The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Amanda has been married for 18 years, with two kids, and ever since she was married, her husband has had guy friends on the side, usually one particular guy friend. For the past six years, he has had his business buddy in real estate on the side, but it’s not really “on the side.” Instead, it replaces the emotional intimacy in their marriage. He spends his whole day with this buddy, has lunch with him, dines with him in the best restaurants in Miami, comes home, watches TV, and while his wife is there, he ignores her. He calls this friend four to five times to allegedly talk about work. He calls the friend on the weekend, and when the wife, kids, and husband go out as a family, she never has time alone with him. When they do go out, she says he’s there in body, but not in mind. She talks and fights with him endlessly and is ready to give up on him. So she asks, “What should I do?”

What she needs to do is help solve her mystery. Amanda, why have you stayed with him so long? You have given up 18 irreplaceable years of your life to a daily loveless marriage. Why are you staying in that? You need to introspect to understand what has cemented you to this so obviously loveless marriage. Is it the kids? Is it your religion that tells you you can’t divorce? Is it financial concerns? Is it security, at least having a man in the house? Is it your fears of being on your own, having that responsibility? Or is it any phony promises to yourself that things will change? If only... if only what? Well, if only something changes. That’s way too global. Nothing will ever change.

So you’ve already run the test. You are massively unhappy in your marriage. It is not a romantic marriage, and you’re longing for some... some people will be okay with what’s called a “companion” marriage. It’s like two people living in the same house, coming and going, and they’re very, very fond of each other. It’s a “best friend” marriage, but they don’t have sex that often—very low on intimacy, but they’re both okay with that. Well, it’s not my thing, but for some people, that works. In your case, you’ve got the antithesis—the exact opposite—of what the essential is in a romantic marriage, which is emotional intimacy. Forget about the sexual intimacy; even you don’t feel connected with your husband emotionally.

Notice you’re asking, “Should I…?” You’re saying, “I’m ready to give up on him.” Notice that he gave up on you years ago, and it seems like he’s staying there only out of duty or convenience for non-love reasons—the same ones I mentioned: the house, the kids, the finances. But you have clear evidence at this point that he does not feel emotionally or romantically connected to you. So you want to ask yourself, why did you even marry this guy from the get-go? Did you get pregnant and feel you had to get married, and now you feel guilty and are staying with him for religious or other reasons? That’s tragic. When you sum up all the evidence you gave me, it’s a loveless marriage.

And what’s going on with him? I don’t know. I don’t know whether he’s gay, whether he’s got multiple men on the side, or one man on the side, or whether that man he’s speaking to all the time is actually another woman, and that you... he’s been able to pull the wool over your eyes for a long time, or you’ve been doing that to yourself. But your solution is not the nagging or the endless fights. It’s...

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh... The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting, but...

Your solution is not the nagging or the endless fights. It’s to come up with a plan to rationally leave him and to try to go after your own happiness. So I would get therapy ASAP. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and see books that I recommend there. There are books on divorce that are excellent. McKay’s book on divorce is excellent. You can also go to the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, AcademyofCT.org, and see if there’s a cognitive therapist in your area. But you definitely want to be much more self-respecting and recognize that even if... even with the kids—I’m assuming they’re much older now—they’re going to survive a divorce much better than many kids survive this very painful, loveless marriage. Kids will say, “My parents should have divorced long ago,” and as long as you handle the divorce well, of course. If the dad abandons the kids or you abandon the kids, and there’s a lot of fighting, that’s not healthy. But you say there’s fighting at home now anyway, so I would try to minimize the fighting and try to disentangle yourself from what is not a marriage—a genuine marriage.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

This is from Janet: “Dear Dr. Kenner, my fiancé, Tom, and I have been together for 11 years, but engaged for two.” Okay, that raises some questions. He’s a professional athlete and travels quite a bit for his career, which I totally support. In July, he left for a month-long tour of the United Kingdom. Two months prior, we had been fighting constantly, at each other’s throats, being horrible to each other. It was a relief to have a month apart, though I did miss him while he was gone. When he came home a few days ago, he told me he’s been unhappy with our relationship for a long time and thought it might be best to go our separate ways. He can’t continue to be unhappy. I never saw it coming. We agreed to take a couple of months off to try to fix things. He seems to be sabotaging all attempts. Communication is nearly impossible. Every time I try to have a rational conversation about the situation, he shuts down or becomes mocking, like I’m nagging him. It’s my nature to stress and worry. I’m a champion worrier. So it’s what I do. So when a bombshell hits me, my reaction is to talk it to death, which has a negative effect. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to see what happens. I don’t see how we can fix it. If he doesn’t talk or listen when I talk, he’s half of my heart. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m starting to feel as though it may be a losing battle.

Okay, Janet, it sounds like it already is a losing battle. You’re already at each other’s throats. You were relieved when he left. You’ve been engaged for 11 years. Why that long engagement? He’s been thinking about the relationship a lot, which happens. If you’ve grown in different directions or at different rates, or maybe one of you wants to start a family and the other doesn’t, there are some major disconnects that you want to be able to name to yourself. The courtship is very unusual. You don’t have any kids, so it sounds like you can part ways. You do want to not have the image of yourself... challenge that image that you are a fretter, a chronic nail-biter, a worrier. You want to have more respect for yourself. This is a major change in your life. You’ve devoted over a decade to this guy, but it’s much better to devote only a decade than two decades and then split up. If it’s not working, it’s not working, and you can’t force him to love you. You can learn skills to rescue the relationship, but that doesn’t mean that you can change his mind if he’s already made the choice to leave. Then it sounds like that’s the direction you’re going in. Again, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com. There’s also a book, Couple Skills by McKay—the same author I mentioned earlier—that’s good, but it’s not a failure if you part ways. It’s a failure to stay together if things are not working out. So I wish you some very good success with this.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke. Many people with a strong religious upbringing have been imbued with the belief that sex is not a glorious union of mind and body but rather a duty—a guilty pleasure that one should not think or talk about. This causes problems in relationship after relationship. Consider the case of Dirk and Susanna. Susanna had a few healthy sexual experiences and good relationships before she met Dirk. Although her sexual history bothered him, he nonetheless asked her to marry him. Susanna loved Dirk passionately and was unrepressed in her enjoyment of sex with him, but the more she enjoyed it, the more disturbed he felt. Because of his upbringing, he believed that true love was spiritual, and felt that Susanna’s capacity for sexual pleasure proved that she was depraved. He divorced