The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. Dr. Kenner.com.

Mark, you're having difficulty in your marriage with your wife.

Yes.

Dr. Kenner, I'm not sure if you remember the particular instance, but my wife had come down with a brain tumor, and we had gone through a clinical trial where I literally was with her every day for three to four months during the clinical trial, and then another month or so while she went through the surgery. When we got home, we had a not-so-friendly friend that decided I was evil and literally talked my wife into leaving me and filing a restraining order.

Okay?

So somebody else, when you say a not-so-friendly friend, male or female?

Female. So your wife's female friend told it took all of your efforts, all of your standing by your wife, you know, and basically said that you were evil and your wife was not in a stable position at that point, emotionally stable because of the brain.

So I would say that because of the chemotherapy—and pardon me for talking over you there—but because of the chemotherapy, she was in a confused state of being at that point in time. Literally, she came down to getting another not-so-unfriendly friend involved, and they decided to concoct the story, I suspect, for my wife, that basically not only was I evil, but I was unstable, that I had a gun, and that I was going to hurt her and possibly myself.

Yeah, so it got even more exciting.

And I'm assuming there's no foundation to that, that even if you have a gun, you were not unstable, that you were not going to use it, that that was not the case.

Yeah, not the case. In fact, my wife was worried about guns before this whole issue came up and that I might potentially, you know, commit suicide or a number of other things. I literally got the guns out of the house.

Okay, why do you think? Okay, go ahead.

She's even using getting the guns out of the house as an issue of me being unstable.

So it's really interesting seeing who are really true friends are and who takes sides and those that just take things with a grain of salt and ask questions and get to the bottom of things.

Okay, so I have two questions. Yes, it's just the essence, why would these friends do this? What's the motive? What's in it for them?

That's a dang good question. I think in the first case, it was when we got back, the gal that was helping me move my wife back was doing some things that were putting her at risk, and I challenged her on it. The moment I started challenging her on it, I became a not-nice guy.

What were they doing that was putting her at risk?

They were taking her out in public, which she shouldn't because her immune system was extremely compromised, okay? They were taking her out. In one case, she was out for six hours, and the maximum that she was supposed to be out was like an hour. The gal came and was helping us at our home. I tried getting her evicted and couldn't even do that because she has more legal rights than I do as to who I could have as a guest in my house. But that's a different story for a different time.

Okay, so you, it sounds like you've gotten legal advice on this. Let me ask the second question, which is, what is your main question? What would you like some help with?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Let me ask the second question, which is, what is your main question? What would you like some help with?

My point, or my question at this point, is that at this time, I've given her an extension on the restraining order, and things have kind of strung out for almost two months, and I let her have a rope, so to speak, to hopefully let her basically just come to a stable mindset and to decide herself what she really, really wants.

Yeah, and I know that a number of people have said, well, you should divorce him, and a number of people said, well, you should divorce her. My thinking is that after 43 years, we're pretty much in tune with each other, and there's still a fair amount of love for each other. So just give her time and space and see where she's coming from. And I'll challenge the restraining order separately, but my question is more along the lines of is the prudent thing to do just let her have her lead and give her time to think things through?

I think it's focused on yourself. And I think that you're saying you're not ready to leave the marriage, and people are saying that you—and here's the key word—should leave. You're getting advice. You know, what the heck are you doing there? Come on, cut your losses. Move on with your life. You know, I'm sure that you have a chorus of people who are trying to be supportive to you, and you know, there's probably a part of you that agrees with that too. The difficulty is, it can't come as a should in your own mind. If you're saying, "I should leave her," then you're not able to think clearly.

It's what makes sense, given your long history, given all the other connections that you have. A marriage is the two of you together, the emotional intimacy. If that was rocky to begin with and you're just hanging in there trying to see if you can fix it, that's at least you need to know that about yourself. If it was a great relationship, or even a comfortable one, and it's a 43-year-old relationship, and you want to— you want to not throw in the towel. You want to see if she comes to her senses, that she'll say, "Oh my gosh, what have I been doing? Please come back here. It's so nice having you around." Then that's a very different situation.

And so, if I may interrupt at that point, yeah, I think I've already pretty much come to the conclusion that, you know, there's too much there. There's too much that we had together. The cancer seems to be in remission.

Yeah. My take is, basically, whatever she wants to do is fine by me. I mean, I will support her. I will be there for her if she wants me to. And my question is more along the lines of where is she? She has not made any moves for divorce or separation. She keeps rebuffing those that seem to be of the mindset of saying you should divorce and move on.

You have no contact with her at all.

I cannot, because of the restraining order.

Okay?

So you need to set a deadline for yourself, don't you? Because you don't want this to go on for 10 years. So you can say, you can say, you know, for the next six months or so, you can pick your own time frame. I'm not picking that, and I know we're winding down on time, but I am going to hang in there and see if there's any movement on her part to come back to me. Because you have the restraining order, if there is a movement for her to come back, if you see some connection or hear about it, you can pursue that. If not, at that point, you need to ask yourself again, do I want to give myself another six months, or do I need to cut my losses? And then you need to grieve your losses.

I would definitely get supportive therapy for yourself and grieve the losses because you are losing what you wanted and can't have without her wanting it also.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

What is all that stuff? Do you always carry this in your bag?

Yeah, are you gonna be like a shopping bag lady? You like, sit in alleyways and, like, talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kind of thing.

And that is from The Breakfast Club. And you might know people in your own life who just seem like they're collecting things, maybe hoarding things, maybe not having a focused purpose in life, having a phony purpose in life, and they're betraying themselves. They're not taking the time to say what is really important to me. What if I always loved since childhood? What would make my life feel so different, like a blank canvas that I can paint on, and it's a picture, a lovely picture that I enjoy looking at, rather than a canvas every day that looks a little drab or maybe even negative. And I know that I'm part of the problem. That's no fun. It's no fun to go through life like that.

So if you're wondering how you can enjoy your life better, one of the key things that you want to focus on is purpose, having a purpose that you enjoy, and that doesn't mean duty. It means anything but duty. It's not that you're living other people's life. It is truly your own life. So whether you want to pursue a specific career, assuming it's rational and it's not drinking and drugging and gambling and the rest, but a career that's reasonable and you have the ability to do it, go for it. If it's way beyond your ability, if, for example, for me, brain surgery, then I need to rethink and design a different purpose. But you want to have something in the area of hobbies and friendships. You want to have purpose in multiple areas in your life, especially with your main endeavors, your main career. What you do every day?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this. NAD.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

It is very important to communicate constantly, even on difficult topics, such as thoughts of flirting or worse. Some benefits of such open communication are it promotes honesty and integrity. You are not attempting to live a double life. You are not faking an attraction to your partner while secretly fantasizing about having an affair with Sherry or Jay. It enhances trust and communicates how much you value your partner. Boy, if she could share that with me, I can really trust her. She must really value me more than Jay. It helps you and your partner communicate about the possible reasons for an extramarital attraction, and thus allows you to address a problem. I want us to spend more time together. It bothers me to see you drinking every night. I miss the way you used to look and dress. You were so sexy.

Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.