The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

What do you do to stay connected with your teenagers? And in Good Housekeeping, in a recent issue of Good Housekeeping, there was an article by Deborah Kent: “Staying Close to Your Teen.” She starts the article by saying, you know, I get a phone call that says, “Come home soon. I really want to be with you, Mommy.”

Now, when your teenager calls you Mommy, there’s a sense of real connection, like, “What’s going on here?” It’s like, “She loves me, she cares for me.” So this mommy anticipates a long chat over a hot chocolate, and she comes home and she sees her daughter on her laptop talking to her best friend, and mom’s still anticipating that long chat over hot cocoa, and her daughter looks up at her and says, “Oh, hi Mom.” And she says, “Hey Mom, can you close the door?” — not with Mom on the side of the door.

So how do you stay connected with your teenager? Well, first you want to know that teens, even though they may reject you on the surface — because they obviously want to learn how to spread their own wings and fly — they also want to stay bonded to their parents — good parents (assuming that you’re a decent parent, of course). And I have seen that time and time again in therapy, where the parents will come in and say, “You know, there’s just no connection anymore. I can’t talk with them. They don’t like me.”

And then I’ll talk with the teen, and the teen will say, “I wish I could connect with my mom,” or, “I don’t know how to get close to my dad. I don’t know. He just does his own thing, and he pulls away from me.” Those are things we typically don’t talk about. And when you can break through and, as the parent, make opportunities to connect with your kids, it can create a bond that’s a lifelong bond.

Now, how do you do that? Well, the article — again, this is an article from Good Housekeeping in a recent issue — what are some of the things you can do?

Well, you can create good times together. You look for opportunities. You just have that question in your mind: When does my child tend to be more readily available to talk? Maybe you’re in the kitchen right before dinner together. Maybe you’re making a cake or birthday cake or something, and you just sit there and you just start to listen to your teen again. You don’t have to talk. You don’t want to ask 20 questions. You don’t want to criticize. You don’t want to nag. Most of us know all of that — and we still end up doing that. You don’t want to do that.

So you can use—hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, “I live in the shadow of my husband’s life,” or, “I feel invisible to my girlfriend.” These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book: The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That’s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or selfishromance.com.

Most of us know all of that — and we still end up doing that. You don’t want to do that. So you can use opportunities when you’re involved in chores. Maybe you’ll be shoveling snow together, or raking leaves together. Or I used to use car time with my kids. I would have long rides with my kids, and I never minded them. In fact, recently, my daughter came home and she said, “Hey Mom, can you pick me up?” — well, she didn’t quite say it that way, but “Mom, you know, I’m an hour and a half away, I’m not sure how to get home.” And it’s like the first thought is, “Oh my God, what a nice opportunity to get together and to just share some time with her now that she lives across the country.”

So that’s one of the ways to connect with your teenager. You can also share your own passions. Let them know what you’re interested in. My sister shared her passion of photography, and boy, both my son and her own daughter are very interested in photography.

You want to take time to share their activities. Now, if you really hate something that they do, you obviously can’t share it. But if they’re involved in sports, or maybe a school play — take the time out and be there. And even if they seem to push you away, they’ll know that you’re there in the audience. They’ll know that you value them.

You can also look for something called conversational openings. If my husband came home and he gave me a huge sigh — “Ohhhh” — what would I say? I’d say, “Hey, what’s up?” Or, “Boy, that was a big sigh.” And then if I just pause, and don’t say, “Was it a rough day at work?” or, “Did you have car problems?” or, “Was there a lot of traffic?” — instead of playing 20 questions — if I just pause and wait for him to continue, we may have a wonderful conversation.

Well, it’s the same with kids. When you read the emotion on their face and just name a stronger emotion — “Boy, you seem down in the…” you know, “Honey, you seem down in the dumps today,” or, “That was a cute little smile — what’s up?” And it may just open a conversation for you.

So it’s important to stay connected — not only to the little ones (and again, we’ll have an interview coming up with Cornelia Lockitch, who is a parenting coach) — but with your own kids.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here’s a question that I received. Very quick question:

“Why am I never satisfied with any man? Why the need to change so often in every part of my life?”

Well, that’s kind of a big question. So partly, you might not be satisfied — there are many answers to this. Obviously, there’s a whole spectrum. So let’s take a look at it.

It may be that there are good qualities in some of them, and they’re a mix — there are some bad qualities too. So all of us, when we’re in the dating stage, would like to mix and match the guys or the ladies that we meet, and have a combination of someone who’s fun to be around, but intelligent and playful and a good listener — but you may find the good listener in one person and the intelligence in another.

So you’re looking for someone that matches you well, but you won’t find necessarily everything in one person — that’s extremely rare. And people grow together. You want to realize that in any relationship, if you can have good communication, and if you’re both honest, you can grow together.

The problem may be you. Maybe you’re afraid to let people get too close. Maybe you don’t feel good about yourself and so you only let the men so close into your life — and then you push away. You push away.

So the goal is to be able to introspect, to ask yourself some questions. What am I saying to myself when I start pushing men away? “Oh, he’s no good,” or, “He doesn’t understand me.” Look at your own relationship with the significant men in your life — maybe your father or brother, or maybe a grandfather or someone who was very significant in your life — and see if you’re not repeating a pattern there. And if you are, you may want to get some professional help to work that through.

There is a very good book: Changing for Good. Of course, that means improving for good. It’s at my website: DrKenner.com — D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R dot com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Personal differences can cause recurring conflicts. This is obvious in the case of big issues such as sex, spending money, choosing where to live, the amount of time spent together, the time spent with relatives, dividing up household chores, whether to have children — and if so, how many — and how to raise them. But they can also be recurring conflicts over small issues such as how to load the dishwasher, where to leave the dirty clothes, and when to pay bills.

Seemingly small issues often become larger if they keep recurring and if neither party is willing to change — or simply let it go. Sometimes chronic conflict over small issues — cleaning up the den, spending too much time on the computer with friends — is camouflaging a much deeper conflict that both partners are afraid to address.