The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Right now we're going to our after-hours line.

What do you do if you think you're a lesbian?

Okay, that's a quickie. What do you do if you think you're a lesbian? Now, that translates into what do you do if you're a woman and you feel more sexually attracted to women than to men, or to a particular woman more than to men. So you could say the same thing if you were heterosexual: What do you do if you think you're a heterosexual? I mean, none of us would ask that question. So, the problem in quotes with being a lesbian is that many people see it as a moral issue. And in the context of your own life, it may impact your life greatly if you're married, have kids, or if you're dating a guy. What if you find out you have much more feelings towards women than men?

Well, I say no deceit. You've got to first spend the time to understand yourself, do the introspective work. When am I attracted to women? When did this begin? Is it just fantasizing? Is it at work? Have I experimented? Would I like to experiment? Am I attracted to a particular person, or is it just in rebellion against a particular man or men in general? Maybe I've had some bad experiences with men. Maybe I've learned to please my dad my whole life, and now I feel I need to please the men in my life. So, sex feels like a duty. You can't make sex a duty. If you're in a heterosexual relationship and that's the problem, then it may not be that you need a woman. It may be that you need more self-assertion, to hold on to yourself, to express what feels good for you and what doesn't—what's a turn-off.

This is a totally private choice. This is not a moral issue. If you choose to be with a woman, it is your life. You have every right to go that route. You may face some problems from family members, and if you have kids, that can complicate matters tremendously. Handle it with tact. You don't want to be one of these angry people in the gay or lesbian movement who make the whole movement look bad. You want to thoroughly enjoy your life, make your choices rationally, think them out long-term on the values it affects, and move forward in your own life.

Here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Right before the break, we were talking with Suzanne. Suzanne, you were sharing that your daughter is very afraid of the rain, after an experience where both of you, along with your six-year-old son, were caught in a thunderstorm while trying to get into a car. It was decent out initially, and then the rains came pouring down. You don't think she's so much afraid of the thunder but of the rain itself, and that it's preventing her from breathing freely, from enjoying her life, from going out, and even from enjoying music outside at school.

Suzanne: Yeah, she won't go outside at all. Before that, she loved being outside.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, so what does she say? What are her specific words? If she was standing at the door and you're about to go outside, what does she say?

Suzanne: She says, "No rain."

Dr. Kenner: What else does she say?

Suzanne: That's it. "No, inside."

Dr. Kenner: She says, "Inside, no rain, no rain, want to go inside."

Suzanne: "Want to go inside."

Dr. Kenner: So what do you typically say to her?

Suzanne: I try to ease her fears. I say, "You know, it's not raining. Look at the sky. It's beautiful. There are no clouds, it's sunny." I try to do anything to ease her fears, but what I'm doing doesn't seem to work.

Dr. Kenner: What does she love outside that might shift her focus, like if there's a puppy dog outside that she likes?

Suzanne: She loves to play on the swing—that's her favorite thing, the swing set in the backyard. And I say, "Come on, let’s go out on the swing," but she won’t go.

Dr. Kenner: Then I might say to her, "Honey, I know you were scared by that rainstorm, and that rain was a little scary." I might empathize with her: "I got really wet too." I might tell her, "It wasn’t scary for me, but I didn’t like getting wet. It wasn’t a fun day." But sometimes rain is like that, and most of the time rain can be silly. For example, if the sprinkler is running and it's a hot day, you can run through it. We can water the grass, or you can have a teeny little squirt from a watering can that looks like rain. It can be silly, fun rain, or goofy rain. You can make different categories of rain, and when you feel like coming out to the swing, I'll be outside today, hon.

Suzanne: So I should empathize with her but encourage?

Dr. Kenner: Yes, I would encourage her. Now, if you have to go outside, then there's no question. You might say, "I understand that you’re afraid of rain, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain today. Even if it does, maybe it’ll be silly rain today or fun rain." Or come up with a playful rain song. You want to empathize with her so she doesn’t end up thinking, "You don’t understand me, Mommy. I’m really afraid." The issue becomes more about feeling understood. If you empathize with her, you could then suggest doing something fun like going to a birthday party or something she enjoys. If you don't make it a big issue, she may gradually feel safe. You could even let her carry an umbrella for fun, and if it doesn’t rain, you can put the umbrella away.

Suzanne: Have you seen "Singing in the Rain"?

Dr. Kenner: Yes, it's an old-time movie, but it's a must-see. It put so much joy in my kids' lives. "Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh"—that's one of the songs. And, of course, the main song, "I'm singing in the rain, just singing in the rain," could help her see rain as fun.

Suzanne: I didn’t handle that “mommy moment” well. My older daughter was standing in the thunder and lightning with an umbrella, refusing to get in the car, and I was afraid lightning would strike her.

Dr. Kenner: Your daughter may have picked up more on your anxiety. She might not be so much afraid of the rain but could fear you might lose control again in a crisis. If you handle similar situations with calmness, it helps her feel safe. There are great parenting books, and one I highly recommend is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It's available on my website, DrKenner.com, and it's invaluable for learning how to handle these kinds of situations.

Suzanne: Thank you so much for your call, and please let me know how things go.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for an injustice, consider if there’s evidence that the person has genuinely changed. The more serious the offense or the longer-term the problem, the longer it takes to know if your partner has genuinely reformed. Don’t forgive too soon; many people are repeat offenders. No one else can decide for you, and there are no formulas, only guiding principles to think deeply about, such as those just listed. For example, adultery can be unforgivable for some, leading to an immediate end to the relationship. For others, it may signal that something is wrong, prompting an examination of the relationship to see if it’s worth repairing.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and the book is also available on Amazon.com.