The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I find myself crying for no reason. I break down even in front of my boyfriend. I've been dating Tom for the past four years. I'm 19 and he's 20, so that means you started dating at the age of 15, and he was 16—four years at that young age, with the same person. Our relationship has always been an on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again. Last week, he wanted it to be off. I told him that I can't do this anymore and that it is abuse on my heart and blah blah blah. I don’t know why you're saying "blah blah blah" when you're talking about some profound feelings you're having. You don't want to put yourself down like that.

I realize that when I am without him, I'm empty. It's like I rest all of my happiness on being with him. We're still together, but I don't know if it's the best thing for us. He was never the type of guy that would buy me flowers or send me random things in the mail to let me know he cares; he straight-up told me that that's not him. But I stayed with him. I am so dependent on him that it is disgusting. When I buy a new dress, I stand in front of the mirror and think, "What will Tom think? Oh, I'll bet he'll think this is cute. I don't like it, but I should buy it for him," or, "I don't think he'll like it, but I love it; I better not get it because he won't like it." I am crying and crying for no reason. He doesn't understand when he says that I'm crying for no reason. He says it's wrong to cry. Maybe I'm thinking it's wrong just because he says it, Dina.

Dina, good for you. You're starting the process of introspection. You're beginning to grasp that you're letting your own choice-making become too dependent on Tom. It's fine to say, "Well, my husband will like this, and my boyfriend will like this, and I sort of like it, and I think I'll get it and it will make him real happy," and it's nothing that’s real negative for me. That's okay. But if you don't like a dress, or you don't like an outfit and you say, "Well, I should wear it because he likes it," don’t ever do that to yourself. Don't wear it. Rip it up, toss it, throw it away.

So here's what you need to do. You need to first learn that crying is a response to a loss, and it could be multiple losses. If you're crying often, it means that it may be profound losses. Now, what could be more profound than your happiness? If you don’t feel at home with yourself, then you may be crying because you feel like you're losing yourself—you can't make your own decisions that are serving you well. If you feel that you're losing a relationship that could have been better, then that can make you sad. If you feel like you're staying in a relationship that you know is dead-ended and will only bring you unhappiness because he's not sending you the flowers or giving you the type of visibility that you want, then that can make you sad too. It feels like you're in a no-win situation.

So with the tears, let the tears speak. If my tears could speak, what would they say? "Hey,

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

With the tears, let the tears speak. If my tears could speak, what would they say? Fill in that blank. If they would say, "I need to get out of this relationship. I need to learn how to be on my own. I've become so dependent on Tom that I don't have a life of my own." I'm afraid there may be some anxiety in that; the tears may not be just tears of sadness, but you also may be feeling jittery inside. "Can I make it on my own? Will I ever find anyone else?" Well, you're so young, you're not 90 years old asking, "Will I ever find anyone else at the age of 19?" Yeah, yeah. There's a whole sea of men and wonderful men out there that you can date and explore and see which ones you like better.

If you're saying also that he's not loving you the way you want to be loved, don't generalize it. Don’t think that all men won't love you that way. Part of the burden is on you. Part of the responsibility is on you to tell a partner, "This is the way I want to be loved. I love it when you help me out around the house; that makes me feel romantic towards you. I love you. I feel closer." My dad never helped out, and this is meaningful—or, "Please don't help out around the house, but I love flowers. I've always adored getting flowers." Now, if somebody sends me flowers, I think they're very beautiful, but it's not something I need from my husband. I would rather that he—well, my husband's really colorful. He does very playful things, which someday I'll tell you about. I'll tell you about our mystery trips. Some of them I can't tell you about—very sexy—but we had wonderful mystery trips.

But you need to know your partner's love language, and you need to let your partner know your love language. There's a person who wrote a book, The Five Languages of Love, Gary Chapman, and he talks about different types of love languages in romantic relationships. Some people love the gifts, the flowers, or some people like the notes, and you're liking both—little notes or cards in the mail or post-its left in a lunch that he makes for you or you make for him. Other people don't like that. Some people like help around the house. Some people like a lot of physical touch, a lot of the touchy-feely. Some people like that less—it’s like, "Your hands are all over me; get them off." So you need to discover what your love language is, and to be able to let him know it, and if it doesn't work out, to cut the ties with him and start dating again, and to learn how to introspect.

Well, Dr. Ed Locke and I have written a book which has a section on introspection. It's a book on romance too. It's a wonderful book. So you're still young, you can meet many people. You want to identify your own love language. You can do that through introspection. You want to identify the areas of loss, and don't just sit with the loss, but figure out an action plan—what to do. If you're crying because you think this is a dead-ended relationship, you may need to grieve the loss of what you thought could be a wonderful relationship, but also feel some relief that you're getting yourself out of a relationship that's not going anywhere.

And also, you really want to take pride in resting your happiness on your independent thinking, on your mind. Self-esteem is mind esteem. And so when you look at a dress in the mirror and you're trying to decide whether to buy it or what to wear, use your own judgment. You don't want to rebel against your boyfriend or anybody else if it's a parent that doesn't like it. But you also don't want to conform. You want your psychological independence—make rational decisions, and you'll be much happier.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

How do you make yourself worthy? Genuine self-esteem comes from relying on your power to think. This means, for example, taking facts seriously even when you don't like them. Can you really afford that new car, exerting mental effort to gain knowledge, rather than drifting through life in a daze? Do you try to improve your job skills, your knowledge of the world, thinking independently rather than blindly following others out of passivity or fear of disapproval? Do you ever pretend to agree with things that friends say even though you strongly disagree with them?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon.com.