The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and@amazon.com

Smell my hands. I'm just so proud. I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it myself. It's part of a new kick I'm on, which is what—I'm learning to be handy. I depend too much on other people, so I'm doing it myself. Feel that. Tell me that's not the start of a first-rate callous. I got my first work shirt this morning, and tonight, I'm tackling the squeaky hasp on my cigar humidor.

And that's from Fraser. And of course, he's focusing on just minor things, you know, filling up your gas tank and the rest. To try to be independent—independent more fully—means thinking for yourself and having the courage to act on your own independent judgment. Say, someone says, "Let's go to a movie. You'll love this movie," and you don't like the movie, but you don't want to—you say you don't want to hurt their feelings, but really, you're feeling insecure yourself, so you don't know how to assert yourself. And that's lack of independence. Or you're dependent on other people for your income, or you're dependent on other people to feel good about yourself. You falsely place your self-esteem in others. You don't want to do that.

Independence is a primary virtue for yourself. That means it's some guidance to making choices in your life—thinking for yourself, acting, thinking well for yourself. Not just, you know, seat-of-the-pants thinking, but giving something that's important—such as a relationship—some thoughtful analysis and looking at it from different angles and figuring out where to go with it is important for you.

Now that being said, I have to say that I once got stuck in the rain—ah, way before cell phones—in a little, I think it was a Fiat car at the time, with a flat tire, far away from any phone booths, far away from any place. It was pouring rain. It's just me and my car and a flat tire. And AAA wouldn't do me any good, because I didn't have a phone to call them, and I had never changed a tire in my life. I didn't even know where it was located. You know, we take so much for granted.

And so I just put on my raincoat and, in the pouring rain, figured out where the tire was hidden in the car. Got these little cheap tools—you know, it wasn't an expensive car—so I had to take something called lug nuts off. And I didn't—they were probably put on my car with a heavy machine. So I had to manually take them off. And I worked, and I pounded, I used all my weight. I'm not a big person. I'm 110 pounds—all my weight against those lug nuts. I got that tire changed, and I want to tell you—or maybe I'll let you guess—what emotion I felt after I changed that tire.

I felt like I could take on the world. And it's not the tire per se, but it was my attitude of: I can handle this. A crisis can happen. In this case, it's obviously a mini crisis. But something can happen, and I can manage in my life. I can change tires. I can accomplish other things. Now, obviously I went back to school for a PhD, so I did accomplish a lot. But you want to nurture that attitude in yourself—that "I can do it" attitude in whatever form that it shows up in your life.

If you're afraid—let's say that you're afraid of spiders—you want to get an "I can do it, I can overcome this phobia." If you're afraid of public speaking, you want to get that feeling of, "I can do it." You want to give yourself the gifts of focusing on any fears that you have that you think are not founded in reality. Obviously we would all be afraid of a hit man. But a spider—I mean, unless it's a black widow spider—if it's just your garden-variety garden spider, you want to get over fears like that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hello, Dr. Kenner. What insights can you offer regarding the decorum of pursuing a woman who has a boyfriend? I am getting to know a waitress at a restaurant I frequent on weekends, and I find her attractive enough to want to know her more intimately, but she has a boyfriend. My planned approach is to start talking to her about him and feel her out to see where she stands with him. Not a bad idea. If she's serious with him, such as on the verge of engagement, of course I won't bother. What exactly should I look for?

This is his second question as such: more subtle indicators that she may be ready to move on from him. Thank you, Larry.

Larry, I am so glad that my husband pursued me even when I had just broken up with a boyfriend, but was on the verge of possibly going back with him or going back with another old boyfriend. I was in college at the time. And my ex-boyfriend had been a really nice person, but even though I was dating him, I knew we had philosophical differences. I knew we had them. He tended more towards the mystical stuff, and I wanted no mysticism in my life. So in the long run, it never would have worked out. And I am a much better match—a phenomenal match—with my husband.

So that's my way of saying, man, give that waitress her options, and you can give yourself options of letting her know that you're interested in her. In one sense, you have absolutely nothing to lose. I mean, you may be a little embarrassed. It may be an awkward moment. But I suspect, if she's like most decent women, she will enjoy your open expression of admiration and attraction and interest in her—even if she doesn't reciprocate or even if she likes her boyfriend very much.

Thank you. And let you know that the next policy that I—the next thing that—a piece of advice I want to give is that my husband dated a lot before we met. I did also. But he had this wonderful policy that helped him in the self-esteem realm. He wasn't afraid of being rejected. He had a sentence that he said to himself—Hey, I—

Gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

He wasn't afraid of being rejected. He had a sentence that he said to himself: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." That was it. So when women rejected him, it was like, "Oh well, tried that, and I'll ask another woman out." And so he was able to date many women over the years. And that really worked out well for both of us, because it isn't like we got married out of high school and had never dated and didn't know what our options were. We know that we selected each other from a range of options. We had met a lot of people and had done a lot of thinking. And we are each other's wonderful choice.

So I think it's totally fine to approach the waitress and to say something along the lines—you'll find your own words, of course—"I wish you weren't dating—" something, I don't know, let's give her a name, Mary—"Mary, I wish you weren't dating. I'd love to take you out for coffee or lunch sometime so you can be waited on. I enjoy your company. I enjoy chatting."

Now, I would not mention dinner right away because people—women—sometimes feel some pressure for sex. You know, you take them out for dinner, you pay, you're there for a long time, you invest—oh, maybe even steak and wine—and then it's just awkward. I think the beginning dates—just starting something with coffee and lunch—are better.

Or you could say something else. You could say something along the lines of, "Mary, I know you're dating Joe, and I'm really curious about your relationship because I want to get to know you better, and I don't want to interfere if you guys are happy together. But it may be hard to keep me away." Now you got to say this with a smile—otherwise she'll think you're a stalker.

Now, she may say, "You know, Larry, I am happily dating." However, in private—however, in private—she may reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend. Maybe there are some problems like I had, and she would reconsider. And you may be on the top of the list.

So I would say, go for it.

Now you asked, what are some subtle indicators that she may be ready to move on from the boyfriend? Well, one, if she talks about the boyfriend, or if you see him come into the shop and there are some negatives. You know, we all pick up immediately the emotional cues that we see with one another. And also watch her body language and her tone of voice with you. Does she seem interested? Is she giving you a little bit of the flirtatiousness that goes beyond just being a waitress? So we all know those subtle cues, and I think if you sat down and named them to yourself, you'd do fairly well.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this. NAD,

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

A note on selfish romance: Of course, you can do non-sacrificial favors. Let's look at this issue from a genuinely loving perspective. If you adore your partner, you will selfishly enjoy doing things to please him or her. This doesn't just mean ceasing the annoying negative things such as calling your partner "fatty" or refusing to help around the house. It also means giving your partner positive values such as listening attentively, writing love notes, and bringing flowers. This is such an important topic that we devote all of Part Four to how to nurture your love for one another.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com