The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

I know what Bird is going through. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down an empty street listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is knock on any door and say, “If you'll let me in, I'll live the way you want me to live, and I'll think the way you want me to think,” and all the blinds will go up, and all the doors will open, and you will never be lonely ever again.

And that's Spencer Tracy in Inherit the Wind. And that idea of holding onto yourself, having the courage to speak your own mind, to think your own thoughts, not to try to repress them, and to choose your own dreams, your own values, to pursue them, and to treat other people decently. Don't let them step on you, but don't you step on them. But don't become a doormat in life, where you give up yourself and say, "Yes, whatever you want, honey, it really doesn't matter to me. Oh, I don't care what's good for you." When you become that kind of a person, you've destroyed yourself, and you never want to do that in your life. So that's what psychological independence is, being able to think independently and really, really love your own life.

So let's see if that can help this woman.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, this was right before the break I talked about her. This is the woman who is a single mom. I'm a single mom. I live in a mobile home. They rent out—shorten it—they went, they rent out a room to a man. She and her mother—oh, excuse me, she lives with a single mom. It's a woman who's 28 years old, lives with her mother, who's single. They're in a mobile home. She's still a virgin. She's single. They rented out a room to a man who brings his wife into the house. They're estranged, but he brings the wife in, and they have loud sex. And she's very upset about this. She said that it's gross. Am I being normal or not?

Now, when you ask if you're normal or not at the age of 28, still living with your mother, still a virgin, it raises a lot of questions in my mind, like what ideas were you brought up with? What ideas did you choose to hold about yourself? Are you worthy of pursuing your own values if you're still living with mom, or are you just temporarily back there? Do you feel like you owe it to mom because she's lonely or needy, and you have to be with her? Do you feel like you can't get ahead in life? If you have ideas like that, you want to challenge them, because this is your only life, and you want to make it rich and interesting and exciting for yourself. So that's one area of thoughts that you can challenge. You can take a closer look at another set of thoughts, which are on romance. If you're not pursuing your own dreams, you may not feel that you're a lovable person. You may feel like you're just settled in life, or you're letting your life rust away. You don't want to do that. If you feel more lovable, then you'll also have an urge to find a loving partner, someone that shares at the same level as you are at, similar goals and dreams. Now, that doesn't mean that you both want to become doctors, lawyers, or Indian chiefs. You'll be on your own path, but you'll be going in the same direction. You want to find someone to share a life with; it is a wonderful value in life, and at the age of 28, to rob yourself of that? Take a closer look at your fundamental ideas.

Sacrifice, in my book, is a sin. It's bad, it's not good. Self-sacrifice is awful. Can you imagine saying that to a dog? Here's a dog, but I want you to sacrifice. Don’t eat your food. Don’t chase a Frisbee. We wouldn't do that to an animal. So why do we do that to ourselves? It's the wrong moral code. You will hear it in churches, you will hear it in temples, you will hear it in the secular community of people telling you, "You always have to do for others." Guess who gets left out of that equation? You do. It’s your life. That doesn't mean that you will become a hostile, "me-only" person. It means that you will pursue your life and hope that everyone else pursues their dreams. So I am definitely for your happiness, and romance is a piece of that.

Now, let's get to the guy in the next room having very loud sex with his wife.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So I am definitely for your happiness, and romance is a piece of that. Now let's get to the guy in the next room having very loud sex with his wife. My guess is, if they’re estranged, that it’s very strange sex, like it may not be the most passionate scene. It may not be movie quality in terms of some of the most loving, passionate romantic scenes that you might see in a movie. I recommend the movie Dangerous Beauty and even Pretty Woman. Not the gross scenes, but the nice scenes. You just want some passionate scenes, so you want to reawaken your sexual desire, your desire to be with a man, your thoughts about sexuality.

If you're waiting—why are you still a virgin? Now, if it's that you haven't found anyone you love, then it's legitimate to still be a virgin. But if it's that you think that sex is dirty or animalistic or low, and that only loving someone, they call it platonic love, you just love their mind, that's a mistake you're holding. You want to put that mistake in the dump. Think it through clearly so that you understand that that's trash. Sex done by crappy people is crappy, but romantic love is different. And I've written a book with another author, Dr. Ed Locke, that's fabulous on this topic.

