The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

I recently went on a slightly more sophisticated family vacation with my parents and my aunt and my uncle, and we went to the Black Sea. It was to Bulgaria, Romania, Yalta, Turkey. Very odd ports in Turkey. And I want to talk about some of that coming up, but I want to start by telling you about Yalta.

We visited Yalta. And Yalta is in the Crimea on the Black Sea, a very tropical, warmer climate, not so much tropical, but very, very—it's got many spas there, which they call sanatoriums, but spas, because the climate's so gorgeous. There are lush covered mountains, and there are castles and palaces and exquisite, very exquisite, romantic settings. In fact, we visited one of the top 10 parks in the world, but even more spectacular than this gorgeous setting was our tour guide.

He was 49 years old, and he had lived under the communists, and he hated them. He said that when the Communists were openly in power, he had a job working as a nightclub singer and entertainer, and the communists told him where he was going to sing. He had to fly to all these isolated places in Siberia on Russian airplanes, the Aeroflot. And he said one had to land very suddenly because the wing was cracking off. They were seconds away from dying. Another one almost went up in flames. And he goes since that time, he refuses to ever get on another plane in his life, and that's an understandable airplane phobia.

He also said that the KGB tried to force him to snitch, and he defiantly refused—talk about courage. He was then called into the KGB office twice for interrogation, and he showed us these green lamps, and you may have seen them in very nice libraries. You see a kind of gold lamp with a green shade on it, glass shade. And it looks very elegant. It looks cozy. It looks like you'd find them in romantic settings. He said in the communist countries, those green lamps signify the KGB, because the KGB would interrogate you in the dark of night with just that lamp lit on their desk in this world, of course, intimidation tactics.

And he told us, even more frighteningly, that the KGB is still in power in Russia, that Putin didn't punish them or discharge them from their positions. Of course, Putin was with the KGB, and Putin makes it look like Russia is democratic, and they want the gullible West to think this, but our guide strongly said, I wish we'd cut off all ties with Putin, including trade and even sporting events, to send Putin the clear message that the West will not appease nor tolerate the continuing corruption and human rights violations that are going on right under our noses.

And our guide said that although censorship is less, the West is not listening. We want to hear what we want to hear. He also said he's disgusted with the Russian mafia, which is still running the spas in Yalta, so he's showing us these spas and saying, but it's full of corruption.

So meeting this tour guide was one of the high points of my vacation, because he takes ideas seriously, and he has courage and integrity. And notice that he's grasped the idea that appeasement does not work. Trying to make deals with the devil only emboldens the devil. The West appeasing Putin will only help Putin gain more power, and that's true in personal situations.

To flash back over your own life: If you appease an abusive spouse or an abusive parent, you are giving your spouse or that parent more power and control over you. And it takes courage and integrity to speak your mind clearly and assertively, and that's what we talk about on my show.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Ned,
I need to feel important. Instead, I'm living in the shadows of her life. Her family and friends are everything. I feel invisible.

I thought my husband's love would be enough to help him get over my affairs. Why can't he just forgive and forget? What does he think he is, perfect? He's so selfish.

How many lose themselves in a romantic relationship, feeling unimportant, taken for granted, or perhaps they lie or cheat and think their partner should forgive and forget?

I am Dr. Ellen Kenner, clinical psychologist and co-author with Dr. Edwin Locke of the romance guidebook The Selfish Path to Romance, provocative title, I know. By selfish, we mean the self-valuing, self-nurture way to romance. You never want to lose yourself in a relationship. You want to create a win-win partnership, to value your own and each other's goals and dreams.

Discovering how to be true to yourself in romantic partnership is learnable and key to romantic happiness. Check out our book with its daring title, The Selfish Path to Romance, at Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.