The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com

Marina, welcome to the show.
Oh, thank you.
And did I pronounce your name right?
Yes, you did.
Oh, wonderful. Tell me your situation and what your question is.

Well, I'm pretty positive I'm in an abusive relationship. It seems to be mostly emotional, and it's a controlling relationship, and I'm really trying to figure out how I can go about getting myself some assistance and what I should do from this point on, because as of recently, in the last week and a half, I just found out about an affair that has occurred.

Okay, so your boy—is it boyfriend or husband?
Husband of 15 years.
Fifteen years. Children?
Yes, two children.
How old are they?
Eleven and seven.
And so they've witnessed this relationship that you've had over the years?
Yes, and it's progressively gotten worse in the last, I'd say, four years.
And do you think that's when the affair may have started?

I found out that it was two years ago, and apparently it was with a co-worker, and he said it was a one-time event, and he ended it almost immediately, but kept it from me for two years.
Okay. And do you think that that's the case, or do you think that that's not the case?
Well, I'm just not real sure.
Okay. Do you want to leave him?
I'm getting to that point—not quite yet.

Okay, tell me what your evidence is that he's abusive.
Well, over the years, I've noticed he's changed quite a bit. Like I said, in the last four years, he's become extremely distant with me. He's done it for several years.
Distant—the dog barked right at that moment.
Yes, I'm sorry, yes.
Distant meaning what happens is that he will work all the time. He doesn't engage with the family.
Oh, so your kids have been abandoned.
Oh, pretty much. He's around on weekends, when it's convenient, or I think when it occurs to him that he hasn't been around. Yeah, he engages in work. We own a corporation. He controls all the financial money.
So you're not financially strapped though?
No, no.
Okay, so he controls the money, but he controls what comes and goes.
Yeah.
He's distant. Does he give you a budget?
He'll give me pretty much the same amount every two weeks, and then the rest stays in the corporate...

Is the amount reasonable given the income that you both make?
No, no it isn't.
So he's stingy?
Pretty bad.
Yeah, and you think that's one of the elements of control?
Yes.

And then he'll make major purchases and not tell me, and there'll be things that I would like to do around the house. For example, we moved into a new home two years ago—almost three years ago, excuse me—and he doesn't let me buy furniture. He'll just say, “This is the amount of money I'm giving you. You should be able to do it with this.”
You don't own your own life at this point.
No, I do not at all.
Okay, and you would like to escape from this prison, correct? At least most of you would.

Let me give you just a few signs of domestic abuse, and we'll do it as a checklist.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills—30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where’s that ad I saw?
Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.
Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Let me give you just a few signs of domestic abuse, and we’ll do it as a checklist.

Put-downs?
Yes.
Calling you names?
Jokes, mostly.
Okay, sarcastic or loving?
Sarcastic.
Okay, put-downs. Right.

Constant criticism?
Not constantly, no.
Okay, but there is criticism.
In public or in private?
Both.
Any humiliation about your character, about your body?
No.
Okay. Making you feel at times like you’re crazy, doubting your own mind?
Yes. “Maybe it’s me.”
Okay, that’s just point one of ten.

Tries to control you?
Yes.
Oh yeah.

Isolating you from family and your friends?
Not outwardly, no. But he does it in a different kind of way, like I’ll say, “I want to go to visit,” and then he just doesn’t want to be part of it. And then I will choose, usually, just to stay home because I want to be with the family together.

Can I recommend that you don’t do that next time? That you don’t put more controls on yourself during this period than you need?
Okay.
So some of the times, go with family and friends.
Okay.
Unless your kids are at risk. But it doesn’t sound like he’s hit anybody.
No.
Okay. Is he jealous at all? Is he possessive? Are you attractive in a way that may attract other men?

Oh yes, he does get very jealous because he says I'm extremely attractive, and it does bother him. But he doesn’t do it in an angry way. He’ll just tell me, “I’m jealous that you went out with your girlfriend, and I don’t like when you looked that night.”

Has he ever accused you of an affair?
Yes.
Okay, and I’m assuming you haven’t had any?
No.
Okay.

