The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's the email I received from the sex-starved man:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm 29 years old, and I've been with my girlfriend, Tammy, for two years. She gave birth to our first child seven months ago. She put on some weight, especially in the backside and breast area. And in my male mind, she looks great, very sexually attractive. In her mind, she's overweight and unbecoming. She feels depressed, and she complains about her looks. She's breaking out on her face. She's been very stressed out. She's working again. She complains about her body all day, about not being able to fit into her old clothes anymore. I strive to be empathic. I find myself becoming frustrated with her because I'm longing for sex, and she's never in the mood. If I give her a compliment or try to become intimate, she ends up responding so negatively about herself that I don't even want to share those types of thoughts anymore. Although I do, I find myself aroused a lot, and I want to have sexual relations with her often, but due to her moods and her beliefs about herself, I'm left by myself with these longings. What can we do?

Aaron

Aaron, I suspect that Tammy is genuinely upset about her weight, and I think that's only the tip of the iceberg. I think there are deeper issues. You mentioned that she's depressed, stressed out, and anxious. That may mean she's dealing with losses, with being overwhelmed with uncertainties. Those refer to what some people call postpartum depression. The arrival of a child dramatically changes the landscape in a couple's life in ways that you normally don't anticipate. So what you both need is very good communication. If she's bottled up and not sharing her resentments or her concerns with you, or if you don't know how to actively listen, and all you guys talk about is, "I want some sex," "You look hot," and she says, "I look ugly. I don't want sex," then you are in an endless loop. And what's going to break this loop? Well, I think that you've got to be able to listen to her, to what's really going on underneath her complaining about her weight. I think that's just the surface level.

Here's a sample of some possible resentments that Tammy may be feeling.

"Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Here's a sample of some possible resentments that Tammy may be feeling:

"All he's interested in is sex. I feel used. He doesn't care about me. It's all about him and satisfying his needs. I'm never in the mood for sex anymore, not with him; I'm angry with him, and I also feel guilty that I no longer feel romantic. Why doesn't he help me out more? I do most of the parenting, and I work, and I'm stressed out all the time. I never have a moment to myself, and all he does is look at me longingly, and I feel guilty, and he badgers me for sex."

She may also be thinking some of the other things, Aaron. "Why did he never ask me to marry him? I mean, this girlfriend bit, I don't like. I never wanted a child out of wedlock, and he wants it both ways. He wants me, but without a permanent commitment. Well, you think I want sex with him? No way." Or she may even be having some thoughts that are pretty sad for the two of you: "I don't think he's my perfect partner, and now I've got a kid with him. I'm trapped." Or she might be thinking, "I don't like being a mom. I miss my freedom, but Aaron wouldn't let me get an abortion. I feel so angry with him and so guilty all the time."

So look at all the range of types of issues that you're not dealing with. If you just talk about her weight and your sex issue, you never get to the two key issues underneath that. So what are the solutions? You need to gain perspective. As I said, if she had a child against her will, that's really sad, and she'll need some therapy for that. If that's not the case, then you need to be a very good listener. In the book The Good Marriage, Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee talk about what it's like right after you have the birth of a child. She said, "It's all too easy for the marital relationship—in your case, the partnership—to erode when children take center stage. The couple's sex life may decline for several years after the birth of a child, but parents who become entirely absorbed in child-rearing have emotionally abandoned each other and the marriage, leaving two hungry people whose adult needs are not being met."

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

"Many types of money issues need to be addressed in every romantic relationship. For example, how much money do we want to make, and how do we want to spend it? There are trade-offs when it comes to money-making, such as, what kind of work week do you want? What is the importance of money versus the importance of time? How important is money compared to one's enjoyment of the job? The ideal is to get paid well for doing something you love. Where and how often are you willing to move in pursuit of your career? And how will you balance work with your partner and your children?"

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.