The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

And right now, we're turning to the phones and speaking with LaShawn.

LaShawn, yeah, did I pronounce that right?

That's correct.

Wonderful. Tell me your situation and your question.

I've been dating this guy for about two months. I know he only likes me, because when we first started talking, he told me he had been watching me for two years.

He had been watching you?

Watching me, yeah.

How did he watch you?

He would see me around town. And he told me my tag number. He told me my hairstyle I usually wear. I mean, he was like, actually, he was very interested in—

So he's been admiring you and wanting to be with you. What's the tag number?

I'm sorry, what is it?

Oh, license plate number.

Yes.

Okay, okay.

Then we started talking, everything was fine. I actually moved six months ago away from where he currently lives. So I'm in a different county. I'm an hour 45 minutes away. So he saw me that night in the nightclub, and he was like, “Oh, I have—” you know, he came up to me like, “I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?” And I told him that I had moved. And he was like, “Well, I really want to get to know you better, you know, I've been watching you,” and so forth and so on. And I'm like, “Well, I moved. I mean, is that going to be okay with you?” And he's like, “Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I can come up any time to visit you,” and all that stuff. So I'm like, “Okay.” Seems like he really likes me.

It sure does. Now, where are you now? You've been dating him for two months, you said?

Yes, we're in different counties, and—

So you're about two hours away, an hour and three quarters away from one another?

Yes.

And you're trying to figure out, what, if he's the one?

Well, that, and also he told me—he was straight up and honest—he was having a hard time. He's still living in the same house with his baby's mom. Barely. It's not up until January.

Okay. What do you know about this? So he's already—he has a committed relationship with someone else?

It's not com—I don't think it's committed.

How long have they been together?

They've been together for about seven years.

Seven years, okay. And the baby's how old?

A year old.

Okay. But he never married her?

No.

What went wrong there?

I think it was just a lot of—I think they've just like grown apart from each other.

Okay. How much detail do you have about that situation?

Just what he gave me.

Do you still have questions about it, like were there any problems? What was their sexual life like? Why would they break up with one another? Were there any problems like gambling or drinking, or any hidden problems?

I think there's a lot of hidden problems. There's a lot of disagreements. I think she's sure—he likes to, like, go out. And I think it's to the point where, because he stays out really late, he said because he doesn't want to go home.

Okay.

It's gotten to the point where she does her thing and he does his thing. They're living there because of the lease.

What's puzzling you about this situation right now? What's making your forehead wrinkle a little?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What's puzzling you about this situation right now? What's making your forehead wrinkle a little?

I know he likes me, because when we're together, we're together. The only thing is, I don't know if he's playing games with me. I don't know if he's using me to pull away from her.

Okay. So you would be like a rebounder. You would be someone that he—a stepping stone out of a relationship?

Exactly.

Okay. You need to judge him very—there are two—several layers that you judge a person, that you evaluate someone that's a potential partner. How old are you now?

I'm 28. He's 25.

Okay, so he's a tad younger.

And there are several things that you look for. The first one is character. This is non-negotiable. You need to ask any questions that come to your mind. You don't have to do it in an inquisitive, lawyer-type style, like, “You know, who else have you had sex with?” But you do need—you do want to know his history, because you need to evaluate: is he the one? Is he someone that I would want to get committed to, and I don't want to be blinded just by his admiration of me for two years while he was in another relationship with a woman and had a baby with her, right?

So you want to ask—you want to look at: is he honest? Did he have the capacity to deceive her? If he did, could he deceive you? What is his history with his family? Talk to his friends. Say, “So tell me—tell me what I don't know. What's his first name?”

Henry.

Henry. “Tell me about Henry. What was it like growing up with Henry? Tell me some funny stories. Tell me some of the stories that—tell me some interesting stories.” You know, you want to get information, if that's available to you. If you have an opportunity to get together with his family or friends, you want to ask him about those. You're judging moral issues now. And I don't mean Judeo-Christian morality. I mean a rational morality.

Is he honest? Does he have integrity? Does he say what he means? Is he productive? Does he have a good career? Would he be a good breadwinner, or would he want a free ride in life? Is he loving? Is he attentive, and can he preserve that over time?

If you ever had a baby with him, you'd be dealing with a complicated situation, because he already has another child, right?

Yeah.

So that woman would be in your life, if he doesn’t abandon that other child. If he does abandon the other child, that’s a complicated situation too. You know, there’s some baggage that comes along with him. What was his childhood like? How does he treat his child? How attentive is he?

So you want to make sure that, as you said, you don’t want to feel like a sucker. You want to value your own life enough so that you make sure he's got a good character, just as if you had a kid and you were looking for a babysitter. You would interview those people quite well. You would check their references, right?

You're right.

So you want to look at him carefully. And then there are optional issues. These are not moral issues. But I mean, if I dated somebody who was the top Red Sox player, we would not be a match. I hate baseball. So even though it's not a moral issue—he can play baseball, that's a legitimate hobby or career in life—but we would not be a good match.

If somebody dated me and didn't like psychology or didn't like ballroom dancing, we would not be a match. I love ballroom dancing. So you get to know a person in layers. You won’t get to know him all at once, but be careful not to be overcome by that wonderful, electric feeling of passion to the point that you forget to be a detective and ask the good questions and evaluate him carefully and project forward and see if you would want to have another baby in your life too.

So hope that helps. Thank you so much for the call, LaShawn.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Everyone knows about the need for foreplay and intimacy, but afterplay is important too. Cuddling for a while and exchanging loving words are usually a treasured form of afterplay. If you roll over and go to sleep right away or leave abruptly, your partner may feel like a sex toy or object.

If your partner enjoyed it, this teaches you what your partner likes and dislikes, so you'll know what to repeat and what not to repeat, and how to make the next experience more pleasurable. Be sympathetic and caring. Make it clear you want your partner to feel loved and fulfilled. If your partner makes a reasonable suggestion, promise to act on it in the future.

Feedback is important because resentments about unfulfilled desires can lead to a downward trajectory in the relationship. Never be defensive, or you will stop getting feedback.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com