So here's what I would recommend: read some romance. Oh, first dealing with the guy at home, I would tell the guy, you would say, "You know, it’s awkward for me when you guys come over and make love here. Is there any option that you have to make love at her home? Because it’s very awkward for me." And if he says, "Hey, listen, I rent this room. This is my place. I’ll do what I want. You’re not going to tell me what to do when I’m here," you could say, "Could you just let me know if you're planning to have a romantic interlude, and I’ll give you your privacy. I’ll be willing to leave the house if it’s reasonable, and if it’s possible for me to do that." You can talk with your mother and ask if she can get another tenant who's maybe a little old man who’s not estranged from his wife and doesn’t have loud sex with her, but, you know, maybe she can rent it to someone else. But better yet, try to figure out how to use this as motivation to get out of the house, to try to learn to live on your own. If you're employed, see if you can find employment that pays a little more. Put some money aside and think longer range, not just short range, not just day to day, but think of how to save money to purchase some of the bigger values in life—an apartment for yourself—and you will love your life even more. Because what you're giving yourself is not so much the privacy and the apartment, but more fundamentally, you'll be seeing that your mind is capable of setting goals and achieving your rational values. And there's nothing more of an internal turn-on for yourself than to say, "Yes, I did it. I achieved my goals." That's what happiness is. And then look for a romantic partner for yourself.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, and here's an email from Kevin. And he says, "Dr. Kenner, I'm currently seeing a marriage counselor with my wife. In discussing the love between a man and a woman, my counselor says that love is something we choose to do. Love is totally a choice. If we choose to love someone, then we will love them. What is your professional opinion of this idea? Do you agree? Thank you, Kevin."

Kevin, imagine buying a car. Now you come into my used car lot, and I'm the salesman, and I show you a rusty hunk of an old car. It's got no air conditioning, no heat. The leather seats are long since ripped, and the whole inside of the car smells like an old dog and cigar combined. The tires are flat, and the radio doesn’t work. And you look at me and say, "I hate this car." And I say, "No, look, you can choose to love this car. It's a choice you make." Now, what would you say to me? You would say, "You're crazy." Notice, you cannot force your mind to love something that you don't value. You don’t value the car, and you cannot force it. Your mind is making a lightning-like evaluation of many different factors. The car is no good—not good for you. Now, you could even get a very good car, but it’s not your type of car. And even though it's got the air conditioning, it’s got full tires, it’s a brand-new, beautiful car, but it’s not your type. You’d still say, "I don't like it." So you cannot just will yourself to love something that you don’t value. Love is the emotional summation of many, many factors—things that you value. And it's that lightning-quick evaluation of the pros and cons.

So now let’s turn to romantic love—you and your wife. Your evaluation of your wife—it's not a car now—but it's your wife, is a very rapid evaluation. Do you love her or not? Well, you didn’t marry her for nothing. There are many positive qualities in this woman. But obviously, over time, there’s been some rupture in the relationship—resentments that have built up, hurts, anger. Maybe she’s made some choices, like drinking or gambling, that you don't like. Maybe not. Maybe she’s still a decent person with terrific qualities. Maybe you've grown at different rates. Maybe she's gone back to school and gotten an education, and you feel like you can't connect anymore, or maybe it’s the opposite. You’ve moved on in your life and she hasn’t. So your emotions are going to sum up exactly what you feel toward her.

When we get back, sometimes you can be off base, and I’ll talk about that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world famous for his theories in goal setting:

A romantic relationship is ideally a partnership of equals. Decisions that affect both partners should be made jointly, which is another way of enhancing mutual visibility. Consider a negative case: Katie complains that her boyfriend Chuck is full of surprises that are intended to please her, such as vacation getaways. It’s a disaster because he never bothers to ask her what she actually wants. Imagine telling your partner on Wednesday that you've arranged for a vacation to Alaska next week, when in fact, your partner has no desire to go to Alaska and has a busy work schedule.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.