The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @Amazon.com.

Mark, you're having some difficulty in your marriage.
Yes, I do, yeah. What's up with it?
Well, I don't know. We fell just a few months ago, actually, about eight months ago, set them up very quickly, and we were very, very happy together.
Oh, so you married eight months ago. You met eight months ago.
We met eight months ago, and got married about three and a half months ago.
Oh, wow, yes. Okay, I was super happy to finally have found the person that I was looking for, and now we're having some problems, especially in the forms of communication and everything is black and white with her, so it's a little difficult.
Can you give me one, one good example of that, what's going on that I can help you with?
Well, the ultimate reason why I first called is because this morning we had a little bit of an argument where she called me that I am selfish because I want to do a lot of things together with her, like we used to do all the time, and I don't find myself selfish at all, because I really try to go out of my way to do anything for her that could make her happy and benefit the relationship, but my question basically is, when she said to me, I want you to do whatever you want whenever you want, doesn't that, in itself, imply a very selfish behavior? Doesn't that imply that she wants to do whatever she wants whenever she wants?

It may be her backwards way of saying that I want more freedom, I want more breathing room in the relationship, and I feel like we're doing too much together, and I need more space. You know, that may be the case. What else might it be?
Well, I know she wants a little bit more space, but I mean, wouldn't that be selfish to say I want to do whatever I want, whenever I wish?

Um, the word selfish is a very slippery term. Let me explain that a little bit, because I think it may help you. Mark, on one hand, selfish is usually taken to mean you're mean-spirited, you're going to do whatever you want and not care what your wife wants to do. It's your way or the highway. You know, it's... and that's, that's typically how people think of selfish. But really, that type of person who is trying to control other people and make them do whatever they want to do is not a self-valuing person. They're self-destructive. They have to control other people. They don't admire themselves. They're afraid inside, and they're not very pleasant. They're not pleasant to be around at all. However, there's a different meaning to selfishness, where the word 'self' really means something. It means...

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is! The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free @selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

There's a different meaning to selfishness where the word 'self' really means something. It means like self-esteem, self-interest, self-valuing. That you really value your own mind and your own personal goals. And if you're married, you value your partner, because that's your—you chose your partner, right?
Right. Yeah, exactly.
And that is a wonderful selfishness. There's a book I can recommend called The Virtue of Selfishness, okay? And it's very liberating because it teases apart the two selfish—the very bad connotation of selfishness, which is really self-destructiveness, and the rational self-valuing, which is really healthy for both of you. That requires honesty and communication.
And I think your wife isn't being upfront with you. I think when she says, "Do what you want. You can do whatever you want. I don’t care," she’s basically wanting to state her needs indirectly, which is what you're thinking, right?

Yeah, I’m thinking that she wants to do what I mean, and I'm fine. I'm happy to give her her personal space as she so wishes. But I mean, is it so hard to communicate and say, "Okay, listen, honey, today I’m going to go do this, this, and this"? Okay, fine. But she believes in, "Well, I'm not a talker, I’m a doer, so you just watch me." But I do, but like, I should just...

Wait a minute, slow down a little bit more, because I lost you there. Who’s the talker and who’s the doer?

Well, I am a very extroverted person. She’s very introverted. She just sits there for a couple of hours all by herself, thinking. And I asked, “What’s going on? What are you thinking about?”
Just stuff that I need to do.
Yeah, when asked, “So what are you gonna do today?”
“Well, you will see.”
And then she’s gone.
Okay, so something, she’s not being upfront with you. It’s good that she’s doing thinking, but it depends on the quality of the thinking. Some people, let’s say that she feels like she’s trapped. She got married too soon because you guys were—you only met eight months ago, and you were married, you said, three and a half months ago. So let’s say that she just feels like she, you know, in all of this wonderful newness, settling in, you know, being married, having the partner, people always find differences. And she may be sitting back saying, "Oh my God, maybe I rushed into this." How old are you guys?

She will be 30 this year, and I will be 33, so you're in your 30s.
Yeah.
Okay, so she may have thought it. She may be having some questions or some doubts, or she may... I don't know what's going on, but that's one of the very difficult things in a relationship is if a partner is afraid to talk to the other person. So you want to find some methods to draw her out, not to try to solve her sitting there quietly, but to give her invitations to talk. And you said you're outgoing, you do do that. You want to learn the skills called active listening, where you say, "Tell me more. And how else are you feeling? And what are you thinking of doing?" It's like you help guide her thinking without doing the thinking for her, and she may be willing to talk. Or you could even go to... you could even say, "Listen, I really want to be able to know what's going on, because it's torture for me. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind, and it may be real negative. It may not be negative at all, but I really would love for you to talk when you're ready. Let's talk sometime this week." You can give her an invitation like that too, or you could see if she would go to couples counseling.

Well, we have talked about that because I feel that... I mean, the whole communication is a real problem.
Right, right.
And I mean, I... yeah. Why don’t you go to my website, doctor, and we’re right at the end of time, Mark. If my website is DrKenner.com and I have books there, Asserting Yourself. There are other books that that one may not be there, but that one’s a good book. There are other books too that you could read that can help you connect better with her and talk with her. For more...
Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

NAD: Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Romantic love is the most selfish of all emotions. It means that you deeply care about your partner’s welfare, health, pleasure, success, and happiness. Your loved one is an irreplaceable personal treasure, someone to be nurtured and protected with whom you want to grow and thrive as an equal partner for life. It’s someone whom you miss when you are away and whom you delight in seeing upon your return. It’s someone you love to talk to, to touch, to be near, to make love, to take delight in. Without that person, there would be a huge, irreplaceable void in your life, because he or she makes your life complete. And all this applies to your partner’s view of you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @Amazon.com.