The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and Amazon.com

Here's a question I received from Angie. This is the woman who remarried and is having a lot of difficulty. Remarriages are not always easy. In fact, many times they fail faster than first marriages.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I recently remarried a man, Albert, who says he's a Christian and has full custody of his three children. I have four boys of my own, so notice they come in with a lot of baggage. My marriage to Al is not at all what I expected. I've become jealous, negative, and my self-esteem has taken a nosedive. I cannot trust Al. I want to know what he's doing 24/7. I don't call my friends anymore, and I no longer hang out with them. Before I married, I was happy, and everyone loved my company. I used to joke about all the men I had falling at my feet, and how if one of these guys let me down, I could move on to the next guy with no trouble at all. I was never jealous. What happened to me? I'm depressed, and it's hurting the people around me. Angie.

Angie, you want to think really clearly about what's going on in your mind. If you could get a transcript of your thoughts, what are you saying to yourself? Are you saying, "Oh my God, marriage is not what I expected. I expected this to be a romantic getaway, to finally have Al spend all of his attention focusing on me, and we’ve got seven kids underfoot." I'm assuming you have custody of your kids. "We have seven kids underfoot, and this is Grand Central Station here, and it is chaotic, and the kids are all pulling us in different directions, and our exes are haunting us, and this is a nightmare. I don’t have the luxury to go out with my friends anymore. And what am I going to go out for? I can't go dating anymore; I'm with Al. Oh my God, I wonder what he's doing today. He's at work. You know, I wonder if he's really at work, or is he trying to run away? Did he saddle me with all the kids? And he wants me to step-parent his kids, but he's off carousing with another woman. He hasn't been attentive to me lately."

If you're saying things like that, then you are definitely fueling a paranoia. And you don’t want to do that for yourself. You’ll feel like you don’t have any competency. You’ll feel like your self-esteem is real low. So the first thing you want to do is one of the hardest things—you need to remain objective. Meaning, what are the facts when you say you can't trust Al? What's going on? What part does he bring into this equation? Is he away from home a lot? Is he not attentive to you? Is he mean to you? Is he flirtatious with other women? Has he always been that way? Did he cheat on his ex with you, or did he have a history of cheating on his ex? Is that what broke up the marriage? You know? What is it about him? Does he dress nicely when he leaves for the day? Slop on a little cologne? Is he emotionally available for you?

So, if those things are not happening, if he's totally earning your trust, then you want to shift the focus—not from Al, but to you. You want to say, what is it about me? I need to know, am I bringing in ghosts from the past? Did my parents have a rocky relationship? And so I bring in the anticipation that having a lot of kids underfoot and thinking of my parents' relationship, I've just concluded that relationships will fail. Am I bringing back ghosts from my past, from my first marriage? Am I thinking, "Well, I blew that one; maybe I'll blow this one too." Are you trustworthy, or were you very flirtatious?

So, these are a lot of questions that you want to ask yourself to try to tease out where your insecurity is coming from. Then you want to strengthen what is good in you. For example, if you feel your self-esteem has taken a nosedive, say, "What do I do well?" If you're a good parent, then focus on your parenting. Underscore that. Let Al know that too. Let him know what you're feeling. Kids can be a real problem in second marriages, and often are. In fact, according to one book, The Good Marriage by Wallerstein and Blake, the authors say that second marriages fail earlier and even more frequently than first marriages, and the most important factor in these failures is the children. So you need to actively tend both to how you're going to address seven kids underfoot, and how you're going to build a separate spot, a separate life for yourself, a separate romantic life, and also to get some downtime for yourself—which sounds like an impossible task, which is why the two of you need to coordinate and really work hard together to achieve that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Last night, I took myself out on a date. I asked my husband if he would like to go to a concert to see Viennese waltzes, and he said, "No, doesn’t interest me," and that's okay in our relationship. In our relationship, in the past, I would have tried to twist his arm: "Oh, please, please," and I maybe tried to use a little guilt trip with him. But we don't do that. We don't do that anymore. I’m not saying I didn’t try that. Now, it's that I took myself out to a concert, and I sat in the fourth row and I heard beautiful Viennese waltzes, and I saw people. I wish I had seen ballroom dancers dancing the Viennese waltz, because that's my area of interest. But I saw ballet dancers doing the Viennese waltz, and that was pretty, though I wish one of the women held her head back a little further. And I fell in love with the conductor, and he was so playful, so energetic. I mean, everybody else in the orchestra looked a little dry and bored—not bored, but, you know, they’re just sitting there in those dark clothes. But he was up there with so much enthusiasm, so much energy. He was waving his hands and conducting the orchestra. And of course, when you’re sitting in the fourth row, you see everything. And then when we applauded him, I noticed something really interesting. He was totally self-confident, and he had an enormous sense of passion and pride for what he was doing, and he just exuded it. He was observing us rather than needing our applause. He was observing us to see if we appreciated him appropriately, and I thought that was kind of cool.

He also did something cool. You know, everyone says you should turn off your cell phones. Well, when he stopped, somebody's cell phone went off, and he just winked. Instead of making it a big, heavy issue, he said, "Take the telephone call." He said this in a Viennese accent: "It's no problem." And it was just really cute. So, I thought it was a lot of fun. And if you're in a relationship where you and your partner or you and your husband or wife have different interests, you don't want those interests to divide you, to split you. You want to make sure you have some couple interests. But it's certainly okay to independently pursue your own goals, as long as it doesn't become all-consuming. And so, it's okay to take yourself out on a date occasionally.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Drkenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

One issue to consider when learning about a potential romantic partner is the issue of health. Does a potential partner have any health problems that would frustrate you or become intolerable to live with on a daily basis? For example, does he or she have allergies to cats or an inability to join you on the ski slopes because of knee problems, a heart problem, debilitating migraines, or a chronic disease? You yourself may have health problems, and you would want to make sure that your partner is accepting of them. Some people don’t mind having a partner with even serious physical limitations, but for others, even minor but chronic limitations become a major source of frustration.

Download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.