The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Now, here's the email I received from a young girl who's in love with her teacher.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. My name is Jamie. I'm writing to get some help. I'm a 15-year-old lady. I love that, and I happen to be in love with my English teacher. I am so confused, because he is somewhere around 35. I just get that feeling every time I see him, and I like him so much. Can you please help me out here? I want him so bad. Please help, and these are the exclamation points!

Jamie, Jamie, I am going to assume that your English teacher has some very good, attractive traits. I'm imagining that he's like a Robin Williams type—that he’s got this wonderful zest for life, or maybe he's someone who's acquired it, but he sincerely, sincerely wants his students to discover the joy of learning and of using their minds well, and you're one of his students and you're a good student. I'm also going to assume that he's not acting inappropriately. For example, he isn’t sexually flirting with you or coming on to you.

If that's the case, and if it's the case that you're fabulously attracted to him, I want you to think about it differently. Think that you're fabulously attracted to this type of person. Then here’s what I suggest that you do.

Number one:

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Then here’s what I suggest that you do.

Number one, totally enjoy your English class. Excel in it. Do really well in it, and let it carry over into other classes. Let your attraction to him motivate you to use your mind well. Focus not so much on his body but on how he's training your mind, assuming he's a good teacher. Study hard, study well.

Now, I want to pause for a moment. Imagine the opposite. Imagine you have an English teacher that you despise. He gives you the creeps, and you hate walking into his class every day, and you look for any excuse to miss his class. He's mean, he's crude, or maybe he's just very wimpy. He’s a lousy teacher. Imagine having to spend a year with that type of teacher. None of us would like that.

So, the good news, Jamie, is that you have the capacity to admire what I suspect are very good traits in your teacher. That’s point one.

Point two, introspect. You feel the emotion of love, of passion. Ask yourself, what is it I love about him? Now, I'm suspecting that it’s not something superficial, like his height or his freckles. I'm suspecting that it’s something about his character—very good character traits, his passion for knowledge, his ability to maybe give you some earned recognition that you may not get at home with your family. Maybe his confidence, maybe his success. Maybe, think of Robin Williams again—his love of his career, maybe even his looks, if they're self-made, maybe he's fit, he jogs, he goes to the gym.

Name those characteristics in words to yourself, because that will help you discover, in your own words, what you're attracted to in a romantic partner. Then look for someone in your own age range. You may not find the maturity at this age, but date a lot of people. My husband and I both dated a lot of people, and we've been very happily married. So, when you meet a lot of people, you get to discover what you like and don’t like. I'm not saying sleep with a lot; date a lot. Get to see a whole variety of people.

Now, here's the third point: do not act on impulse. Jamie, don't act on your feelings for him, because it may land both of you in jail and you with many more complications. Many individuals fall in love with their teachers, their doctors, or their bosses. It’s very normal to have those feelings, and these are often accomplished people with very good, admirable traits, but you’re also partly in love with your fantasy of him, because you don’t know what he’s like behind closed doors and what he’s like under all sorts of trying situations.

And the huge age discrepancy—20 years—people who come into counseling with those types of relationships often find themselves struggling. Or what did they call them—September-May weddings. They married too young. They missed out on their college years. They're very frustrated. You’ll be 35; he’ll be 55. You’ll be 55; he’ll be 75. There are many age-related difficulties, so I encourage you to think in full context, long-range, not just about what makes you feel good right now. So milk all of the good in this, but don’t cross the line ever.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this ad. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Growing up means gaining independence from your parents and setting the terms for your own life. Make it clear, tactfully and firmly, that your partner comes first. Your parents have no right to expect you to share all their values or spend all your free time with them. If their feelings are hurt by your desire for independence, the fault lies with their unreasonable expectations, not with you. This point applies even more strongly if one or more of the parents or in-laws are critical or abusive. Some experts recommend ignoring such abuse or discouraging your partner from standing up to an intrusive or disrespectful parent. We strongly disagree.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.