The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Right now, I’m going to turn to the phones. This is a situation where a woman finds herself engaged to be married. Of course, she didn’t just find herself there—she chose that—and now she’s got eyes for another man. What do you do with that situation?

Good morning, Dr. Kenner. I have a question regarding my relationship. I'm having a problem with feelings for two people. I’m in a very serious relationship; however, I have feelings for someone else, and it’s something that’s been bothering me and affecting my current relationship. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’ve been denying my feelings for the other person for a while, thinking they would go away, but they keep surfacing whenever I’m with someone else. I don’t know what to do. At this point, I’m on the verge of losing my serious relationship because of my feelings for this other person. I need your advice. I feel like I’ve pre-judged the other person based on certain things without giving them a chance, and each day my feelings for the other person seem to get deeper and deeper. I don’t know what to do—whether I should end my current relationship and give this other person a chance. I’m just confused. At this point, it’s very complicated because, as I mentioned, my relationship is very serious; I’m engaged to this other person, but I’m having feelings for “Person B.”

Okay, here’s the big problem: the big word that’s causing all your problems is “feelings.” You’re leaving them floating, unanalyzed. What do you mean by feelings? You say, “I’m having feelings for this other guy; I’m having fewer feelings for my fiancé.” You didn’t tell me you were engaged until quite a ways into your question. So, the question that comes to my mind is, how much time have you spent sitting down and figuring out what’s causing these feelings? Why are you feeling reluctant around your fiancé? Do you have commitment issues? Are you afraid to get married? Did your parents get divorced? Are there personal factors related to him? Maybe he’s not the lover you hoped he would be. Of course, you could grow together and learn new skills, but maybe you don’t want to put in the effort. Maybe he’s very involved with work and doesn’t have time for you, which could be a wake-up call. You either need to leave him, break off the engagement, or work with him to see if you can become more important in his life. Or maybe you’re someone who always lets your eyes wander. No matter who you’re with, they become the norm, and it gets boring quickly. You don’t know how to re-energize a relationship, so your eyes wander to someone else. You fixate on someone else—this other person. You’re having very powerful romantic feelings for the second guy, and you’ve allowed a fantasy of this guy to grow.

If you have details of this other guy, if you’re spending time with him secretly, then you’ve been deceitful, and you should feel some guilt for that, some pretty powerful guilt. If he’s someone at work, for example, and you’re talking with him a lot, arranging to meet after work, having coffee together, and you’re sharing details about your relationship, that’s what people do—and it feels like he’s just a good friend. But then it becomes more than just friends. There’s even a book called Not Just Friends about this exact thing. Soon, you want to make love to him, and he’s the one you fantasize about. Guy number two, not your fiancé, is the guy you’re dreaming about.

Pause for a commercial break.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Back to the show.

So, the guy you’re fantasizing about isn’t your fiancé. You’re in love with a fantasy. You need to tease apart what’s real and what’s just in your mind. How well do you know this guy? I think you even mentioned you might not know him well. Without real data, we can impose any fantasy we want on someone who is good-looking, has sexual appeal, or just listens to us. Sit down with a paper and pencil, but be ready to shred this afterward. Write down what your feelings are for your fiancé, then on a separate piece, write what your feelings are for this other guy. You need the details. Maybe you’ll find things like, “My fiancé is loving; he’s my best friend, but he’s boring, and sex isn’t satisfying. He doesn’t listen to me in bed. Guy B turns me on, he’s easy to talk to, he opens doors for me, and brings me coffee in the morning—but he might drink too much.” If you discover any red flags, that’s a fact you need to look at closely. You could break off the engagement if you want, but I think you should be honest with your partner so he’s not left wondering why you’re pulling away. Tell him there’s another guy, and you’re trying to figure things out. You could even consider individual therapy to work this through. Cognitive therapy can help you analyze your emotions rather than just floating in them. There’s a book on my website, Mind Over Mood, that can help you untangle what’s underneath both positive and negative emotions, getting to words that give you better self-understanding.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here’s an email I received from Mrs. Rossi. She writes, “Dear Dr. Kenner, my husband, Ernie, is in the military, and before he joined, he was somewhat romantic. Now there isn’t a romantic bone in his body. What should I do? Our marriage is just ‘hello, goodbye.’” Mrs. Rossi, first, do some detective work. Why is your marriage just “hello and goodbye”? Does he have someone on the side? You’d be surprised how often I’ve seen that. Is he gay? Is he overwhelmed by his involvement in the military? Is he becoming a type-A personality, avoiding intimacy? Is there some trauma involved? Does he feel guilty about something? Try to talk with him. Instead of saying, “I’m sick and tired of being ignored; you’ve got no sense of romance; you treat me like dirt; you’d better change,” avoid those types of threats and personal attacks. Instead, remind him of your most romantic moments together. Say, “Honey, I remember when you brought me lunch and left me a romantic note. I thought about you all afternoon and couldn’t wait to come home. I remember the back rubs we used to give each other, the dancing, and how playful we were. I miss that so much, and I wonder if you do too. You seem so wrapped up in work. Help me understand you better. Is there anything going on behind the scenes? What thoughts do you have about how we can recapture that playfulness and tenderness?” By drawing him out in this way, you may get to the root of the issue.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

One pitfall in nurturing sensual attraction is the belief that ideal romantic love is separate from the physical. This error, called “platonic love,” holds that the highest form of love is purely spiritual, unsullied by sexual feelings. Platonic love, however, is not romantic love. In a truly romantic relationship, you desire sexual fulfillment. Platonic love might allow admiration but condemns a “degrading” sexual response, making you feel ashamed. This destroys genuine romantic love.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.