The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Noah, you're in a relationship that's a little bit problematic.

Yeah, I believe—I thank you for taking my call, Dr. Kenner. I think that my scenario here—I've just gotten finished supporting my wife through 10 years of her education into her career path. And I believe she's at that stage of nesting, and now she wants to separate from me and get her own place at that same moment that I was ready to go to school myself. So I want to be able to support her in this situation that she's going through and at the same time try to handle the depression of this paradox that I’m in.

So you're depressed, yeah, saying that you're depressed. And so she's—you've been married for how many years?

We've been married for seven years. Six years—will be seven in October. We've been together for 10.

Okay, you’ve been together for 10 years, and you helped her—tell me, where—the “ma’am” is coming from North Carolina.

Okay.

I should have guessed that. You guys are trained in manners, and we are not up here in the East. Let's see. So you’ve been together for six years, right? And you worked hard. Did you go back to school too? Or you're waiting—you put your going back on hold?

I also put my art career on hold just to take, like, a full-time, regular, everyday job working in retail management to help provide for us while my wife was going through to her bachelor's and her master's. And we went through three different moves across the country in order for her to realize her dreams. And every time we moved, we stayed for about two years until she found that this wasn’t really what she wanted.

And you've been living in her shadow.

Exactly.

Now, with some couples, that works very well—meaning that one partner will kind of, you know, earn the money while the other one goes back to school, and then they swap places, which is what I'm hearing that you had anticipated.

Exactly.

And yet it seems like she's gained her education, and now it sounds like she wants her independence from you. What's she telling you?

What she’s telling me is that she believes that I've been unhappy for years, and she wants to help me to make the changes I need because she doesn’t feel she can hold on to a relationship with a person that's unhappy. So she wants me to follow the path that I want, so that I can come back to her later—a year, two, or three years down the road—and show her that I am a happy person.

Okay, so I'm hearing several things. If someone said that to me, the first thought would be, oh, isn’t that nice? Yes, she wants me to follow the career of my choice. And then it’s like—but she’s leaving me for two years. Is this just her way of gently releasing me so she can move on—with a promise that may never come true, that she’ll come back when I’m happy again?

Right.

Is that what it sounds like to you?

It is. That’s the situation.

Okay. Have you been trying to hold on to her? Is that the scenario? What have you been doing?

I’ve been trying to hold on to the dream of what we had—starting a farm together, building a house for her parents, going back to school for horticulture therapy. So I’ve been holding on to the dream of us, and at the same time, we haven’t even slept in the same room since December of last year.

So you had a lot of warning signs that she was unhappy with the relationship.

And that I ignored.

That you ignored, and that you sacrificed for many years—not thinking it was a sacrifice, thinking it was a trade.

A commitment.

Yeah, devotion.

Yeah.

That’s the difference though. If it’s a trade, meaning I’ll rub your back, you rub mine—you go back to school, then I’ll go back to school—that works out well. However, in this case, it’s—you rubbed her back, and then she decided to leave.

Yeah.

And has she—it—you haven’t been sleeping together. You’re not divorced yet. Are you separated or—

Neither. I sleep in the garage that was converted into a room. It’s my craft and sewing room. And she sleeps in the bedroom, in the bed that I built her.

Oh. What do you sew?

I make clothing.

Do you?

Yes.

What type of clothing?

Just a lot of theater clothing and stuff—wedding outfits, theater clothing, wedding outfits.

Now tell me—is that something that, if you had your dream career, what would it be?

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Now tell me—is that something that, if you had your dream career, what would it be?

I would be a hobby farmer.

A hobby farmer? What—you mean to have it as a hobby?

Well, a small-scale farmer that utilizes their land for farmers markets, for bringing interns and stuff out to the land to teach them about permaculture—permanent agriculture, horticulture therapy, stuff like that.

Noah, can you tell me about the energy in your voice?

Frustration and anxiety and fear.

Okay. That’s not what I meant. I understand that that’s how you’re feeling, but when you just talked about being a hobby farmer—tell me about your energy.

