are not important enough to make an issue of. This is not the same as avoiding a significant moral conflict. It is avoiding making unnecessary waves about a legitimate personal difference.

As the issues become more significant, such as differences in politics or religion, conflicts become more difficult, though not entirely impossible to ignore. Usually, such issues will have been considered before a close relationship is developed, but individuals may change over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.