The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com.

Barb, welcome to the show.
Hello.
How are you?
Very good, thank you. Your question is?

I'm not exactly sure what my question is. I've been married for 35 years, and my husband recently decided that he likes to be in bars flirting with women. And, you know, I think it's the whole midlife crisis thing. And he's just recently, this past week, said that he thinks that maybe our marriage is over and he wants to move on. Now, I know you can't do anything to make anybody else do anything, but I'm just wondering, from my standpoint, is there anything that would help him maybe think about what he's doing or...

You know, I don’t know what you're up against. Do you know if he's attracted to another woman?

I don't know that he's attracted to another woman. Well, I know he was attracted to one woman, but I don't think it's any one woman in particular.

Yeah, what would you say are the main causes of him moving away from you?

I don't know. I think he resents being married for 35 years. He says that I've controlled everything for 35 years. But he's the type of person that when you ask him, "Where do you want to go eat?" he's like, "I don't know, wherever you say, wherever you want."

Okay, so he's been real passive in the relationship. He hasn't been a go-getter or a self-starter?

No, no, he has not.

And so he's sick of that. And now, after many years of saying, "Whatever you want, honey," it's "I'm sick of this. You're too controlling." And you sit there and go, "What do you mean controlling? I gave you many options, but you never chose," right?

Yeah.

So are you happy with him as a lifetime partner?

I do believe he is my lifetime partner.

In what sense? In what way does he bring you a lot of pleasure?

He is a very passionate, caring man when he is with you. I mean, you feel safe and secure. We just always seem to be able to really connect. I mean, really deep connect, but it's just grown apart.

You have children, I'm assuming?

Yes.

Are they grown now? How old?

Oh, they're old. They're 32 and 35.

Okay, so it isn't an issue of having young ones at home or teenagers at home?

No, no.

Has this been the first time this has happened in the 35 years?

No, this is actually the second time. The first time was about three years ago.

Okay, what helped him turn it around then?

We started going to counseling, and then he said that counseling didn't help him, and he just made up his mind that this was what he wanted. He told me at that time that he needed some space to decide between me and her, and he took, like, a month and actually went away to go to school for something and came back. And at the end of that month, he said he decided, and he was gonna... he decided that he did want to be with me, that it was going to be a decision that he made, and he would stick with it for the rest of his life. And, you know, he talked to everybody, and he knew that that was what he wanted. That was the right thing to do.

Okay, with him, you know, I might say to him in your situation something like, "Hey, I..."
Gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Okay, with him, you know, I might say to him in your situation something like, "What would you want to change in our relationship that would be enticing, that would make you want to stay together rather than separate?" What do you think he might answer?

I don’t... I think he would answer this week that there's nothing we... I honestly think that he would answer that there's nothing we can change that would save it.

So you're saying at this point—I'm assuming that you're him now, if we stay in role-play—you're saying, "Honey, at this point, there's nothing that makes you want to stay together in this relationship. You're pretty certain you'd be happier outside the relationship?"

I think the only thing he would stay with the relationship for is the family, the kids, and his grandchildren.

Okay, so that would be his motivation. If he's saying that it's the grandchildren, family, holidays, and the rest, then you could say to him, "What about... what else could we strengthen to make those values still important to you?" You know, to... excuse me, not still important, but to make it so that you could preserve those values. Now, the bottom line is, he may do none of these, and in that case, it may be water over the dam. Meaning he may just have been so bored in the relationship, or he may have found that it's much more exciting outside, meeting new women. Or maybe he has a girlfriend on the side that's saying, "You've got to leave your marriage. You'll be much happier with me." And he wants that. And what can you do if he absolutely wants that? You can ask him to go back to counseling. That seemed to work before, but if he says, "No, we tried that. It didn't work," he may want out. And then at that point, what do you need to do for yourself?

I'm sorry, what did you say?

What do you need to do for yourself?

What do I need to do for myself? I need to get on with my life.

Exactly. You have got to find the friends that you can connect with through this period. You've got to grieve your losses. You've got to find what brings you pleasure in life, what values, what hobbies, what interests. And then even look for another romantic partner, maybe not right away, but you need to move on if that's the case. So I would try to reach out to him, but if that doesn't work, I would certainly not spend too much time grieving the loss, because you want to value your life moving on.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

When you are in a sexual mood, how can you invite your partner to join you? Find out what your partner likes. For example, their favorite time of day, what arouses your partner—a bubble bath and wine, dancing in the living room, cuddling and kissing, a sensuous massage, watching romantic videos. It helps create the mood. If you make your partner feel sexually visible, tell your loved one what you like about him or her sexually, including physical attributes you adore and the physical movements you enjoy. Let your loved one know what other things you enjoy, being kissed on the neck, or wearing certain perfume or cologne, how to eliminate turn-offs like tickling or kissing during periods of important concentration, and what special ways your partner can dress and undress that excite you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.