The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Welcome, Veronica. You're dealing with difficulties with your sister's fiancé.

Yes, he's a controlling tyrant, and I don't want them to get married, nor do I want him in our family because we have a family business, and I would find him very controlling. I don't know how to approach her on how I feel.

Okay. How close is she? Out of state? Is she nearby?

We live together, actually.

Oh, you live with your sister. She's been dating this guy for how long?

Five years.

Five years. And so you've been able to see him up close and personal?

I have.

And tell me some of the things that you observe.

He would tell her that she's fat, or he would say, "Don't wear that; it doesn't look good on you." Or he would tell her, he would make her provide breakfast for him, or there would be a plate of something, and he would tell her that she served it wrong and to do it over, and things like this. It's just kind of out of control. I mean, things that—this is terrible.

So was he always this way?

Yes, from five years ago.

Yeah. What keeps her tied to him? Did she have a baby with him, or what keeps her in a relationship like that?

I have no idea because when I'm with her by herself, we're very close, and she's independent. She owns her own business; she's confident, she's assertive. And then when she's with him, she's like a dog with its tail between its legs. She's very weak and timid, and she's "yes, yes" to him all the time. And so I don't really understand. Her previous boyfriend, she dated for eight years, and he was very similar to this person.

Okay, so she dated him. What helped her to leave that last relationship?

Her last boyfriend cheated on her.

And what? But why did she leave him? I mean, if she becomes so subservient with her tail between her legs, why not stay when he cheated?

I think she just is a combination of being kind of finally fed up with his behavior, and I think she had a lot of pressure from maybe some of her friends. I don't, I don't—I’m not sure. I didn't live with her at that time, but I did meet him and know him, and she knew I didn't really like him that much. But this person is different because we're a little bit older. She really wants to marry him—I mean, they're engaged, and she really wants to spend the rest of her life with him. And I don't know, it seems more complicated.

Okay, well, if that's what you want, try to tease out what makes this more complex. Because, on the face of it, especially when you have an independent woman, you know, who owns her own—she owns her own business. She does—she's on her own; she's competent. She sees how powerful her own mind is to achieve her goals, and she wants romance. Why does she want it so badly that she's willing to not think? She's willing to abandon her mind and just allow him to beat up on her emotionally? Is there a history in your family of origin?

No. My father was more the disciplinarian and the dominant one in the family, and my sister really adores him, but my mother was never really subservient to him. But my father, all three of his sisters have married men who are much like this man. And my grandmother was very, very similar to this as well. But she's also—the other thing I think I'm thinking of is that she's almost 40, and so I think she feels a lot of pressure to be married and have kids and everything like that.

So it's him or no one else, possibly, in her mind? A lot of people will do that. You know, this is my last chance. If I really want to have a baby, I've already invested five years. I'm not going to turn around now. Everybody has their flaws, and at least this one, you know, I know his flaws. I've been with him for five years. And what if I never have a family? What if I never get married? You know, if she is thinking along those lines, then that's that type of catastrophic thinking. It's way off base, but it's catastrophic thinking that can keep her locked into a relationship.

If the question is, what can you do?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Her romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad? I saw—here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

The question is, what can you do? And if you've got a good relationship with her, you can do a lot.

I do. Our relationship is very strong.

Okay, so what have you tried so far with her?

Well, when I first met him five years ago, she asked me if I liked him, and I said, "No, I don't." And I guess it never has just really come up. I actually avoid him.

This is what I suggest you do. You've made a lot of observations that he calls her fat, that he tells her not to wear things, that he tells your sister what to serve for breakfast, or that she did it all wrong. If you point out the observations and a contrast—you know, I noticed that when I was with him today, he told you he didn't like what you wore, and he called you fat. You know, I wish you were with someone who would never call you fat, who would see in you what I see in you, and who would not demand that you serve them breakfast. And I wonder if you've ever asked yourself why you go along with him? You can even say to your sister, you don't have to answer me. It's a private question for yourself. I get real concerned.

So you can use the method of contrast. What I did there is to say that I gave details. Details are important. I observed this. You say what you observe, and then you say, "And I wonder what it would be like to live with someone who didn't call you fat, who didn't do this?" And you know, that's like opening a door for her to talk with you. There's also a wonderful older book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward, that you can look up, and it's a book worth getting. She was a very strong woman who would come home and kind of have her tail between the legs, and then she wrote a book about it. She was a psychologist too. So those are two of the—so those are some of the things that I would recommend.

You can also Google the symptoms of abuse in an abusive relationship. You've named several of them, but that will hopefully help you too. So I hope that helps. I wish we had more time, Veronica.

Well, thank you. It’s been very helpful. Thank you so much.

Okay, good luck with that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by Dr. Kenner and Locke.

One pitfall to nurturing your sensual attraction to your partner is the view that ideal romantic love is separated from the physical—the idea that true love is "unsullied" by sex. This era usually goes by the name platonic love. In this view, the body is low and corrupt. Thus, the highest form of romantic love is purely spiritual, something floating in ethereal. Platonic love, however, is not romantic love. In a truly romantic relationship, you feel sexual desire, and you want sexual fulfillment. The platonic notion of love allows you to feel admiration but damns you for having a "degrading" sexual response. This view makes you feel ashamed of sexual feelings. This notion of platonic love destroys romantic love.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.