It’s passionate. It is—like, it’s a plateau of spiritual bliss.

Okay, well then—is there a way that you can pursue that direction?

Yeah, absolutely.

Can you make a living on it?

No, you can’t.

Okay, so you will still need your day job. Do you have kids at all together?

No, ma’am.

Okay. That makes life a lot easier. So let me sum up what I’m hearing so far. You’re married, and already you’ve had many warning signs that she has lost interest in you. That this dream, this fantasy that you’ve been planning for years—I mean, you’ve built the farm, you’ve set up a house for her, for the parents, sent her to school, and you have this wonderful dream of the two of you.

If that dream has ceased to exist—meaning, if she threw in the cards maybe a year ago when you stopped sleeping together—then the principle, a very painful one, but it’s a principle that is true: You cannot force her mind. You can try pity, you can try to bribe her, you can try threats. All of those will not get you a loving partner.

Right.

And so what you need to do is to release yourself—lovingly release yourself and pursue that passion that you have. If you didn’t have any passion, you’d be in a lot worse shape. But you have a lot of passion. Do you meet other people too? In theater, if you’re doing the costumes, if you’re sewing wedding outfits—are you meeting people?

No, because I honestly haven’t been doing it for the last five years, because I’ve been working 70 hours a week. And so I haven’t really met anybody, and we move every two years, so I haven’t made any acquaintances.

What would you like to do if you separate and divorce? What would be—what would be a career or a lifestyle that you would enjoy?

Probably go back to costuming.

You would enjoy that.

Yeah. It’s one of those things—sewing on a machine—you experience all levels of emotion in just one outfit. And so it’s nice because it works all that passion and creative force that you would want in sexuality out of your system.

Okay, well, my guess is that there’s a little more to sex—that you still want to find a partner. I would recommend that you be very good to yourself. I don’t want you to be chasing her when she’s already said sayonara to you. I would face the facts and start to separate with her.

If she changes course midstream, you can go there with her—you can listen to her. But take your happiness seriously. And that means start thinking of eventually having a different romantic partner. But before you do that, you want to give yourself a life that you would enjoy—whether it’s the hobby farmer or costuming. Think that you want to pursue your dreams.

Don’t make the mistake of living in someone else’s shadow again. This time, it’s your turn. Okay? And if you get into a relationship, it’ll be a trade though. Thank you so much for the call, Noah, and I wish you some romantic happiness in the future—maybe not with your current partner, though.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

We’ve got to do something, Pierre. Mother—she’s not getting any better. In fact, she may be getting worse.
Oh, she’ll be fine, Mrs. Spencer. She just needs a little time.
Time is running out! This cotillion is a huge event. Now, Caitlin’s father and I have spent a fortune on the party. All of her friends are coming, and I will not have her looking like a—
I just—I just want Caitlin to feel secure.

I understand. And have you had a parent in your life who just wants you to do everything right? The cotillion is coming, or maybe it’s a graduation, or maybe it’s a family party, and they put so much pressure on you—to say the right thing, to do the right thing, to think the right thing, to feel the right thing—that it’s enough to give anybody an anxiety attack.

And if you’re dealing with a parent like that, just—at least, if you can’t change the parent, which I know you can’t—at least tell yourself that it’s Mom, not me, or It’s Dad, not me.

This was from a very cute movie Take the Lead, and the girl’s learning how to dance. And of course, I love ballroom dancing, and it brings such joy to my life and my husband’s life—and now my son’s life too. I got a smile on my face there, and that was not our doing. He started dating a woman who was a ballroom dancer, and talk about motivation!

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

Partners should not let children undermine their romantic relationship. Michelle Weiner-Davis writes:
“One of the biggest mistakes I see women make in their marriages is that once the children are born, they forget they have husbands.”

Tending to your romantic relationship requires that you plan time alone without the children. There are several options here, such as romance when the kids are asleep, on weekends when the kids are doing things with their friends or staying with relatives, and during short romantic getaways. While children require and deserve a great deal of care and attention, so too does your intimate partner.

Don’t forget that your partner is your top social value.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.