Does he ever check up on you—look at your phone calls, figure out where you are during the day?
No, actually, he never, ever engages.
He doesn’t. So he’s more of a distancing abuser, rather than somebody that’s in your face.
And he’s obviously not hitting you—you said that’s not happening.

Sex—is it mutual? Is it loving? This is a silly question, I know the answer. Or is it one way?

Generally, it actually is. That tends to be the nice aspect of our relationship.
Oh, is it?
Yeah, for you too?
So he's gentle, he's kind, and it's mutual. You're enjoying it too?
Yes.
Oh yeah.
Oh, well, congratulations on that.
Okay, so is he doing any guilt-tripping with you? Intimidating you? Sulking?
What do you mean? In what way?

Maybe just saying, “Why can’t you stay with me,” but not just one time—more as a way of trying to control you.
“I can’t believe you spent that much money. This is what you have to do now. You have to get this for me. You need to cook this. You need to…”

No, so he's not controlling in that way.
No.
Okay, so he gets some good marks, which is probably the part of you that wants to stay with him. But he’s done something where he’s totally violated your trust.

So if you’re looking for help, the first thing that I monitor for when leaving—if you’re considering leaving a relationship—is safety.

Are you safe? Does he have any guns, a hobby, knives, or anything like that?
Well, yeah, we have guns.
That’s one of our hobbies, actually.
Oh, mutual?
Yes.
So you're both trained?
Yes. And then our children actually shoot as well.
Okay, but they’re all put away?
And the kids know safety? I know you said they’re seven and eleven.
Yeah, they know the safety rules and everything else.
Absolutely.

Do you think that if you were to tell him today, “I’m considering leaving. Let’s go for counseling,” and it will be separation counseling, what would he say?

Gosh, I don’t know. To be honest with you, I don’t know what to expect from that one.

What if you said to him, “I think I’ll get some personal counseling”? What would he say to that?
He’d probably be fine with that, I think.
Okay. Why don’t you do that as a first step? Are you okay with that?
I am.
Then I would go ahead and get yourself some personal counseling.

You can go to websites—there’s a WomansHealth.org that you can go to. There’s a national 24-hour hotline with the Coalition Against Domestic Violence. But it sounds like he isn’t actually beating up on you—it’s just that he’s had an affair.

There’s also a book on my website that you can get, Marina: After the Affair, and the subtitle—let’s see, do I have it right in front of me? I do. The subtitle is Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

I’m not saying that you’re rebuilding the trust—what this book gives you is clarity. And many of my clients will read it and decide, “You know what, he will never make amends in the way that I need.” And now I have a good standard, because I’ve read this book and I’m considering leaving him, or I’m planning to leave him.

So it’s not that you have to stay together if you’re reading this book. The goal isn’t to stay together—it’s to see if there’s a possibility, or to see why it’s important to leave.

And the author is Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. S-P-R-I-N-G. It’s at my website, DrKenner.com.

Okay, so the key point that I would tell you is to seriously value your own happiness. And if you feel trapped and suffocated in this relationship, even though he’s not abusive, he’s betrayed your trust for several years.

So the burden is not on you to win him back—it’s on him to earn your trust, which takes time. You can’t just forgive and forget. And because he’s lied, you don’t know if there are other lies that he’s also held from you. He does things apart from you, which is not good.

You can also get a course that I gave, which is at the Ayn Rand—what is it—AynRand.org. Yeah, my website.
Okay.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please let us...

Into this net.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

In his book The Great Sex Secret, veteran sex educator Kim Marshall notes that women often lack intimate satisfaction because neither partner understands the essential role of specific body stimulation in achieving satisfaction. It is essential that partners openly communicate their preferences. Once you both accept that intimacy is pleasure for two, let yourselves experiment with variations in technique and style. Find out what you each like, and then ask for it in a mutually respectful way. “I’d really like to try X,” or “It feels really good when you do Y.” Partners need to banish embarrassment about intimacy.

Remember, intimate pleasure is one of the greatest gifts of being human, and it is both good and important in your lives together.

Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.