The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at doctorkenner.com

Now, can you make someone love you, someone who treats you poorly? Well, right now, we're going to go to our after-hours line. Hello,

Dr. Kenner. This is Monica, and I broke up with my boyfriend because he started treating me very poorly, very, very quickly. Before I broke up with him, I asked him several times if he wanted to end things because he just didn't seem like himself, and he just kept saying that he didn't want to. I left him after telling him that if he didn't stop his behavior, I was going to leave him. And now he acts like nothing's happened. He keeps going on with his daily life, just as it was. My question is, is there a way to make him want me back, or what? What is the thing to do when something like this happens? You know that this person loves you, but they're putting up a front acting like they don't. Would it be best to just ignore him or to let him know how I feel? Thank you.

Well, certainly you want to let him know how you feel. However, I think you're asking the wrong question. "How can I make him love me and speak to me?" I think you want to stand back and get a wider-angle lens here and ask yourself the question, "Is this man the right man for me?" You're observing how he reacts. He's treating you very poorly. Lots of questions that raises, doesn't it? Does he yell at you? Does he swear at you? Does he ignore you? Is he short with you? Is he cheating on you? Is there something going on behind the scenes? Or maybe it's about to happen? He's been flirting with somebody. Is he a closet drinker, hiding his drinking from you? You need to know what's going on, but he may not be willing to tell you.

So when you stand back with this wide-angle lens, you put yourself in the driver's seat and say, "Is this the type of man that I want to live with for the rest of my life? Do I want to raise kids with this guy who gets in these moods, who treats me very poorly, and it can happen very, very quickly?" I would say that one of the key factors you're looking for in a lifetime partner is—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

One of the key factors you're looking for in a lifetime partner is a closeness, a feeling of being valued, being wanted, which is unquestionable, unmoving. And that's that emotional intimacy that every healthy person longs for. So he's not communicating. I think you do need to speak your mind, but not to try to force his mind, to make him come back to you, or make him speak. You can't force another person's mind, but to respect yourself, you need to be able to say, "I am totally perplexed. I am totally troubled. I don't know what's going on in our relationship, and I don't know if you'll share it with me. I'm hoping you will, because I think it will be good to get everything out in the open for both of us, even if it's negative, even if it's stuff that you've been afraid to tell me."

Monica, what you don't want to do is to start chasing him, because then you set up a pattern which is very common. You chase him, he distances himself even more; you chase him even more, he distances himself even more. You don't want to get into that pattern, so I'll recommend a book. It's at my website, Get a Life Then Get a Man. It's a darling little book by Jennifer Borden, and what I like in that book is that she emphasizes the need to really be self-respecting. You're choosing a partner, not that you're needy and you need his affection; you can move on and find someone much better. So maybe this is a good move for you. Maybe a wake-up call to find someone better.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com, and please listen to this—

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Telling white lies can be harmful. If your spouse asks, "Am I too fat?" you can first actively listen by reflecting their thoughts, "You're concerned about your weight." Giving your partner an opportunity to think aloud may help motivate him or her to lose weight, but if your partner actually wants your input, tell the truth tactfully. "I think you'd feel and look better and be healthier if you lost some weight. Let me know if you'd like my help. I can stop bringing home all that junk food." White lies breed distrust. If your partner lies to you, you will naturally wonder, "If my partner lied about this, what other things has he or she lied about?"

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.