The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Sean, the selfish path to romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. My name is Sean, and I've been married for two years, and my wife, Melissa, never wants to have sex. We have a two-year-old child, Jody, and ever since then, our sex life has not been the best. She says it hurts when we do have sex, and I believe her, but I still want it. So what do I do?

Sean, first, I want to tell you that this is very common, that once a woman has a baby, it's very confusing in her own mind, especially if she's nursing. She’s using her breasts to nurse the baby, and so they no longer feel sensual and sexy. They feel engorged. They feel filled with milk, and the baby’s always on them. So it’s very confusing, very conflicting for her, if she’s doing that. Plus, just having a baby, any new parent or anybody that's had children knows that that early period is overwhelming. It’s a 24/7 job, and resentments between partners build up rapidly. You don’t help enough. You’re not helping out with the baby. I’m nursing all the time. I have to get up all during the night. She may be very angry with you, and she may be afraid to say anything, so people tuck away their concerns. They stuff them, and then they explode eventually, or they come out indirectly, as "I don’t ever want sex again" or "It hurts."

Now I’m not sure if the “it” in her case means it’s physically painful, in which case she should go to her gynecologist and have the equipment checked out, or whether she’s hurting psychologically, emotionally, feeling pressured by you for sex. It may have become a duty for her. She may be distancing herself, and you're pursuing her even more. There’s something called a distancer-pursuer relationship, where one person is moving in closer and closer wanting the intimacy, and the other one’s saying, "Give me some breathing space. Back off. I don’t want to have to do this." It shouldn't feel like a "should" for her. She may not have felt at home with sex to begin with. A lot of women, even though sex is much more out in the open now, still can feel selfish, feeling like they need to please the man, so it becomes a duty very quickly. If she's taken an avoidance strategy—saying it hurts and backing off—then you need some help.

I recommend...

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

[Advertisement plays]

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

If she's taken an avoidance strategy, saying it hurts and backing off, then you need some help. I recommend reading a chapter in a book, The Good Marriage. It’s a chapter called “The Third Task,” where the authors, Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, talk about how common it is when you have a baby to have this happen. She says it’s very hard to make room for the baby and still keep your romantic life alive.

Let me just read you something from this:

“They do not know how to allow the child not to take over the marriage. At the same time, they should not allow the child to take over the marriage. It helps greatly to know ahead of time that the post-birth period is stressful. The woman needs to apportion her attention between her husband and child, recognizing the importance of her role as a wife and sexual partner.”

Later on in the chapter, they talk about ways you can do this: go out to dinner once a week without discussing the children. You can do what my husband did— I used to tease and say he handcuffed me and took me away for a weekend to a bed and breakfast. It was a lot of fun. You can go away for a weekend to a B&B or hiking, but you need to be able to keep the relationship alive and work together on that. Otherwise, she’ll feel pulled by you, and she’ll resent it and resist it. So the resentments have to come out in the open. You need to talk about sexuality in a way that’s pleasing for both of you. She needs to hold on to herself during sex and let herself enjoy the experience, rather than feel like it’s a duty she’s got to do to please you and then get the task out of the way, like folding the clothes.

So, there’s a lot to this, but just know that this is very common at this stage in your lives. And the resolution? A lot of people don’t resolve this problem, which leads to many divorces, so I hate to see you go that route. I would get the book, read it, and try to fix the relationship.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hi, Dr. Kenner. My name is Sue, and I’m using my daughter’s email. Her name is Jasmine. She’s 16 years old, and instead of having an invisible friend, it seems she has an invisible enemy. I would appreciate a response on what I need to do about this. Thanks, and have a great day.

Thanks, Sue. Okay, so let’s envision. You didn’t give me any details, which always help, so I’m just going to put some in. Let’s say that Jasmine is a darling 16-year-old. She’s a good kid, but she goes to put on a pretty dress that’s a little sexy—she’s 16 years old—and she hears, in her own mind, a critical parent saying, “It’s too short, the colors are too loud, the material is too sensual, it’s too low-cut.” Then she may get an A on a biology test, and she hears the invisible enemy telling her, “Who do you think you are? That you’re so special? You were just lucky this time.” She may find a guy that she likes, but her imaginary enemy says, “What the heck do you think he’d see in you?” She may want to join a club, but she hears this inner voice saying, “Nobody would like you.”

So first, she needs to listen to these internal voices and answer them with facts to put a lie to this invisible enemy once and for all. She can get the book Mind Over Mood. It’s on my website, DrKenner.com, and she can. She also has to recognize that there can be no such thing as an invisible enemy—it’s just a figment of her imagination. Maybe these are voices that she’s heard from you, her dad, punishing her, or maybe from a grandmother who was mean to her, or kids at school picking on her. But there is no such thing as this floating, mystical enemy. She wants to look closely at that. Some people with a religious background feel that there’s a peeping Tom watching their every move and chastising every move they make. I think that’s one of the grotesque aspects of religion.

Ayn Rand has said that faith in the supernatural begins as faith in the superiority of others, like your parents. You’re afraid of others, so you follow their authority. And then, of course, you’re set up to follow any dogma, any religion. So, I would suggest that she really value herself, maybe get some cognitive therapy for herself. Again, that book Mind Over Mood is a cognitive therapy workbook. She should look at all her wonderful character traits: her honesty, her integrity, her ambition, her desire for romance and a good career. Help her work with you to break the habit. If you can support her in recognizing that there is no such thing and there never can be.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

One way to cherish your partner is to be reasonably generous with your time. Cook a special meal, make your partner a romantic card, write a tender email that expresses your love accurately, or take the kids for the day and let your partner have the day off. You might also offer to run errands or do chores if your partner is busy with a work project. Generosity sometimes involves sharing one’s belongings. There may be particular objects you don’t want to share, such as a toothbrush or comb, but there may be many things you can share with pleasure, such as favorite cookbooks or clothes, sweaters, T-shirts, caps, cars, food, laptop computers, and cameras. Of course, partners shouldn’t take unfair advantage of one another by monopolizing something the other person needs, such as a computer.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.