The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

Here is an email that I received from Charlene, and this is the one about relationships. And she says, Dear Dr. Kenner, I need some advice. I'm currently in a relationship with Tom. I recently became friends with a co-worker, Andy, whom I immediately connected with. We started to hang out almost every day, more so than with my own boyfriend. I honestly did not think of Andy other than as just being his friend. As we started to hang out even more, we became a lot more comfortable and very flirtatious. Then two days ago, we ended up having sex. The funny thing is, we still treat each other the same, and nothing has changed between us. However, both of us feel a ton of guilt because I'm in a relationship with Tom. Andy and I decided to put our relationship on hold because of it, but unfortunately, now I'm so confused about Tom. I find myself constantly thinking of Andy. I keep telling myself I want to be with Tom, and I'm happy with him, but deep down inside, I have big doubts. I need help. Please advise.

Charlene.

Okay, Charlene, this reminds me of a song that I heard as a kid. I used to love this song by The Lovin' Spoonful. So those of you who are old enough will remember it. It's, "Did you ever have to make up your mind? Did you ever have to make up your mind, pick up on one and leave the other behind? It's not often, not often kind. Did you ever have to make up your mind?" So that's exactly the position that you're in.

Your boyfriend Tom, believe it or not, already knows that something is way off in the relationship. You can't hide those types of conflicts from someone that's intimate with you, who knows you so well. So he may detect, hey, I—

I've got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance — that is interesting.

You can't hide those types of conflicts from someone that's intimate with you, who knows you so well, so he may detect that you're not as relaxed and as caring as you were when you first fell in love. You may be acting weird around him or too overly helpful. You may be driven by guilt, or you may be reluctant to kiss him, feeling that you're cheating on Andy. He may even suspect that you've fallen for Andy, because you may have been talking about Andy, this good friend at work, and you light up when you talk about Andy. So if you try to keep it a secret, you're going to make your life hell. You're going to be deceiving Tom. You'll be living a double life, and you'll also be carrying that ugly guilt of betrayal and intensifying that guilt by not taking action.

But you need to do some keen introspective work before you touch base with Tom. You need to do this soon. You need to know how to disclose it tactfully, directly, and forthrightly. But the introspective work comes first. You need to understand yourself, your own emotions, and so I recommend that you do some real, careful thinking in private, on paper, uncensored. Toss the papers out later, because these are your private thoughts. But you're going to want to think about, what are your big doubts with Tom? What are they? You've got to be able to become very specific.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

And please listen to this excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Romantic sex is not at all like hedonism. Promiscuous or indiscriminate sex does not, in the end, bring much pleasure, and what little you do get is often followed by painful regrets, guilt, boredom, and possibly sexually transmitted diseases, some of which are incurable. Use your mind to discover which pleasures are good for you and which are against your self-interest, like illicit drugs. Sexual pleasure with someone you value contributes enormously to the joy in your relationship, and thus to your happiness with life. If you have contradictory or confused views of sex, it's important to gain a healthy perspective and uproot the damaging ideas learned in childhood from your religious upbringing or from bad experiences of flawed relationships. You don’t have to accept your parents' views about love, sex, or any other issue if you judge them to be wrong.

Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and at amazon.com.