The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

George buddy,

remember that girl I introduced you to, Lorraine? Now Lorraine, she really likes you. She told me to tell you that she wants you to ask her to be champion of the sea dance, really? Oh yeah. All you gotta do is go over there and ask her.

What right here, right now in the cafeteria? What if she said, No, I don't know if I could take that kind of rejection.

I have the pleasure today of having Dr. Kuriansky on my show. She's a clinical psychologist, and she's a popular TV and radio personality, and she's the author of two books, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating and The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship. And I encourage you to take a look at those books. They're excellent. Welcome, Dr. Judy.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Kenner. It's a pleasure to be with you, and I appreciate that you've had one of them on your shelf. And what's interesting is that the dating issues are very related to a healthy relationship, because what I say about dating is that you need to keep coming up with new ideas to keep your dating experience fun. And that's the same principle that actually works for a long-lasting relationship—they continue to be creative.

You know, my husband and I have been married years. He'll probably wink and tell me 29. And what he said to himself before we got married was, what you need to win someone, you need to do to keep someone also. And we have had, we have had so much fun. I mean, I could tell you playful things that he's done, like take me camping. We go get all the beans and the hot dogs, and then when I get to the campsite, instead, he has a gourmet cook there cooking a meal for us. So he's done wonderful romantic things throughout the relationship.

That is so sweet. I'm ecstatic to hear that. What a joy and how lucky you are, and that just the fact that you shared this on your show now is an inspiration for men who are listening, and for the women who are listening to tell their partners just what's possible for a man, because we think men are not romantic, but many surveys have shown that men are romantic and that they enjoy those things too.

And that's the key. If a man thinks about it as it's a duty—I have to do so. I have to buy the old lady flowers. I have to buy her a ring and a Christmas gift or whatever it takes. It just, it squeezes the romance, the playfulness out of the relationship. Rather than saying, I'd love to do this. This could be fun. I think I'll surprise her today, and the woman saying that too. You want to talk a little bit about a survey that was recently done and a contest that's being run?

Yes, indeed. I participated in the KY Marriage for Life Survey in analyzing the results, and we have over 2000 people, 1000s of people, men and women, respond to various questions about what it takes to have a long-lasting relationship, and what they wish for for New Year's Eve, and what they think is most important. And what are the qualities of a long-lasting relationship? And the results of that survey are indeed that people rated these three things the most important.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick break, and we'll be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

People rated these three things the most important: trust, respect, and friendship.

Yeah, I've heard friendship a lot, and I know that one of the things you can never not have is trust in a healthy, ongoing relationship.

Oh, it's extremely important. The minute someone has an affair, the relationship is so scarred, so damaged, and it's really hard to rebuild the trust.

Oh, exactly. So that's, if anything, the most important quality. And I found that too, from being a psychologist for so many years, almost three decades already, that of all the questionnaires that I've given in surveys, just as in the KY Married for Life Survey, the results are so true that trust comes out top of the heap as being really important. And as you said, if the trust is broken, the good news about that is that trust can be rebuilt. It's not easy, and it takes a lot of commitment and recommitment, and it takes talking about what the problems were and resolving what the new direction is going to be. And if the man or the woman, whoever has had this affair, is truly willing to make a new commitment, and they can do little things like show up at the time they say, and keep different agreements, then the trust can be rebuilt. And they both have to be really committed to rebuilding it.

And they really, it would really help to get into therapy so that issues don't get buried, and then, you know, they work so hard to rebuild it, and then the big issue comes out, and you want to be able to make a solid foundation. If you're rebuilding trust, what would you say are some skills or qualities that good couples, couples that are working well together, use?

Well, I often call them the four T's, and one of them, as we've just discussed, is trust, and that's an important foundation. Another T is time, and that's setting aside time together, because a lot of couples are so busy, and they just don't have time, especially when children come along. The third T is talking, which is exceptionally important. And even in the KY Married for Life Survey, communication came out very, very high on the list of what was important for couples. They definitely, especially women, want to be told what's on their partner's mind. And the fourth one is touch, because touch is really important. There's been lots of research to show that touch is soothing. It lowers blood pressure. And as a sex therapist myself, I certainly know that touch is very crucial, and that fits in so, so really importantly to the mission of KY, which is, of course, with their new Ultra Gel. Touching is very important when people go through different stages of life, especially after women have had menopause, for example, and you know, they may not be as excitable or they may not lubricate as much. That's where it's so important to continue the touch and continue activity, and where something like a KY Ultra Gel can help. But touch in any way—massage—is so important, really. Dr. Kenner, it's a foundation for every sexual enrichment and marriage enhancement program that I've ever known about or that I run myself. Those massages don't have to lead to sex is a very important message to people. They should be what we call non-demand.

You mentioned time also, and when I see teenagers dating, they can't get enough time with each other. They don't want to do homework, they don't want to go to sports games, and they just want to be with each other. And then when you see married couples who've been married for many years, it's like, 'I left the old lady home,' or, 'You know, I finally escaped from him. I can't believe it. He drives me buggy,' and you don't get a sense of connection anymore. What have you noticed in terms of couples? I know we're down to the last 30 seconds, but couples—why do they need?

They don't work at it. And the real key is exactly how we started out talking, and that is when the teenage couple are really looking to make each other seduced and interested. And that's what you have to keep on doing all the time. Pretend even that you've just met. That's the best advice.

So go back to dating. If you feel like your marriage is dying or your relationship is dying, go back to dating. Thank you so much, Dr. Judy Kuriansky, for joining me today, the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Healthy Relationships.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

You chose your partner. You did not choose your parents. You should not cater to an unreasonable or blatantly irrational parent. Your partner comes first and deserves your loving support. Now consider children. Of course, children are beloved, irreplaceable values. Assuming you had children for the proper reason—you wanted the joy of raising them—then it is not a sacrifice to give up lower-priority values, such as being in a time-consuming tennis tournament. You've made a tragic and emotionally costly error if you had children out of duty or to please others. Spending time with your children is typically a great source of pleasure. Nevertheless, partners need private time together on a regular basis.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com. Buy it at Amazon.com.