The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

And here's an email:

Dear Dr. Kenner, where is my husband coming from? He left me five months ago. He said he wanted a divorce, then for us to start dating again, then to remarry. We separated, and since that time, he's been very demeaning to me—a lot of put-downs. It’s his way or the highway. 27 years of marriage, I am on fixed SSI money, and he makes over $100,000 a year, and he won't pay any of my bills either. Now he's saying he doesn't have any money and he will not offer any kind of help. Should I stop the divorce? And I don't know how you can do that, but should I stop the divorce and go on and see him, or should I just shut the door completely? Thank you, Margie.

My first question, Margie, is, "Are you happy?" You're obviously not happy, and I notice that you don't say, "I love my husband so much. He's so playful, he's so joyous to be around, and he loved me so much. I am going to miss him, and we've had a fabulous 27 years of marriage." You're not saying that. Notice where your mental focus is. You are focused on financial securities, the money issue, and the length of your marriage.

Now, he sounds determined to leave you permanently. He's demeaning—you don't demean someone you plan to remarry. In quotes, he's not listening to you. It's his way or the highway. He's not a pleasant person to be around. So why? What are some possibilities? Well, the obvious ones that come to mind are that he's got a young woman on the side who says she loves him and will leave him if he doesn't leave his wife. Maybe she's put him on the spot. Maybe he's having several affairs—a womanizer, and he just wants the freedom to live his life as he wants to, without you as a noose around him. Maybe he's gay, or maybe there's just no other relationship out there, and he's just sick of marriage to you. Painful as that is, it may be true.

Can you change him? Can you reason with him? My guess is you've tried everything. You've probably tried to reason. You've shown him tears; at other times, you may get real angry. Now look at this—his plan. If you've been unsuccessful with all of those, look at his plan: divorce, date again, and remarry. What is this a plan for?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Look at this. His plan. If you've been unsuccessful with all of those, look at his plan: divorce, date again, and remarry. What is this a plan for? Is this a plan to rekindle a 27-year-old, boring marriage? There are much cheaper ways to do that. Or is this a plan to disorient you, to confuse you, so that he can proceed with a divorce with less conflict over money? Perhaps he's hoping that you won't fight for a fair settlement because he's promising to date and remarry you again. But once the ties are severed, and he's got this permanent settlement, he may show you the highway.

So, I think it's possibly and most likely a plan to dupe you, to make a further fool out of you. What can you do? You don’t buy into his plan. You recognize the state of your 20-year marriage, and you ask yourself, "Do I love him? Do I love him as he is now?" You can't bring him back to where he once was if there's not the emotional intimacy and connection. Then you ask yourself the question, "Is he holding secrets?" I think he is.

And then what do you do? Well, you hire a good lawyer. You do some snooping yourself to try to find out what's going on behind the scenes. Become a detective. Don’t just pull the wool over your own eyes. Get into some therapy for yourself. There are inexpensive therapies that may be available. Maybe there's a teaching college near you, or some people may offer more inexpensive options. You want to be thinking about your own financial security, any social supports. Connect with your friends so you don't feel isolated during this divorce. Connect with your kids, if that’s an issue. And also, connect with your own hobbies so you keep your life going.

So I really recommend that you don’t pull the wool over your own eyes and take a closer look, because I think this is a plan to dupe you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Right before the break, I was talking about a couple that just had a baby seven months ago, and she doesn’t want sex. She feels fat. She can’t fit into her old clothes anymore, and she’s seemingly obsessed with it. And the boyfriend really wants sex, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He thinks she looks really hot.

Right after you have a baby is the most difficult time for couples. The divorce rate is often the highest during that period—the first few years. And if you don’t work together, if you continue on this collision course that you’re on, you’ll end up, like most marriages, divorced, and in this case, you’re not even married, which is a real question mark in my mind. Why are you not married unless it’s a committed partnership for life? But it still raises questions in my mind.

So if you don’t want to emotionally abandon yourself when you have a kid, how do you go about changing that? Well, the first thing is not being focused on sex, weight, sex, weight, "I’m too fat." "No, you’re not. You’re beautiful, honey. Let’s make love." "I don’t want love." I don’t think that’s the issue. I think that’s the cover-up. I think that underneath that, there are a lot of resentments, and so you need to figure out how to draw your partner out.

You can say, "Honey, I know I've been looking for sex. I know you’re not interested, and I know you’re upset about your looks, but I suspect that you're also feeling angry towards me or have other resentments towards me. Let me