The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Here's a woman who is not so lucky. Dear Dr. Kenner, my husband Max has never disciplined our son Jake or held him accountable for his actions. Okay, notice her use of the words never and always. My husband, Max, has never disciplined our son, Jake. He has never supported me, and he always takes my son's side. That's always a tip-off to a therapist. There's an always for you. He contradicts me in front of Jake, and they both lie to me on important issues. Jake is now 18 years old, and he's unpleasant to be around. So that's a pain to have a son who is 18 years old and very unpleasant to be around. It's common, but it's not pleasant. In counseling, my husband, Max, admitted he was wrong and would try harder. Nothing changed. Jake throws a fit. Max gives in because any stress causes him to have a panic attack. Max says he doesn't have the energy to deal with Jake. Max and I recently separated. There are no signs of improvement. I want my 16-year marriage to work now, see if you believe her, but my thoughts or opinions don't matter. Jake is our only child, and although I love him, I do not like him, nor, sadly, does anyone else, once they get to know him. I blame my husband for robbing me of the opportunity to be a mother. Had I left my husband years ago, it would have been worse. My son would have been bitter towards me. I want to move on with my life now, but I'm having a hard time because I don't want to admit that my marriage failed. Max says he loves me and is lost without me, but his actions show otherwise.

Notice you say you love your son, but your actions show otherwise. Counseling is of no use. Max just plays along for a parent's sake but never follows through with his promises. Can you make any suggestions, or am I just running in circles here?

Marge, you've described a drama that has played out over the 16 years of your marriage, and from your vantage point, Max plays several roles. I heard you set him up as the villain. He robbed you of your opportunity to be a mother. I heard you describe him as an anxiety-ridden victim. So he's not only the villain, but now he's the victim. He's the guy caught in the middle, and he's uncertain of how to parent, and he easily cowers before your son, Jake. When Jake takes a fit while you're trying to discipline Jake, you describe him as the good parent. Jake is daddy's boy. You describe him as the bad husband. He's full of false promises. He treats you as invisible. He doesn't listen to you.

Now, you give us evidence that this has been a problem for many, many years, maybe for the whole 16 years of your marriage because you use words such as never and always. He never supports me. He never disciplines. It sounds like your 16 years of marriage failed a long time ago. You're saying he always takes my son's side. So you're saying, on one hand, I want my 16-year marriage to work, but my thoughts and opinions don't matter. And you're also saying I want to move on with my life, but I'm having a hard time because I don't want to admit that my marriage failed.

I'll tell you, your marriage failed. It did right off the bat. You've been living together for 16 years, and I would love to hear what you say under your breath to one another, maybe not what you say openly. You may say it openly too, but what goes on under your breath? There she goes again. I can't. Max might be saying something like, "There she goes again. I can't stand her. I'm always the bad one. I'm always the one to blame. She never takes any responsibility." And you're thinking, "I can't stand him. He's destroyed my life." You're both trapped in that, what's called stinking thinking, that whole network of negative thinking.

So you give, I don't think you're in love with Max. He's ignoring your opinions, he contradicts you, and he is, from your vantage point, colluding with your son. And I don't even think you love your son because you fall in love with a character you could have loved—the potential of what your son could have been, or what he once might have been, or what your relationship might have once been, but you don't love him now. So this is a huge loss on your part, the loss of your romantic relationship and the relationship with your son. Now, if you try to fake otherwise, it hurts you. So you don't have to say that I love my son, but you want to be able to ask yourself some questions.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishPathToRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

You want to be able to ask yourself some questions. How did these patterns develop? Did you both want a child? Was Jake planned? When I do the math, it raises some questions. You've been married 16 years and Jake is 18 years old, so you had Jake out of wedlock and you were married two years later. Why? What patterns did you and your husband set up early in the relationship? Did you embrace motherhood, or were you resentful? Did you have the child out of wedlock, or at a time that you weren't prepared to have the child? Were you a loving, nurturing wife and mother, or did you feel trapped into both? Did you feel you had to marry Max? And if that's the case, did your resentment bleed out into your parenting style and your marriage?

One of my clues is she used the word discipline. He doesn't help me discipline my kids, and I know that's common, but there's enough information out there on parenting where we talk about not discipline, which synonyms are restricted, closely controlled, and regulated. It means laying down the law, punishing your child, yelling at him, taking away his prized possessions, using sarcasm, belittling him, letting him know who's boss, and using honor and guilt first. There's enough information out there on engaging cooperation, and there are books on my website on parenting that I highly recommend. My website's DrKenner.com.

You need to let a kid know why you're requesting something of him, and when a kid makes a mistake, you want to coach him supportively. When he deliberately makes a bad choice, you let him suffer the natural consequences. So what role would Max and Jake say you have played? That's another good question to act. Perhaps Max is protecting Jake against a mother who's very angry at the whole idea of motherhood. Maybe he's guilt-ridden that he got you pregnant out of wedlock and felt forced to marry you.

I think the main problem is that you never had time in your marriage to let a couple style of communication develop. Assuming you wanted to get married. If you didn't want to get married, then that's obviously the problem. The baby came too soon. It happens with a lot of couples. So it stung you both when it came to parenting; you didn't have a consistent style of dealing with a kid. You want to move on. I would say take a closer look at the pattern that's developed, and you want to be truthful with yourself. Think of ways that you've hurt your own relationship with your son and your husband rather than blaming them for everything.

Then have a true heart-to-heart talk with your son and maybe even go into counseling with your son. It sounds like you wanted to leave Max long ago. I suspect he may feel the same way. It's okay to leave him. Faking it will make it worse, but don't blame him for everything. Own your own piece of it.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'd like a petite filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle—not a true pink, but not a move either, something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

Okay, that's Niles from Frasier. And do you live with someone who's like that? They're real picky? Well, I do—my husband. He has to have his cereal bowl in the refrigerator frozen before he has cereal in it. He's got to have his coffee cup warm on top.

Don't we have anything else to talk about?

That's my husband, and he’s very picky. When we first got married, that was somewhat irritating. You know, he wants the counters completely clean. It's like the odd couple living together. But what I realized was his pickiness also was in romance. He's tremendously romantic, and I came to see that not as just being picky, the way Niles is, but my husband is as being a passionate valuer. Now someone, he isn't as picky as Niles. Obviously, he has some degree of flexibility that Niles doesn't have. Backhanded compliment.

Well, that wouldn't be a compliment, would it be? But I can remember when we first got married, I would ask him, "What did you think of the steak that I made?" You know, I'd make him dinner, and I was the typical 1950s housewife, even though it wasn't in the 1950s—that's what I wanted to be at the time. And he would look at me and say, "The steak is rubbery." And I think, "Nah, you're supposed to say thank you so much for making it, and it's very good." And instead, he would always just cut to the chase and say the steak is rubbery, and the steak was rubbery. I like very well-done steaks, but I came to admire his honesty. I just know I can ask him any question, and he will level with me, and I just adore him. So I'm very, very lucky.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this now.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Kenner and Lock.

One factor that undermines sexual arousal and enjoyment is to focus solely on your partner's pleasure. A self-sacrificial approach to sex does exactly that. It sacrifices your own pleasure. The compulsion to please, to perform, or to serve, not to disappoint, can be a severe source of disruptive emotion. What is the antidote? Since romance is in the best interest of both, make sure you both experience pleasure. To get pleasure, be conscious at some point of nothing but the pure pleasure you are getting. To make sure both partners get what they want, take turns if necessary so each of you experiences pleasure. Focus on enjoying yourself when you are with your partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.