The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com, and let's turn to the phones now. And Josh, you have a question?

Yes, I'm just calling to check up on my romantic life.

Okay, it's your romantic life that you have a question about. What's your question?

Well, basically, I was calling because my girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We were together for, like, three years, and I was just wondering—I don't know—if any friends will come along within the next year or so, something like that.

Oh, you're wondering if you'll ever find anybody else again?

Yeah.

Is that the problem? You broke up a few months ago?

No, we broke up—like, it's been like a month. We've been together for, like, three years.

Okay, and so your biggest concern is, "Is there anybody else out there for me?" And you're how old?

I'm twenty—twenty-five.

Okay, if you were 99 years old, guess what I might say? [Josh laughs] What is the laugh telling you? What do you already know about the question?

You probably have a slim chance.

If you were 99, right. But at your age now, twenty years old—what do you think are the chances of a twenty-year-old who wants to find a partner, who wants a romantic relationship? What are the chances of that?

It's probably, like, close to 100%.

Yeah, that's cool. So how would you go about doing it? What thoughts have crossed your mind?

Well, I don't know. I mean, like, I already had been attracted to my girl, but then we ended up breaking up, so I don't know right now.

You don't know—go ahead.

I don't know how to put it together right now.

Well, what's broken? What's not put together?

The whole situation. I mean, like, we just broke up, and I'm just looking for friends to chat with, like girls and stuff, and just hang out. Get to know them.

Well, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. If you broke up just a month ago—you said one month ago, and you've been together for three years. Who broke up? Did she break up, or did you break up?

Yeah, me and her just split up because we weren't communicating right, and things just weren't right at the time.

Okay, that's floating for me. What didn't you enjoy? What did you not enjoy in the relationship, Josh?

Basically, her just being the way she is—like, she'd take off hanging out with girls, and her just being insecure about stuff.

So you didn't feel like she cared about you? She was more into herself?

Yeah.

How old was she?

Twenty—she just turned twenty-six.

You got someone older, huh?

Yeah.

Is that what you're—you prefer dating someone older?

Well, it depends if we get along and we have a good communication level.

Yeah. So, what went wrong on your part? If you could look at just what you wish you had done differently—I understand that you see that she is a "me-only" type person—what do you think you could have done better in the relationship to make it run more smoothly?

I tried to do everything. I mean, like, I always hung out with her because we were basically staying together.

Okay.

I mean, like, I tried to do everything. I tried to get her flowers and write a note, cook her dinner, like, do those little small things to show her I appreciate her.

And what did she do when you did those lovely things for her?

She said, "You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that." So she felt awkward with it.

She sounds like she didn't like it. She didn't say, "Oh, thank you so much, Josh. That's wonderful!" Instead, she felt awkward—it's like, "Oh, don't do that."

Yeah.

So you need to hear that in a person. People have what is called different love languages. For example, if my husband showered me with gifts—do you think I would have a big smile on my face if he brought me diamond rings and bracelets and the rest? Do you think I would have a big smile on my face?

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it—a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

"Romance…I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship."

"Well, I wish I knew more about what I want."

"Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com, and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting."

If my husband showered me with gifts—do you think I would have a big smile on my face if he brought me diamond rings and bracelets and the rest? Do you think I would have a big smile on my face?

He probably would.

The answer is—

The girl would have a smile on her face.

A diamond ain't my best friend! They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but they're not mine. I would feel insulted, like he felt like he had to buy me—like he didn't—yeah, you know that's not what I like. But some people do value gifts. To some people, it's legitimately meaningful. To me, it isn't—I prefer something smaller.

So I don't like big bouquets of flowers. He needs to know what my love languages are. I love words. I love it when he tells me how he feels about me. I love it when he helps out around the house—that makes me feel romantic. That makes me feel closer to him. I love it when we talk about going away together. And he may have slightly different love languages—you know, he may not like the words as much. He may prefer—

The touch. I think guys shy away from the words, though—from words.

Yeah.

I mean, from love and all that, and stuff like that.

Well, then it would put you in a very good place if you're looking for a new partner, and if you know your competition doesn't have the courage—doesn't have the ability to put into words what they're feeling—but you do. Do you think you'd make a better partner?

Yeah.

You do, if you could tell a woman what you value in her?

Yeah, definitely.

Oh yeah.

You telling a woman—yeah, but I'd love the girl to tell me how she feels, too, you know? I mean, make me feel like, "Okay, I'm comfortable with her."

Right, so if you tell her what you value in her—and do it specifically. You can't just say, "You're great." Because if I said to you, "Josh, you're a great guy…"

That's what she tells me, too—"You're a good guy. You're a good guy."

Yeah, to me, that floats. It's not good enough. I want to hear what you observe in me that you think is great. If my husband said, "Ellen, you're great," and I said, "Why?" and he says, "Because you have a nice tan," oh my god—that's so superficial! If he said, "Ellen, you're great," and I said, "Why?" and he said, "Because I like the way you dealt with the kids. That was a sticky situation, and you were very generous to both of them," or "You worked something out really well between the two kids," now that makes me feel good because it's something specific.

So there's a skill in giving praise or criticism. It's important to be very specific—not to say "You're a jerk," or "You're terrific," but to be specific. So that's one very quick communication skill. But I would go ahead—and you don't want your words to be phony, that's important too—but I would go ahead and look. If you need some time just to grieve the ending of the relationship, that's fine. You take a little time off. But then, Josh, I would go ahead and learn some communication skills.

There are books on my website. There's a book, Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work, which is a decent book. And you can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and that should give you some good information to have the skills to meet new people and to have a successful romantic relationship.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.